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How can I stop being insecure? Should I hook up with this guy?
I'm 18 years old, and I work part-time after school. A few months ago, this new guy came in. He's a bit older than I am, and really funny and very cute, and I immediately took a liking to him.
I didn't think he'd ever be interested, but we started talking and he's asked to hook up. I have a few concerns;
1. He's in his 20s, and I feel like hooking up to him is sex. I don't feel comfortable going all the way with someone that I'm not even dating.
2. I like his personality, and I worry that getting physically intimate will cause me to develop feelings for him.
3. I gained a lot of weight recently. I'm just barely overweight, and you can't really tell how big I am in clothes. If I were to take anything off, I'm sure he'd notice some... trouble areas...
So, what should I do?
Thanks :)
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Hmm.
Yeah, hooking up probably means sex. It should mean sex. Damn it, when my generation invented the term before yours co-opted it that's what we meant.
Anyway, you don't have to go all the way because someone might expect it. Even if that's what he asked for, you seem to have missed the fact that dating is an active negotiation and interview process. What's on the table can change on either side at any time. Which means you have to talk to each other and figure it out.
Yeah, being physically intimate will probably cause you to develop feelings for him. You've described him as someone you're attracted to. Being intimate with someone you're attracted to generates feelings. Not all sex is intimate but intimate was your word so I think we both know that you know that if you had sex with this guy it would be intimate for you.
Ok, scratch all that, you've already got feelings for this guy.
The weight thing...
Guys don't do a point by point analysis and weigh the pros and cons of your naked body. If anything, we just find something we like and focus entirely on that. Or several somethings.
I dated a girl who had no ass. It was tragic, not even pancake ass, just like zero ass of any kind. I have more ass than her.
I didn't care. She had absolutely gorgeous, gravity defying breasts. I loved those breasts. I was proud to get to play with them.
I've dated girls with a cups, girls with almost no hips, girls with odd birthmarks. Every girl I've ever been with has been insecure about something and I could have cared less about it.
You have to keep in mind, you like men. Our bodies are pretty utilitarian. From that, we develop something of a practicality about how people look most of the time. I mean, look at the penis. It's the goofiest looking thing on the human body male or female. And we've all got one for people to see when we take our clothes off.
If a guy likes you and is attracted to you with your clothes on, barring horrific torture scars or a birthmark that looks exactly like his mother somewhere, he's going to like you with your clothes off too.
Oh, and last.
Just talk to him. He asked you to hook up. He's expressed attraction in some form. Tell him that you don't want to hook up, but that you like him and are attracted to him. That you would like to go out with him.
Just set your boundaries and stick to them. Let him know what you're ok with and what you aren't. If he's not interested, he's not interested. If he is, hey, maybe you'll have a boyfriend soon.
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I think you both want different things. He's interested in a casual thing because he asked you to hook up, not to go on a date. So he's not looking for a relationship or dating.
Hooking up does mean sex. If you ended up making out with him or something and then you told him to stop when he starts trying to go further, he'd probably stop but it'd get irritating and he wouldn't be interested to do it again.
This will get ten times worse if you develop feelings for him. Friends with benefits never work when feelings are involved.
As for your insecurity, if a guy judges you on how you look, he sucks and he really doesn't deserve you. You need to work on your insecurity separately so you can become more comfortable with yourself.
My advice would be to tell him that you don't mess around with guys you're not dating.
If he asks you out, then he's interested in you and will wait. (Or is just desperate to get some, but let's assume the best in the this guy)
If he just says, "Oh ok" and blows it off, then he's only after sex and he wasn't worth your time.
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Hi honey,
Okay so if he says he wants to "hook up," Yes that means he is interested in having casual sex with you. If you are in a place in your life where you want a relationship and you want more then that then DON'T SETTLE FOR WHAT YOU DON'T WANT! If your not comfortable with casual "hook up's" don't do it, you could end up traumatizing yourself. Just be honest with him and say thank you for the offer i'm flattered but i'm not really looking for that in my life right now.
If you have a feeling that you could develop feelings for him then definitely don't do it. I think it's obvious that the two of you want different things right now. Thats perfectly fine you can like him as a person and even have a secret crush on him. Just be honest and realistic with him and with yourself. You two want different things in terms of relationships right now. You're only 18 and you've got nothing to loose so you might as well look for what you want. There is someone out there that would be more then happy to take you on dates and give you the whole package so DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS!
In terms of your self confidence and body image i think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone has "problem areas." I eat healthy and exorcize and i still have parts of myself i wish looked different. If you feel like you could be healthier and that would make you happier then start making some changes in your diet and exorcize. Make sure you do it for yourself because you want to be happy. Any one that would judge you for having "problem areas," or being slightly over weight doesn't deserve to be having sex with you. You should demand respect and curtsy out of your sexual partners. Make sure they are people you trust and people that have proven themselves to be kind and respectful individuals. I understand how the thought of exposing your naked body could make you feel self conscious. Sexual intimacy is an extremely vulnerable situation. You should be engaging in it with people you feel safe with and people that you trust. If you are afraid of this guy judging you because you've put on a little weight thats probably a sign that you shouldn't be sexually intimate with him.
Bottom line, thank him for the offer tell him your flattered but your really not looking for casual sex right now. If he asks you why just say that your not comfortable with the idea. Tell him you need to date someone and develop a relationship with them before you feel comfortable having sex.
Good luck honey. Try to not be so hard on yourself. You and your body are in for a long journey together and things only change more and more as you age. Be healthy and take care of yourself because you care about yourself and your life.
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If you don't feel comfortable doing this, then don't. If you want to have a REAL relationship with him, tell him that and take it slow. He should understand that. If he doesn't, then he's not the perfect guy for you. Date him if he respects you and actully likes you. :)
Good luck,
-Christina
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Hello!
My fellow ally, I must be honest and admit that I face the same problem as you. However, I for one do not believe in empowering the make species and allowing them to alleviated my insecurities! We are women of the 21st century, we are independent and strong! Why let some guy dictate how you feel about yourself? If you do not feel comfortable about going all the way, then don't. If he really is all that good, he will wait for you like the reflect gentlemen. With respect to the weight issue, if hpyou do not feel good about your body size, then it is time to make a change in your lifestyle. We women do not need men to make us feel secure, we can look good and feel good on our own. Of course, having a relationship is nice, however just remember you do not have to sleep with him to measure to measure your self worth. You are better then that:)
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Why does everything have to be about sex? Just get to know him and take it slow. See if he is into YOU, not your body. "hooking up" a lot of times can mean sex yes, but do you really just want to be his booty call? Take it slow, Be his friend for awhile and get to know each other.
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