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Breaking up is hard to do....
Hello, so I am just curious if anyone has found any strategies that work a little better when trying to break up with someone.
I have tried for a year and a half to make my current relationship work mostly because I am too nice and partially because my boyfriend has serious issues with depression and I wanted to help him. But he hasnt been able to get better in fact only worse so it is not time to end it.
Except I'm a chicken. We are both 21 so young and I personally have only broken up with one other person in my whole life. As far as I know I am the first relationship hes had. We dated for two and half years. We have amazing history like the best time of my life with him. So it makes it harder, sad and the worst part is I don't want to hurt him.
So I'm wondering what I can do to soften the blow, we are on a break right now because I told him I need time to think and he is going crazy. Texting me every day, telling me things will be different, begging me not to break up with him, that I am the only person for him, that I am the person he wishes he was and knows he can be again (because we were so similar when we met, but he completely changed when he went into depression). I tell him were just too different to be together and he shouldn't be with anyone right now. But he is telling me all these things that I know he feels and I don't want to hurt him so badly and ruin his opinion of women. Hes begging me right now not to leave him so does anyone have any tips on what to say when I do break up with him to make it less painful? Anything youd like to hear that would make a breakup better?
I know it will hurt regardless, but any tips?
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What if I said to you that women have an evolutionary character trait that leans towards putting the needs of others slightly before their own? That women are the natural 'carers'? That women tend towards compassionate responses more often than males? It's a behavioural pattern, but of course a young woman of 21 cannot stay with a partner based on sympathy, and a desire not to hurt him. It's not enough. An equally strong bit of genetic coding is telling you that your man should be a figure of mutual respect, supportive to you, there for YOUR needs in equal measure. There's no easy way of telling anybody something they don't want to hear. Whether you're tough, sympathetic, apologetic...whatever line you take it won't make him feel any better. But I think we both know you have to do it. Only thing I could say is show complete single-mindedness and on no account let him feel it's a wake-up call, or a bluff to get him to change. You can't leave him in the vain hope of a reconcilliation, since he will cling to this like a drowning man will clutch at any straw. And that really isn't fair on him. Best wishes....ultimately it will be proven the right choice. If you were both 41, with children maybe, and things broke down the same way, it might be different. There might be too much to walk away from with a clear conscience. At 21 it will only lead to resentment and misery for you. Be quick, clean and totally upfront. I've read your thoughts and comments but I doubt telling him in the manner you've told us will be welcomed by him. So when he asks that horrible 'Why?' I should simply tell him you see no future you want for yourself coming of this relationship. Rather than giving him a list of specific reasons. Hope I don't sound too callous? I feel for you, honestly...and your partner. All the best.X
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You are clearly not happy from what you have written
Things can't just magically be different, He needs to be willing to help himself. In a period of 2 1/2 years you should hace a pretty good idea of whether ir not to believe he will change.
I suffer from severe depression, I am married. I have been with my husband for more then 5 years abd still today I am seeing counselors and on anti depressants.
My point is, No matter how long or convincing he wants to
Be someone who suffers depression will always be difficult to be around to some degree.
As far as breaking up being hard to do, Someone once told me that sometimes ending it is better then prolonging the pain. Meaning, It hurts more in the end to wait if you know something isn't right.
For you dear, You need to put yourself first. You are entitled to be with someone who can give back as much as you give. We cannot allow ourselves to be sucked into things tgat cause us misery in the end. Your boyfriend may not truly be the right one fir you. Are you happy?.... Do you want to meet someone eles? You decide. From and outsiders view though...you sound ready to move on.
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Hi. I have a daughter who has depression. Depression comes from an imbalance in the brain of naturally occuring hormones, neurotransmitters . If it's just depression connected to an event that recently occured, a person can ussually overcome the depression on their own as with one daughter whose boyfriend dumped her. the other had it as a teen but it wasn't noticeable and she was able to manage until pregnancy kicked it into uncontrollable strong depression and she needed to go on medication. You didnt mention what his situation is, what he is doing to remedy the depression, if he is seeing a doctor, is on medication?
Perhaps with medication he could live a normal life. My daughter can. And she is in a healthy relationship. Depression isn't a death sentence for a person where one must break up with them for that reason. If they are not willing to go for treatment, then its a problem and that is a good enough reason to say its over and leave without another look back.
You focus on the depression, but are there other reasons that he is not right for now. You mention an amazing history and the best time of your life. Since I dont know if he is or isnt on medication it is hard to give you the most helpful answer. He could be on the umpteenth try of another med and its not working...i dont know.
If you have that info. i would like another try to help more. Like when did things change if he wasnt depressed before....what happened in his life around the time he changed?
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