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Really Struggling--- ASAP
Ok so here is the situation I have been wit my bf for 3 yrs now. We have a beautiful baby boy and he is always so happy. My bf is an alcoholic and he has slowed way way down but every once in awhile wen something is going bad he relapses n he is mean. In the past it was terrible miserable I can't even find the right words for it. it was a full blown abusive relationship. We broke up he got better and I accepted him to be in our life. for the note he is an AWESOME daddy. So he cheated a lot in the past with about 16 different girls and I still have my fears that he will do it again. I do push and question a lot and he swears he hasn't done it and I haven't heard anything which I usually do because people like to start drama. But it still hurts really bad and he doesn't like to talk about it because it makes him feel like a piece of shit and he feels he has to live in the past. Well anyways that caused tension he went n drank. He started calling me the usual names dumb bitc* c*nt sh*t like that and then it got serious he said to me Your just mad that I cheated on you and stuck my d**k in some other chick and came in her.... then just lost it and started telling me a bunch of bullshit I turned up the music and plugged my ears. We went to some girls grave that we went to school with and he got out and started crying on her grave right in front of me but said she was one of the ones and I was his only one. I don't get that I don't think he loves me Does he love the thought of love, security, bond and everything that a relationship entitles When we fight he goes to extremes to make me feel the worst possible but then for the next month or two we are perfect. Maybe he just loves the fact of the relationship but he actually doesn't love me? Or is it just a drunk relapse and he is mad at me because I demanded him to slow his drinking down and he is mad because it is hard and he relapses and he thinks I will get pissed at him for it when really it can be handled way different and Im willing to work with him when he doesn't treat me like shit. Please help. I love him I love him sooo much and I want all this to stop. Can it be fixed or is it break up time.... In the end I just want what is best for my baby, he is the air I breathe he is my savior baby I love him more than anything and I wanna give him a beautiful life... HELP ASAP
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He has a huge problem. Drinking screws up relationships and while he is still doing it, you won't be happy and he'll still treat you like crap.
You can't make him change. You can only encourage him to do so.
I don't know if he loves you. This all could just be the drinking. But either way, you're not supposed to just take it.
You also have a baby in the picture. You don't want him to grow up with that kind of environment. He may be a good father, but he has a huge problem that can hurt both of you and your child shouldn't have to live with that and neither should you.
My advice would be to not stay with him. Maybe in the future after he has gotten some help and you've gotten over your issues you can possibly see if it's possible.
You can't be in a relationship when you don't trust somebody. You're bringing up the past and still asking him about it, and that's not good. But he also shouldn't be getting drunk or calling you names.
So just let him go. You need someone who wouldn't do things like that to you and someone you can trust.
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I am going to start with telling you that there is no such thing as slowing down on drinking for a person with a drinking problem. It's not alcohol that is a problem here, it can be taken in moderation by many people but the difference is they are not addicted to it. Just because you've seen him go for a period of time without drinking, does not mean that he is not addicted. When difficulties in life come and he can't be adult enough to face and go through in other ways, he turns to alcohol for solace...every time...it's a pattern. Its an addiction.
Your pushing and questioning him is normal for your situation. He has not given any consistent behavior that would instill trust in you. He keeps breaking your trust.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions and brings up and out that which is buried deep inside. The mean-ness that comes up means he had some major issues he needs to face and go through and get healing for...it's all bottled up in his subconscious mind, thats where all our emotion and feelings come from, the good and the bad. Problem is that he is unwilling to face that which causes internal emotional pain for him because of a fear of the feeling of the pain all over again. It could be parents abusing him as a child, the pain of being shy and bullied as a kid, the pain of the death of friend or loved one, or not happy with oneself in general but at same time not wanting to make any changes, having a low self esteem, etc....
Because people are so afraid to face their fear or ugly incidents of the past to get healing, most remain that way for life. >There's a very good chance that boyfriend will never change.
You want whats best for baby? Good! What about whats best for yourself? Thats the lesson I had to learn being not with an alcoholic but a man with mental illness and childhood insecurities, turns out he never loved me, I was only his 'security blanket' that gave him false sense of security when he had to face things he didnt like. And the frustrations for him never went away, he verbally abused for 30 years and it slowly got worse and worse, towards the end b efore i left him, he was beginning to be physically abusive as well. I went thru the exact same things you do....loving the person, getting abuse from them, then the person apologizing, then another honeymoon period where all was well for a while and yes I could see some of his good qualities and then it started over again, he would crack under pressure and abuse again.
In the beginning, the times of abuse were less than the good times. As will happen subconsciously when buried troubles and issues are undealt with, that need to heal gets stronger so the issues get worse. So over time, the bad phases began to come more often than the good in this crazy cycle. If you stay with him long enough, you will see the same thing. I stayed 30 yrs. I hope you don't stay that long. Right now he needs a good counselor, not a relationship, because he is not in the state of mental and emotional health to be in a relationship. Until he allows himself to face, deal with and heal from whatever plagues him, he will never be ready to be in a relationship.
There is one other issue and that lies with you. I had to come to the same realization. I had to end up being treated worse and worse willing to be treated that way until I finally got to the point when I said...no more. What I needed to learn and is likely what you need to learn, is to love yourself first above and beyond loving any other, a mate, a child, a friend. The bible verse that talks about loving your neighbor as you love yourself, was something I realized we all tend to look at and miss the most important part...We realize we need to love our neighbor. but the "as yourself' part is often overlooked. The deal is, if we don't know how to love ourselves first, then we will be incapable of loving others in a way that is really effective, a person who does not love themself enough and allows themself to be abused, is not going to really be able to love others the way that they should. Oh but I love myself you say. I'm sure you do, and baby. But only to a certain degree. You can't be boyfriends savior and healer by staying with him. Staying with him may help him to delusionally believe that he is having a normal healthy life cus he has you and has a son and you all life together.
Also, the kind of treatment he gives you will slowly over the years eat away at and destroy whatever love you have for him now...the romantic love. In the end, I had no feelings left of being in love with him. I care about him as a human being and wish his life was better. But only he can bring about t he change for healing because the will for it must come from inside. And so many of us lack will power for anything.
I know its hard, but its going to be best for you. Save you the stress it puts on your body physically over time (stomach ulcers, headaches, migraines, etc..) and gives baby a better chance at growing up normal. My 3 daughters turned out okay but I see dysfunctional tendencies crop up in them quite often and see how having a verbally abusive dad did have its negative effects on them, even tho they turned out to be wonderful people despite it all.
You knew what you needed to do, you just needed to sort out in your mind a strong enough reason so that you can make yourself go through with it.
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You are missing the point, He IS a piece of shit.
You're boyfriend needs to get professional help, He is incapable of changing on his own. If you want what is best for you and your baby then you need to set an example and LEAVE the relationship. As a mother, Your job is to provide a good living environment for your child. Never allow someone back into your life that has the dignity of cheat on more then several occasions and be well aware of his actions. Why is he with you? because you keep allowing him to crawl back to you. As long as he thinks it is okay, He will continue to take advantage of that. In my personal opinion, He has far to many times blown his chances. The name calling, The bringing up the cheating would have most certainly ended it right then and there on my behalf. You stated he doesn't want to live in the past but the thing you are missing is that he IS living in the past. Your boyfriend is refusing to help himself and keeps on repeating old habits, His behavior is unhealthy and his actions are beyond uncalled for. It is extremely unacceptable and you should and need to move on. Focus on you and your baby, Not someone who needs serious help.
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