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Parents' Divorce-and I'm dragged in
I'm in my late 20's, and my parents are now recently separated and in the process of going through with a divorce. My mom has no boundaries with regard to keeping me out of the mess. She calls me and keeps trying to convince me to tell my dad to move back. I know very well that there's no way he will. I tell her that she cannot drag me into their mess, as it is between them two. She just calls and calls, telling me it's not right, that I need to talk to him, it'll affect her and our future, etc. I told her to respect my boundaries, but it seems to go through one ear and out the other. What can I do to make it clear to her that I want ZERO to do with their issues, and stop her from trying to drag me into it? What can I do to make sure that she will actually respect my boundaries?
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Unfortunately you have about as much chance of your mother respecting your boundaries as an ice cube does in a warm place. What you can do is one of the following.
If you have caller ID on your phone and voice mail or an answering machine. When your mother calls, let her calls go to voice mail or the answering machine or monitor the answering machine to make sure she is not in need of you for an illness or is hurt. Then decide if you When to call her back.
When you do speak to her if her call is anothe of those to pull you into taking her side or convincing your father to do what she wants. Say to her "mom I love you both but I will not be dragged into the middle of this." "I have other things to do right now so if there is nothing else I will have to call you back." Then disconnect from the call as fast as you can. You may have to do this a number of times before she gets the message that you are not going to listen to her.
If you mom has a sister or brother you can appeal to whoever you feel can best reason with her or if her parents are still living then you can also ask for their help. I would suggest asking your grandparents first if you can as no matter how old we get we still tend to listen to the advise we get from our parents.
I hope my advice helps for it is an unfortunate part of a divorce that the children do get drawn in. Fortunately you are older and mature enough to understand this is not your fight or any of your fault. That this is between your parents and you love them both regardless and want to be left out of it. Actually you should or could tell your mother just that if you have not already done so. Send it to her in an email as well so she sees it for hearing it may as you say go in one ear and out the other.
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unfortunately you can't force someone to respect your boundaries, you can only control your actions. If your mom calls you and begins discussing issues that make you uncomfortable, calmly tell her that you don't want to discuss it. If she pushes the matter you should tell her you are sorry she's upset, but she's not respecting you or your needs and then get off the phone- even if it means hanging up on her.
Does she have a sister you could call or a friend? Maybe letting someone else know that she needs a shoulder to cry on would give her an alternative outlet. You could also try writing her a supportive, but firm email that indicates that you love her, but refuse to discuss these matters any longer.
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