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Boyfriend & Overprotective Parents
Hi I am 14 years old and I have a boyfriend he does not go to my school but I have met him before in my old school and now we are dating. However, my Mom is aware but my dad is Super Over Protective and he would even spy on me when I would go to the Movies with my friends, so I need advice Urgently!!! What should I do I wanna see my boyfriend so badly but I'm afraid tht my dad will catch me ! :( Please Help ! Thank you .
-ForeverLoveKimx3
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First you have to understand something about us dads when it comes to our daughters. While a son is expected to grow into a man a daughter is always going to be daddy's little girl. Even when she is a grown up and has children of her own. It may not be right but it is the way it is.
Now I am old enough to be your grandfather and I realize times have changed since I had any children your age. At 14 I would be judged as over protective also as I would not allow any other than the group dates such as going to the movies with a group of friends. IF your boyfriend was among the group of friends I would approve. To single date that would be no.
It is not that I don't trust you. If I raised you then I should trust you. Having once been a 14 year old boy, I don't trust him. Boys his age confuse lust and love. Love to him and you are very different. Love to him is lust. He wants only one thing, sex. He is hard wired since puberty to have sex. His raging hormones demand he finds sex, so he tells girls he loves them and if they love him they will have sex with him. This is what fathers fear for their young daughters, especially with first loves.
The problem is that they/we do not explain this to you because we fear you won't listen to us, as we are just your parents and what do we know we are just old. Fact is we are older and have done everything you have done and will do; this is why we can be so over protective.
Okay now that I've explained this to you how do you get dad to loosen up a bit. You could start by having a talk with him. You could tell him that some kindly old man on an advice sight has explained to you what 14 year old boys are all about and why he is so concerned. Now that you know you can promise him that your boyfriend has as much chance of getting what he wants as an ice cube has in warm places. If your dad is the dad I think he is then I think you have started a good conversation that hopefully ends with some lifting of restrictions for you. It would also help if you brought the boy home to meet dad.
My wife tells me that when she was your age her father insisted that boys come to the house. One look from him and the boys knew better than to try anything.
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First of all, talk to your Mom. She and your Dad need to come to some kind of agreement on guidelines and rules for you dating. I'll bet they either haven't discussed it or have come to loggerheads and not agreed on anything so Mom dropped the subject and is pretending it isn't an issue. Either way, if she hasn't brought up the subject, or she is letting dad have his way, she is being "chicken". At your age, it should be fine to have a male friend. And it should be okay with you to abide with their guidelines regarding having a friend who is a male.
since your Dad sounds like he has the least amount of trust, it's either irrational or there is a logical reason. Have you done anything in the past to cause him to now not trust you even if you have grown up and wouldn't do it again?
Have your girl friends spent much time at your house so the parents get to know them? If so, by now Dad should know he can trust them. For example, they should know your girlfriends are good kids who wouldn't influence you to start skipping school or take drugs.
If you are innocent in all this and your parents are the ones with the problems, you might try to ask for advice from school counselors. Although I dont think they handle non school related issues and may refer a family counselor.
First and easiest would be another adult family relation who you could talk to. An aunt, grandma someone who will hear your side of it and go speak to your parents on your behalf...to get them to be reasonable and make some rules you all agree on.
What is really bad and they must be brought to see it, is that you need to be allowed to learn on your own how to make good choices in friends. They need to trust you and give you a little space. They should have been teaching you how to make good choices all along. If they have done nothing towards teaching you anything to prepare you for your more independant years as a teenager, then again they are making mistakes as parents and should not restrict and punish you because of their lack. If they have taught you well and still don't trust you, something is really wrong and I'd say family counseling is important. I could tell you to talk to your parents about this issue. Only you would know if they are the kind of people to listen, really listen to you without yelling and getting mad.
Your parents may unknowingly drive a wedge between you and them and lose your respect of them. Worse yet, the stress of being spied on and never trusted could have psychological effects on you where you start cutting to deal with it, your grades drop so now you're harrassed for that or end up in depression and depression can lead to teen suicide. We don't want to see you get anywhere near that. And thats why I come back to thinking that a talk is important but a talk of just you and parents may not work. You need some other adult, a relative or a counselor being an advocate for you and approaching your parents to speak to them. Your parent may love you but babies aren't born with parenting instruction manuals so most parents are winging it the whole way and sometimes need another adult who knows better to give them pointers. Good luck dear.
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Your mother needs to tell him to back off and give you some space to make decisions, date and yes even make mistakes as you need to. She has to tell him that his spying is driving you apart from him and ruining your relationship with him. Then get your freedom.
Also, use any other adult be it a teacher, friend's parent, relative that dad values the opinion of to tell him the same thing privately and that you feel suffocated.
As far as the boyfriend goes have both your parents meet him and his parents at a dinner you will host. Bring up the privacy issue, needing to make decisions and proper judgment in front of his and your parents and show them that he's a good guy. Maybe then your dad will back off.
You could also talk to your father alone and privately that you understand he cares but that he needs to stop spying on you, let you make decisions or you'll never be able to grow. Make sure he knows that you have all the same values as he does and won't do anything he deems "wrong" but that you need him to relax. That's a responsible way of addressing this.
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