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Can't forgive emotional affair.
Hi. About 6 months back I found that my husband had an emotional affair. I confronted him and he claimed is not true. later I found proof that he in fact was emotionally attached to a woman who was also married. It turned into an ugly fight and we were seperate for a month. He asked me to return for the sake of our children. He had still not acknowledged nor apologised for his cheating. I can't sleep at times thinking about this. I start crying mid day when no one is at home.
He still had contact with her but for completely different reasons,and I believe it 100%. But I cannot believe and accept the fact that he was emotionally intimate with another woman. I don't know how to forget and foregive him. We are back in our relationship now but I always feel that my marriage has no meaning.
He is generally not a communicative person and this has put me in a miserable position. Your advice on this is appreciated.
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It would help to know why your husband still has contact with this woman for I believe this may be the crux of the problem. As the saying goes it takes two to tango. This women is just as guilty and possibly more so, depending on who sought the other out and why, as he is.
If it is because they work in the same office doing jobs that require them to work together. Then the only real solution to eliminating her from his life is to ask your husband to find a new job. Easy enough to say much harder to do in to today's work market plus what will he be giving up in the way of pay and benefits his tenure at this job gives him.
I will not belittle the fact that you are hurt by your husband's emotional affair, you should be hurt. An emotional affair can and sometimes is just one step away from a physical affair. You say you believe that his continued contact with this women is for different reason and you believe that 100%. This is good as this is a big step in your healing.
You say that your husband is hard to communicate with. This is a very big part of this problem. Without the two of you being able to sit down and talk about what has happened and why. You are not going to heal and this will continue to fester in you. You may be able to continue in some form with a marriage between you, even if it is just for the sake of the children which I do not recommend. If you do though every little thing that is wrong and goes wrong will go directly back to this emotional affair. It will be the albatross around your necks, or the elephant in the room for however long you two remain married.
There are two things you can do to learn to communicate in general and communicate about this incident. You two can sit down and stare at each other and try to talk to each other. The other way is to bring in a disinterested this party to lead the discussions. This can be a marriage counselor or a psychologist.
I recommend the psychologist as you will get two for the price one with a psychologist. Besides leading the discussions on his affair and how it has hurt you. Your husband can work with the psychologist to find out what caused him to go there in the first place.
I believe once you start talking you will find that your husband cannot give you a reason for why this happened. Working with the psychologist he will learn why and how to prevent whatever caused it from happening in the future.
I believe this is the best option for saving your marriage. To stay together for the sake of the kids is wrong. Children are smarter than we give them credit for. They will sense the tension between their parents and it will hurt them more than a separation or a divorce will. Give the therapy route a try as I truly believe this is the best option to save your marriage. Your husbands EAP program at work will help find a psychologist and pay for the first few sessions.
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Staying with someone for the children is a wrong reason to stay with someone. If he cared about the children, he wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
Why stay with someone you're unhappy with? He's not communicating with you and it's going to hurt more in the long run.
You need to talk to him again. You have to lay everything out on the table. Don't accuse him, don't lecture him, just state your feelings. If he still acts like he doesn't care, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. If he starts putting more effort into your marriage, then that's when you start learning how to forgive.
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I believe staying with someone for the sake of your children is the wrong reason to stay with someone. Although childreb come first in many circumstances, When it comes to relationships and marriages YOU must put yourself first. Meaning, It is not required that you stay in a marriage for children when your miserable. Children wouldn't benefit much from an unhappy parent.
Unfortunately, You stated your husband doesn't communicate much is this could be a key to a failing marriage. He cheated, He broke your trust. Sweetie, You may need to cry until you learn to accept he isn't worth it. I don't believe in forgiving a cheater. He put his marriage at saje and his children. If he wanted to make it work for the children....he should of thought about that a long time ago.
I wouldn't do it
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Psychological research by Buss and others does say that males are more likely to be jealous of physical infidelity, whilst females are more jealous and less forgiving of emotional infidelity.
So textbook evidence says that it is understandable why you are feeling this way.
I think its good that you do believe your husband. In truth-you have to. As we can not live our lives second guessing people all the time.
You have to trust him again-even though its hard. But by doing that your being kind to yourself.
I know you're still hurting. I think it'd be beneficial, though upsetting, to realize why he had an emotional affair with someone other than the mother of his children.
Have you been stressed of late with work? Is he pulling his weight as much as you with the children?
Seeing as you'd struggle to speak to your husband about this, it can be easier if you try to empathize with him. Just stand in his shoes a minute, and think-why did he do that?
Remember, its nothing that you have done wrong, just something he can't accept. When you realize any possible reasons why he did have this affair for six months, perhaps then you can learn to be less bitter about it.
I think its easier to split up with someone after a physical affair. But staying together for the sake of playing happy families is not the answer. I feel your children would sense something is not right. Millions of people make their lives work without grinning and bearing it.
Just an option. Alternatively, you could thank the heavens for this wake up call you have just had. Face it, no one is perfect. And you can seize this opportunity and putting your energy crying into energy to making yourself a better person.
Try taking up activities that regain your sense of self worth, like volunteering.
Its up to you what you do, but remember that nothing lasts forever, and everything always works out in the end.
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