|
Love
Hi there my cousin and i have been together for 6 yrs secretly we hve a 5 yr old daughter together and no one knows about it weve managed to keep it a secret this long but late last year she decided to end it recently saying she cant pretend anymore and alota people will get hurt if they found out i know shes my cousin but i just fell in love with her and even now im stil madly in love with her i havent seen or spoken to her in a month now and im heartbroken is it true u cant choose who u fall in love with? and i miss my daughter too and ive Also been told by people shes been seen with another guy this is just a very big mess at the moment i dont know what to do
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
That's an extremely complicated situation you are put in. I don't really think there's an easy answer for this. Basically you started with a huge secret, and in my own opinion, as hard as if may be I think that just telling the truth would be a huge benefit. Secrets are really messy, and they make you stress alot, I know it's hard to do but the best advice I could give is what I would think to do myself, just tell your family or whoever you are closest with. You will feel so much better and not have to worry about hiding anything anymore. Besides it would be alot more complicated keeping this secret years down the line when your child grows up and understands moral and family secrets and issues. I really hope this has helped you, telling the truth is never the ideal path to take in particular situations such as yours, but in my experience its always the choice with the best outcome.
]
I answered you before and assumed you were in the States. Thanks for providing the info we all needed.
Since I dont live in New Zealand, I had to rely on the internet for information about legality of marriage of cousins in New Zealand.
Yes, it is Okay. Its amazing what you can find on the web. Even you can do the search just like I did. My search questions was "Can cousins marry in New Zealand and this is the site that seems to just be someones opinion but fact.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
]
Living in the states I am not familiar with the laws in New Zealand which is something you need to contact a lawyer about. I feel regardless of the fact that your daughter is a child conceived of incest; as the father you have certain parental rights as well as responsibilities in regard to your daughter.
Not knowing the law I can only guess at your rights and responsibilities though I would think they would be the same if Incest was not a factor. Your responsibilities include seeing to the proper care and raising of the child. Included in this would be child care payments, Health Insurance and life insurance to insure child care is available until your daughter is at least a legal adult in New Zealand.
Your rights include visitation, joint custody if you want it and sole custody if you wish to challenge your cousin for it.
Just what your responsibilities are to your daughter and the rights you may have as her father you need to see a lawyer. You also need to see if the fact that your daughter is a child of incest factors at all on your rights or the child's mothers rights.
Whatever is determined after speaking with a lawyer. If you want to maintain your rights you will need to have those rights ordered by the courts. Without a court order, ordering your rights to whatever you are by law entitled too. Your cousin is free to do as she please in the raising of your child.
]
Here's an article on facts about 1st cousin marriages. I knew that there was some belief that there may be issues with genetics in children from such a marriage. Half the states in the U.S. have no ban on cousin marriages. In fact according the the article I am going to list with links to more articles on particular subjects, there really seems to be no good point that could be made against it. It's all more bigotry and misunderstanding than anything else.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Send this article to your cousin. You both need to find time to talk after reading this. And do more research on line on your own. Be sure to get articles with facts, not peoples bias's.
Now you know how the gay people feel. They can no more choose who they fall in love with than you could. For years they kept their feelings and love for someone in the closet. I say its high time that "kissing cousins" come out of the closet too and find their acceptance among society. If your female cousin is also madly in love with you but choosing to force herself to see someone else due to fear of family or peer pressure, then for her own health sake she needs to change her attitude. She could develop great stress which leads to depression, and too long a depression in some cases can lead to a person trying to take their own life. Too much stress can also come out instead over time by causing physical issues within the body that over time can lead to major illnesses and in some cases death.
If the two of you can read up on line as I did for you, and see that there really is nothing wrong with being a couple in love and having a child, and change your views in your minds how you feel about it, then half the battle is won.
If your state is one of those allowing cousin marriages, then it leans even more in your favor.
The biggest issue will be how your family reacts to it. Give them the plain hard facts too. If they choose to never come around to supporting you, thats their issue and their loss in not having good relations with you. Other people you may meet over a life time, co-workers, neighbors, need not know that you are related, all they will know is that you are a happily married couple.
You said people will get hurt to know you two are in love. There is nothing one person can do to make another person happy for example, if they want to continue to mope around, nothing can make or force them to become angry, or make them hurt emotionally. Anything that happens in any one persons life can cause them to react in either a positive way or a negative way.. That choice is entirely up to the individual, not due to what you would be sharing with them. So the issue of someone becoming angry or hurt can not be blamed on the circumstance, or happenstance. I hope you see what I am getting at. Hopefully if you do, maybe you;ll be able to get others to see it too.
Right now, I think you need at least one more relative on your side. Maybe there is one person in all the family who is very open minded. Any child deserves to know who both her birth parents are. It will never matter to the daughter whether mommy and daddy are cousins, she only knows you as parents. I'd hate to see you deprived of seeing her. See if you can get your cousin to come around and come back to you and the two of you decide if you will pick and choose the most open minded family member...my personal choice would be someone who is supportive of gay people and may have some gay friends, they will likely be most understanding once you have shared all the facts you have from on line. Ask them to stand up with you two when you finally tell the family. If your cousin doesnt come around, then you'll need to decide how to go about continueing to see your daughter.
I see only two things, either you end up in the long run only getting to see daughter at large family gatherings and she knows you as a 2nd cousin but not a dad or you go against your cousins wishes and come out to the family about it.
The only reason I can see for the latter choice is having a greater concern for how keeping this secret may hurt the daughter if it is found out when she is a teen or adult, which would mean hurting your cousin instead. You are in a very hard place. The decisions are all yours, i could only give you some facts and things to think about. Good Luck
]
Like any relationship, if it's over, it's over and you'll have to move on with your life. Whether she's your cousin or not, she's over it. Her prior relation to you really has no part to play in her continued want of you. There's nothing you can do about that. As for your daughter, if you want to see her, you need to go to court and get at least partial custody. This can be kind of tricky, though, since you fathered a child with your cousin. People are going to find out, and in some states this activity is illegal. I would contact a lawyer to view your options and potential repercussions in your area.
Heart ache sucks, and the cards you're handed in life, often, also suck. You just have to pick up your life and move on. Find happiness elsewhere.
]
More Questions: |