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Emotional Enmeshment. (Is it best if I have nothing to do with my mother?)
I am a 49 year old woman. My question is concerning my mother and my 53 year old brother. My dad passed away 17 years ago. I was married at the time, my oldest brother, I will call him Fred, lived with my parents. Fred is an alcoholic and a chronic marijuana smoker. My mom interfered when my dad attempted to make a man out of him. She has always been immensely partial to her sons. My other brother is married with 5 kids. I think marrying at a young age and having a large family is what saved him from eternal childhood, unlike Fred. Recently, I have had to move in with my mom due to financial difficulties. Fred doesn't work at the time and does, virtually nothing all day. I work part time while waiting on a full time job. I help as much as I can financially and try to help around the house. My mother doesn't expect anything from Fred. She criticizes me often, cutting me down, her favorite thing to do is make me feel guilty about my divorce. She makes no attempt to hide that she can't wait until I get out of her house. She and Fred often talk in her bedroom, closing the door and talking quietly so no one can hear. I know they are not incestuous, but theirs is a very sick relationship. I feel when I have the financial means to get out of her house, I will not return here ever again, not even for a visit. My other brother, literally hates Fred. He feels Fred is mooching off our mother, I feel she asked for it. She has cloistered him and her in this little sick world since my dad died and she wants no one else in it. Hopefully soon, I will grant her her wish. Is it in my best interest to totally disengage myself from my mother when I move out?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I will not say it is unusual for a parent or parents to favor one child over another, though your story seem to go to the extreme.
Is it in your best interest to totally disengage yourself from your mother when you move out? That is a very hard question for any of us to answer. Your question is also not quite that simple as in the additional information you talk about what to with Fred when your mother passes.
This question is a bit easier to answer. Fred is family and at my advanced age, I'm retired now, I would have to say to some extent we need to help family to what extent we are physically and financially able to if they are unable to care for themselves. With Fred the problem is not that simple.
Fred is able to care for himself but refuses. You and your other sibling(s) need to discuss what you would be willing to do when the time comes. I would suggest you prepare a safety net where you provide the basics, a roof over his head, food and medical as needed. You give him a time limit to become self supporting or he will have to go on welfare. You and your siblings should tell him and your mother this now. Tell her that her enabling him is not helping him and that while you will not let him flounder in the event of her death your first responsibility is to your own spouses and children.
As to your original question. I do not have an answer to give you. This is something you have to decide for yourself. I will tell you this, I had to make that decision with me and my father about ten years ago. I did decide to cut him from my life after he made some very nasty comments to my wife. He and I never spoke again even up to when he past away. I am comfortable with that decision. You have to decide for yourself if first you have the reason to cut you mother from your life and then if you will be comfortable with doing so.
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I never thought someone your age would ever have a problem like that and i admit that that's crazy for me to assume, but i always thought that grown ups knew that even though their parents or anyone that has raised them may do crazy things but deep down they are your parents and they love you. I understand that its hard for you and you are feeling singled out and trust me i can relate as a 17 year old girl i always feel like I'm being treated unfairly but at the end of the day i see the bigger picture. It is a good idea to get out on your own though, you'll go crazy in that environment, but don't cut your mom off after all i'm sure you guys have been through. Times may get tough between you too, but truth is you wouldn't be who you are today if it wasn't for her. I say if you haven't talked to her about how you feel, try it out. If she doesn't understand at least you got if off your chest. But someone that close to you can't be replaced and you'll have a hole in your heart forever.
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