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happy together, fighting apart
My boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend, and I just broke up a few days ago after a little over a month of constant fighting and "one last chances". Whenever we see each other, we're happier than ever and it feels like we just started dating all over again (we've been together for over a year), but when we're apart and we dont see each other because of our busy schedules, we argue about stupid stuff that ultimately results in saying hurtful things that we dont mean, breaking up, and then realizing we love each other and getting back. What does this mean? Is it worth still trying or should we just give up? we're 19 and we love each other SO much, but the stupid fights are too much to handle sometimes...HELP!
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There are a lot of couples who go through this, especially young couples. I mean there are plenty of older couples who fight a lot but the majority is with the younger ones because they're still learning about people.
Relationships are just hard in general. I mean it's two people coming together with two completely different personalities trying to get along and agree on the same things.
Your only problem is the fighting. Relationships will always have problems, but it's how you handle them that make the difference. If this is the most serious problem you guys have and it's the only reason why you broke up, then I'm going to tell you to find better ways to resolve conflict. Look into books, talk to older couples who are in happy marriages or relationships. You will have disagreements but that doesn't mean you should fight, obviously, especially if it's over small things.
Also, if you do feel like there is tension and you feel an argument might be coming on, take some time to cool down. Don't just start spewing out things because you're mad, you'll say things you'll regret and don't mean. So just tell him you need a second to cool down, go into another room, get some water, do something else for a bit then come back and talk it out, no arguing. It helps if you write it out.
Good luck. I'm sure everything will be fine.
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Relationships at this stage in life are going to be fragile because there is so much going on that can sabotage it. One obvious issue is your age and inexperience in life, and the (dare I say it) immature responses to each other which start the next fight cycle. Hon, I am not condemning you...we all, me included were immature even though in many ways we felt grown up. I married at 20, in retrospect, that was a big mistake...I had very little life experience and knowledge AND a reall biggie...the part of the brain responsible for any young person to be able to make good solid, decisions, had not finished developing yet. That incomplete and therefore immature decisions and actions making brain isnt done til our mid twenties.
So don't be hard on yourselves and think you're terrible people or anything, right now its a matter of age and still needing to complete growing up. Then again, you have the stress of busy schedules, whether its school for both, or job and school and studying and the times of schedules keeping you apart which can be frustrating.
While there's a chance that even though you love each other, that there isn't enough chemistry and things in common that cause your issues, my instincts tell me that in your case its more likely due to inexperience in relationships, how to act in a more adult manner as far as handling the stress of your life, schedule and the relationship.
A fact of life is that a healthy relationship takes two people putting in maximum effort to make it so. It doesn't happen just because there is a feeling of love. I am in love with my 2nd husband and he with me. But there are things he will do at times that irritate me. I have to remember that I may do things that in turn irritate him, and is it all the important to get worked up about? No. If it is something that I believe will effect either of our personal mental health, physical health or emotional health and welfare, then I bring up what I see to be an issue and gently talk it out without blaming or pointing fingers, just stating that I am concerned and what my worries and concerns are and that if it isn't addressed and fixed, it will continue to irritate the relationship and possibly put stress on us and our love so to keep the relationship happy, instead of ignoring an issue, we work through it and find a solution that each of us can live with.
For you to be able to do that, you need less stress of college or job or whatever life is bringing your way. Or finding ways to deal what that stress so you don't let it out on each other. If older people still don't understand the opposite sex completely, do you think that at 19 the both of you have it totally figured out. Likely theres a lot to learn. I am still learning in my 50's. I know enough to have a fairly problem free relationship, but I learn new things every day about personality types and how to get along with them. I might suggest you and he study a book together on relationships, the difference between how men and woman think and act and how its often interpreted wrong by the other. But you may not have the time for it. When you are ready to, no matter how much is on your plate, the two of you will make a decision how important the relationship is above all else, school, jobs, etc.
And then you find prioritize your life to put working on yourselves to learn to respond rather than react, to make more mature decisions wiht each other, and take time to learn to understand the opposite sex better, and then to learn his own unique personality quirks, what you love, what irritates, and choosing to let the insignificant quirks just slide.
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