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Why am I only sexually attracted to men & not emotionally?
Ok so i am a 16 year old girl and i think that I’m either bisexual or gay. Because i am not emotionally attracted to men, i feel like i can't trust them and i don't know why, I’ve never been hurt by them. I’ll look at a guy, say he’s hot but that’s it I feel like I can’t ever emotionally connect with them. As with women I’m both emotionally and physically attracted to them. But I can see myself with both. I’ve never really told anyone of how I feel because I am so confused and scared that if people knew they’d hate me. please help!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Very few people are perfectly straight, perfectly gay, or perfectly bisexual and can date and love and have sex with both men and women.
Most of us fall in between somewhere. Many people who are straight may have only a slight passing sexual appreciation for the same sex. Many people who are gay are attracted in some way to the opposite sex but not enough to do anything about it.
Ever heard of the Kinsey Scale? 6 is completely gay with zero attraction of any kind to the opposite sex, 0 is completely straight with zero attraction to the same sex, 3 is perfectly bisexual.
So, I'm like 1 and you're probably like 4-5. I can't date men, though I find them attractive. I have never once crushed on a guy emotionally the way I do with women. I got married, I had a kid, and I always knew I wanted a wife.
You can see yourself with both now. That might change one way or the other. And it might change again later. I know a woman who dated only guys in high school because she was afraid of coming out and she enjoyed having sex with them, then switched to women only in college and actually started having serious relationships. She got into one relationship with a woman when she was 24, it lasted until they were both 32 when they split after having a kid through artificial insemination.
After spending 14 years of her life dating women only, far longer than she ever dated guys, she is now in love with a guy. It's been 2 years since that previous breakup and she met a guy after about 4 months and just fell head over heels with him. The first and only guy she's ever been in love with or had significant amount of emotional attachment to like this, but she says she loves him every bit as much as she loved her previous girlfriend and they're talking marriage and another kid in the forseeable future. She wants to spend the rest of her life with him now.
People change, you will probably change. Maybe I will too (I doubt it, vaginas are just so much more fun to play with than penises) and you should worry less about nailing down a label for yourself and more about spending time with people you find attractive.
Also, in case you're that worried, coming out is a very personal thing. You get to choose when you do it, no one else. If you wanted to just date guys until college or something, that's fine too. You're young, you're not on a timetable to figure this out. Do what you need to do.
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Dragonfly you have some weird stereotypes about men and the gender roles you're kind of propping up are more than a little alarming. I understand there's a societal perception about men and the way we work but a ton of it is due more to miscommunication than anything else.
By continuing to pidgeonhole men into categories possessed of certain qualities that might or might not be their own (like the sensitive straight guy who is like a gay man except he doesn't act effeminate or want men) you deny those men (your husband included) agency in their own choices about who they want to be and how they want themselves to be perceived.
At the same time, you reinforce cultural attitudes which permit people to treat men like mindless emotionless automatons who are at the same time caring and providing father figures and Schrodinger's rapist.
Men are raised in our society to be sex seeking, closed off, and selfish. That doesn't mean all of us are, that just means that society continues to prop up ways of thinking which push men in these directions.
You telling a 16 year old girl that her lack of emotional attraction to men is somehow the fault of men rather than just simply an expression of her innate sexual identity doesn't help matters and you should take a long while to educate yourself before you speak on any gender related topic ever again.
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you may be gay, no shame in that, just try it out sometime, if you like it, stick to it.
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Honey thats perfectly normal. Many have heard of gay people but not as many have heard or learned about bi sexual people. there are a way greater number of bisexual females than there are bi men.
It is for the reasons you already mentioned, they feel like they can't trust men. It could come simply from how you've observed men in your life treating their wives, or perhaps past life experiences if you believe in that thing.
Some women have been hurt by men physically or emotionally in some way and turn to women because women don't have the physical strength to overpower and force them so they are safer. In a survey i read, that almost all of bi sexual women had been hurt or raped in their past.
In my life time, I have been to clubs where bi sexual women hang out with their husbands. In talking to them, I learned that he is the one and only man they learned to trust but they still dont trust other men. And they have fun dancing with and kissing other women and probably exchange numbers to meet with some of the women later for sex. In our male dominant society there are not going to be many men who fit your need. But if you want to find a guy, you will need patience, and enjoy females for now.
But here's a suggestion. I am married to a man who is i am guessing the type of guy you might connect to. Like a gay guy...he has all those characteristics of loving jewelry or anything beautiful that catches his creative artistic eye, he is very sensitive to emotions, supportive and caring and all the good stuff of a bestie girlfriend, just like a gay guy...except for one thing, he does not have the body mannerisms of a gay guy and his sex drive is wired for women only.
That is the kind of husbands these bi women had, the kind I have. I don't believe you are gay because you are able to look at a guy and see that he is hot.
At your age, guys are still learning and changing. I dont know how easy or hard it might be to find the type of guy i mentioned. If you're up to it, just start practicing trying to spot the guy who seems to be a little gay but you can't tell for sure and he does not hang out with a gay male. Talk to him and get to know more about him. Befriend, find out what kinds of things does he like, how does he act.
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From what little you written I really cannot say one way or the other if your Bi, straight or just what your sexual orientation may be. What I believe is you are 16, female going through what is normal for any 16 year old female when it comes to their sexuality.
Your teenage years is a time for you to explore life with a safety net. The safety net of having a home and parents to guide you. It is the time for you to learn about life and just who you are and where you place in this world will be.
I don't see being fearful of making an emotional attachment to boys at your age as being something to worry about. In fact I think it is probably better not to be emotionally attached to anyone at this age. As for sex; well depending on what you mean as long as it does not mean full intercourse, for which you are still to young, I don't see a problem there either.
There is also nothing wrong with being bi or being a lesbian. Whatever your sexual orientation turns out to be it is what you were meant to be. As for being a lesbian I think you would know by know as that is not something you become as it has been found being gay is how you are born. Being bi is different, that just may be something you develop a liking or need for. In any case you are correct that now at your age it is not something you want to share with friends or family.
All in all since I am old enough to be your grandfather and if you came to me for advice, which in a sense you have. I would tell you to relax and just enjoy who you are now. It is my belief from what you have written that you are a normal 16 year old girl going through normal confusion with her sexuality and feelings. Just relax and let life take its course and I believe things will sort themselves out for you.
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