|
How to get through the pain of being cheated on TWICE??
So I found out my boyfriend cheated on me after about a year and a half of us dating and I immediately broke up with him and took my space. Over the next few months he had done a lot to show his remorse and I really felt as though he understood the severity of what he had done and I loved him enough to try and work things out. We got back together and were together for another 8 months when I found out that he had cheated AGAIN with a different girl. Because of what he has done to me it makes it easy to walk away from someone so cruel but I am really struggling with how to move past the pain it has caused me. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this? I obviously have left him but I am now left with so much pain because of all the deception and the lies that I thought were true and genuine. How can someone tell you to your face that he could never put you through the same pain again and never cheat again when its all lies? He sent me messages the day after I left him telling me how we are meant to be together and how I am the love of his life. Is this just blatant manipulation or do you think he really believes the words he says?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Alright.
First off, serial cheaters do so because they have problems of their own. Some need that can't be met by their relationships that they go outside of them to find.
This guy sounds like a serial cheater. When he apologized, when he promised he would never do it again, he probably meant it. He just wasn't up to keeping his promise. He probably should see a therapist about that at some point.
Usually it's tied up in "This girl wants me and it makes me feel good about myself that this new person wants me, so I'm going to be with her and feel wanted" and that really has nothing to do with you. You couldn't satisfy that need because you already wanted him. One person wanting him isn't enough simply because he doesn't value himself enough and needs other people to do it for him. His need to feel wanted by anyone and everyone is more immediate and demanding than his need to keep his promises.
Just try to keep in mind that it's not that you failed, it's not that he didn't care, it's that he's just kinda broken and is undatable until he figures that out for himself, cares about it enough to fix it, and then acts to actually fix it.
Last, the practical side of this.
Occupy yourself. Read books, play games, get into a new show, go out with friends. Sometimes what you need is distance. You get distance by not letting yourself wallow.
It's going to hurt. To some degree, you have to let it. You have to let yourself grieve the loss. You can't run from it and escape all the time. It's not about escaping the pain. It's about not letting it have mastery over you. You cry and then you dry your tears and go live your life. Then you get some sleep, wake up, and do it the next day. As time goes on, it hurts less and less, until one day you wake up and realize you're over it.
]
In my opinion, I'm really not sure if it's manipulation because I don't know him. I don't think he believes what he says. If he believed them, he obviously wouldn't have cheated twice. But maybe not full blown manipulation, maybe he thinks that if he says the same things again, you'll give him another chance.
So as to get through the pain, well that's tough and it will take a long time. I've never personally gone through the experience but I've known plenty who have. Even being cheated on once hurts but twice, you take it hard because you feel like you should have known.
So firstly, don't take it so hard on yourself. A lot of people start being angry with themselves because they trusted. And that will end up leading to never trusting anyone again because of a mistake with the wrong guy.
Forgive yourself and forget him.
I think what really helps, is grieving and then preoccupying yourself. Go out with friends, find new activities or hobbies, try new things. This is the best time to find time for you and do things to make you and only you happy without worrying about a guy.
Also, lose all contact with him. He'll definitely realize what a huge mistake he made when he sees that you deleted him from Facebook and delete his number. It's good for you too, it will make it easier for you to move on.
Girls will hang on to their ex and wait for their text or look at their profile and they become one of the girls who never move on.
This will obviously take time, you cared about him and gave him your heart. Let time go by and eventually you'll move on and the pain won't kill you every time you think about it.
]
Then I don't know why you're even asking for advice...do it by yourself....
]
I have a variation of the well known saying, "Like attracts like." That saying is a cop out, not thinking in a broader sense. I believe, "We attract into our lives what we need to experience to learn and grow." You've heard of people who get married and divorced 6,7,8 times so obviously the cycle repeats because there is something they must learn. It is much the same as not passing a grade level in school because you did not learn what you needed to be able to move on without repeating.
Notice I did not answer if I think he believes what he is saying. It does not matter. He is just a tool being used in your life right now. It is good that you do not plan to go through this with him ever again. Perhaps that was your lesson to learn. I had a lesson to learn. 30 yrs with a verbally abusive husband who in the last 2 yrs was beginning to shove me as well. I had to love myself enough to leave that situation even though he would not grant a divorce.
I told you this so that you'd know I am not looking down at you...I know how hard it can be.
Look to your inner self and get to know the inner you. Your angels and the creator know what it is you need to get past and can tell you better than any other person. You know how it feels to have your conscience talking to you? It's much like that, soft thoughts in your mind, in your own voice but you will know it's not originating from within your own mind but recognize the wisdom and the love for you in those thoughts. I can not begin to guess what you must go through but in a BIG life lesson like my own, we do get tested once we have passed it, with another lesson like it so that as souls, we can know for sure within ourselves that we have learned, and are able to stand strong and not crumble in a weak moment.
That's You! You have been tested and you know you will not ever weaken and go back to someone like that. Perhaps the next lesson is forgiveness...for if he wasn't there to bring the hurt and deception into your life, it would have had to come from somewhere else. I am grateful I had the ex there so I could grow.
Maybe your next step is discovering how to become a better judge of character...I know I had to learn that. Decide to view this as an adventure.
Check out self help books that help point out character flaws in people and what the warning signs are. We don't automatically know this stuff, it needed to be studied at some point.
Write a list of things that describe who you are inside, not your hobbies, talents, vocation.
Example: I love being a mother, and gardening, but it's not gardening that defines who I am at core, it's what drives me to do those things...I am a nurturer. Once you have rediscovered you and what you are at core, it will be easier to comprise at list of what you are looking for in a man. Things that are not negotiable. They must be present in the man or you have no time for him.
With that, I wish you well. I know you have many blessings coming your way!
]
More Questions: |