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afraid to lose love to someone else.
Sometimes I wanna break up with my fiancé sooo bad, He does and says mean things sometimes. he goes on his drinking binge he is trying to recover and has relapsed. Sometimes I get this thought process in my head that I don't wanna break up with him because I am afraid that he will fall in love with someone else. I don't get it I guess... advice desperately needed please. My mind is running in circles
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
The question is:Do you still love him? If yes then fight for this relationship. Sit him down and talk to him about his behavior. Tell him that you don't like him behaving like this ... (whatever he does wrong). If he doesn't however take this on board, tell him that you'll leave him (and do leave him for a few days just to observe his reaction). This should make him realize that you were dead serious about this conversation. You see men are like children, they don't realize what they had until they lose it. Then you talk to him and tell him that if he treats you badly again you'll leave him for good.
About worrying that he'll fall in love with someone else, well that's how things go. You see the thing is: Do you want to be in a relationship that the guy is mistreating you or do you want to find yourself someone who'll treat you properly? I'll leave you to answer that question.
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If you're staying with him just because you're afraid of him falling in love with someone else, it's not the right reason to stay with someone.
This is the kind of thing you need to sit back and think about. You can't change him. You can't make him not say mean things to you and you can't make him stop drinking.
So if you decide to stay with him, that means that you are deciding to be ok with what he is now. You can't expect change. Would you be able to handle him like this when you're married?
My advice would be to end this. I'm sure he has great things about him that make you love him but these things he's doing, it totally outweighs the good and you shouldn't settle for that.
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Sometimes people get together with or married to someone that isn't the perfect match. They think that the new relationship energy they felt in the beginning which has worn off by now meant that they had great chemistry together. A great chemistry is needed to be best of friends, and a romantic chemistry to have a great sex life as well. Something is obviously not right if you want to give up.
Your concern should not be what he considers doing once you break up, who he gets together with. The concern should be simply...is he right for me. Can I stand being married to him, just as things are now, no improvement lets say 6 mos from now, a yr from now, 5 yrs, 10 yrs. If it's not a perfect relationship and your subconscious mind is screaming at you that something is majorly not right, then there is a point at which you know you would no longer be able to force yourself to be with someone where the future yrs doesnt hold any promise. I was able to handle a bad marriage on a day to day basis, I could even handle month to month, even another year of the same. I'd already done so forf 30 yrs. But when I looked ahead, could I handle it for 10 more or 20 more years, knowing that it would be just the same, no better, still abusive as is your situation, thats when I crumbled and realized that deep down inside, I didn't want to continue to live like that. That thought process is what helped me decide to leave him.
Don't kid yourself, acting mean and saying mean things may mean that the man is incapable of really loving others. And likely he doesnt really like himself. People drink to hide from something painful or scary they don't want to face to learn how to heal from and find ways to overcome. Drinking to avoid dealing with and getting better as a person, is like an airplane being in a holding pattern, you can't remain in a holding pattern forever, eventually you run out of fuel and crash and burn.
He is not a good candidate for a friendship never mind a marriage partner. He shouldn't even be a consideration for that at all! To have the thought, if I can't have him, I dont want anyone else to have him, is a crazy thought and from the totally wrong perspective, If he's as bad as he sounds, then you should pity the poor girl who is fooled by his charms and gets into an abusive bad relationship with him.
You deserve better than him, but if you don't believe that, theres nothing I can say to change that. You will need to suffer in an abusive relationship with possibly children who end up mentally and emotionally affected by having a dad who doesnt respect mom or them. My 3 daughter as adults now have issues that hold them back from being what they can be. They're amazing despite that fact that they did not have a normal healthy emotional environment to grow up in but it has affected them and how they developed. You may feel you don't deserve any better and want to settle for less, but its not fair to bring kids into the world when dad is an S.O.B. and abusive. So if you can't see reason to break it off with him, at least hear what I am saying as a mother, and make sure you don't have any kids with him. I wish I had left him before I had kids or at least when they were young so they wouldve had a better chance.
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