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Controlling Parents.. How do I deal with them?
I think my parents are slightly if not extremely controlling. I'm not going to brag, but I would say in all, I am a good kid. For reference, I'm 19 turning 20 in a month. My ethnic background is South Asian, and religious background of Islam/Muslim. I'm female.
I've never drunk, done drugs, smoked, had a bad group of friends, partied, broken the law or anything like that, or much less even dated. Personally for me, those things go against my core values, beliefs and they're not my cup of tea of "fun".
But regardless of that, my parents still restrict me in so many ways. My father gets suspicious if I say I want to go to the library to do my homework (I'm homeschooled) because I can't concentrate at home, and my dad tends to give off this negative vibe all the time. He never has anything positive or good to say about anything. I prefer to be in a positive and comforting environment.
And then he's even mentioned that if he wants, he can come follow me to the library to see what I'm really doing. He's mentioned that plenty of times whenever I've said that I want to go to the gym or anything like that. I don't think he actually has, but I wouldn't know.
Personally, I find that extremely offensive, degrading in a way, and disrespectful. He's basically implying that I'm frolicking about doing God-knows-what with Who-knows-who.
I hate having to lie to parents but I feel like I'm going to start to have to now to actually be able to do the things I enjoy doing in life, and start having a social life.
I told my parents I wanted to do the Spartan Race, which by the way is the most amazing obstacle course/fitness challenge. They said I couldn't, and they even yelled at me. Because "this isn't for girls" and that there are "boys there."
So I basically registered and am going to have to come up with a lie (that I'm still thinking of) so I can go to the race this summer.
Next week, I'm planning on going to another military training course called the "O course" as practice for the actual race, and of course, my parents will NOT let me go ever. I'm going to have to lie to them again. Which makes me feel guilty, sad, and goes against my beliefs because I'm a believer in honesty!!
Yet when I mention it to my Dad, and tell him that I am an adult and that I can do whatever I want (NOT that I'm even doing anything wrong to begin with) he starts going crazy and yells at me. And tells me to get out of his, and go live with my Mom.
Now, if I'm at my Mom's and try to explain to her the same thing, she'll go a little crazy maybe call me a bitch, and then give me the could shoulder.
Honestly, what do I do? I want to be respectful of my parents but still be able to live my OWN life.
I'm not able to move out yet, because I'm not financially able to support myself though I am thinking about it for the future. It's just.. I've wasted so much of my life.. doing NOTHING. Putting a leash on my passions, and what the things I love to do.
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Your heritage has you trapped between between a rock and a hard place, especially if you live in the USA. You say your 19 turning 20, your registration to this site shows you to be 13 which is confusing to those of us who can see this information. You may want to update this information.
In any case being 19 almost twenty if living in the USA you have certain rights for which your parents cannot infringe on. Your father cannot for instance follow you any place this is considered stalking. He can however ask you to leave his home for legally as an adult his responsibility to you as a parent is over. The rock and hard place example.
I do agree with you that lying to your parents is wrong. When you lie you actually have to write these lies down so you can remember them later if asked about them. The truth is always easier to remember.
As the previous writer has pointed out there are many places you can turn to for help. What I suggest is that you do so if you feel you need to. What I would like you to try before turning to these people and places for help is this.
Parents like yours have a hard time understanding they are not living in the old country. That some of their religious and beliefs, while of good moral value, run contrary to how society works here and in some cases can cause them to be charged with violations of the law.
As an adult you have a right to experience everything this country has to offer. He has raised you with a great set of values that will serve you well. You need to experience life as it is here. For here is where you are going to live, work and marry. Here is where you must exist and do so within the confines of our culture and your morales. You need to experience life as it is with him being there to support you not hinder you.
He may not like some of what this country allows though he has found away to exist within it and make a life for himself. He needs to allow you to do the same while he is here to help you and catch you if you fall. It will be much easier for you to do so in this manner with him here to help. If something where to happen to him tomorrow you would flounder trying to make your way in this world. As a parent it is his responsibility to help you adapt and make your way in the world.
You need to explain what I have just written in your own words. Words hopefully he will accept and understand. For it is a parent's responsibility to teach their children to make their way in this world as responsible adults.
By the way: Your father cannot force you into an arranged marriage in this country, it is illegal. Just for your information.
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You are a incredibly articulate and thoughtful young woman who any parent should be proud to have as their child. Yes, they are being unreasonable but it has to do with their fears and beliefs.
I would tell your parents that "I believe in the same things you do and hold them at the same level. Why would you distrust me now when I've never done any of the things you feel offensive or threatened by?"
You need a social life as does every teen or adult as it's not healthy not to. You likely cannot convince them as their beliefs are so ingrained and staunch.
Do you have a relative or someone who can level with your parents and tell them about all the wonderful opportunities they are depriving you of and that you need friends? You definitely need to go to school with people your age. And yes it does seem they want to control you and not allow you to think for yourself.
It's too bad you don't have a teacher or coach or someone that could say "Hey, your daughter is a really talented person at a lot of things and quite the athlete." Have that person explain that it's a co-ed competition and even if boys compete nothing untoward will happen to you.
Here's what I would do don't lie. That will cause worse problems than you have now. At your age you can legally see a doctor on your own for a checkup or any issue you have at all.
Go see a doctor or your own by yourself and tell them you know it's your right to say what you need to without parents knowing. Show him/her the post you wrote us, explain your heritage, and that you just can't be a kid and that it's psychologically messing you up.
They can give you advice and make sure you wind up at the competition by essentially making your parents look bad for their actions. Tell them you can't function and feel depressed.
In fact, you could walk into any hospital emergency room tell them you cannot function properly, feel depressed, and isolated and cannot have friends, etc. etc. or be normal due to parents and their beliefs and feel trapped.
Definitely, tell them that your father has threatened you in the past with following you everywhere you go to make sure you do what he wants. They'll intervene. Your parents can and should loosen up a little. As long as they see you're a good kid, can make sound decisions and believe the same religion than I just don't get it either.
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