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Do I leave or do I stay?
I've been married for 6 years to this great guy, but I know he's not the one I'm supposed to be with. I've been trying to decide for years whether or not I should stay or go. I have another guy I just started seeing that wants me and my children to move in with him. But he also knows I'm not ready for that move right now. He's great with me and my kids, he works and has time for us too.
My husband is always on his computer or sleeping, yes I understand he works 3rd shift but still he needs to spend time with us, but he's never going to change. What do I do? I am so confused and heartbroken over trying to figure this out.
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I don't think you have given your marriage a fair shot especially with the children. You allowed another man enter your heart which naturally will cause you to stray from your husband. You should end things before starting something new. Not to mention although this new guys seems so perfect that will only last for so long. Once you leave your marriage and move in with the other guy I promise you will have some of the same similar issues. Put more time into rekindling your marriage and tell the other guy you need to figure out your marriage first. Its only fair to everyone including the kids. Remember you said you have been married to a great guy. Marriage is hard. It's a compromise of your entire life. You know the saying, "the grass is always greener".
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You've already answered your own question.
You stated you know he's never gonna change. Thats not just him you know, most human fear change, it is scary...so in most cases, what you see, is what you get for life. CHanges if there are any will only be small ones that really make little difference in the big picture. Your kids are still young, they will adjust.
The husband is not the one. Your heart has already committed to remedying your situation. Two people can be very nice people but wrong for each other chemistry wise and once the initial attraction wears off, one or both partners lose interest. Doesnt mean either person is a bad person, just not right for each other. Staying longer with hubby doesn't fix your situation...so ask yourself...why am I not ready to move out? Is it financial? Sounds like you've got that angle covered. Is it just the confusing thoughts?
You feel guilty perhaps thinking that you haven't done everything possible to make this marriage work, to save it, or maybe guilty cus you don't feel like putting any more effort into it.
Let me state clearly coming out of a bad marriage myself, that even if one person is putting in all the effort to try to help better a marriage or save a marriage, then it will fail or is already dead. In my case, my marriage was dead 2 years after getting into it. I hung around with 3 children by him for 30 yrs. Thats' like carrying a dead mummified body around with you every day for 30 yrs. The marriage was dead. I stayed for all the wrong reasons. The right reason, was that I wasn't really loved as a wife, a lover, a partner...more like you like a friend...thats it.
I hope you dont wait that long. Whether the other guy you met is right for you, who's to know...but it sure sounds like hubby has no interest. Why he has no desire to make things better with you is likely cus his subconscious mind already knows it cant be any better.
The only other thing I can think of is that your conscious mind and your subconscious mind are not on the same page. All our emotions and feelings come from our subconscious mind. Its natural that it feels bad that it didn't work out for you. You've had time to come to love him as a person, as another human being, but not as the man who is your husband and lover that you have a spark with, chemistry with. You have to let your self know deep down that this is a critical difference in a marriage. A marriage is more than the legal piece of paper...that understood...currently, you don't have a marriage...you have a room mate who happens to be the father of your children who doenst have time for any of you, nor wants to. Thats what you have. The sooner your subconscious mind is able to come to grips with reality, it will be easier for you to make a decision. Either you and hubby attend marriage counseling and see how that goes. But if neither of you find your heart is in it, then its time to part ways as friends and move on.
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Doesn't sound like his heart is really into the marriage anymore. Lack of communication and effort are taking it's toll.
You aren't happy, If you were then you wouldn't be here in a debate. You stated that he won't change, Have you spoken to him? Assuming you have and he has shown little to no effort in inproving, It may be in your best interest to move on. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you and your children.
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It is hard for me to tell you to go ahead and throw in the towel on your marriage. I think your lonely and you probably have every right to be considering what you have written.
You are probably missing the intimacy and companionship of your marriage that for the moment you are finding in this other guy. Here again I can see your point and can even be understanding of it. But if you want my permission or our permission I can't see myself or anyone else giving it to you without first trying to work things out with your husband.
You say, "My husband is always on his computer or sleeping, yes I understand he works 3rd shift but still he needs to spend time with us, but he's never going to change."
What you don't say is that you and your husband have spoken about this or done anything to try and over come this." "You do not say that your husband is even aware that you are lonely and in need of the intimacy you two have shared in the past for that is what I believe you are saying.
You say he is a great guy and you have been married for six years and have children by him. To just up an walk out on him without trying to save your marriage or at least letting him know your unhappy would be terribly wrong.
We men tend to get into comfort zones. He's a great guy, a good provider and father who is failing at being the husband you had or want. You need to let him know this if you haven't already done so, which you haven't said.
My suggestion is before you throw in the towel on this marriage you and your husband need to talk. You may even need to bring in a disinterested third party such as a marriage counselor. If your husband still does not changes his ways and your are still unhappy you can at least say you tried.
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