|
I hate my BFF's husband
I hope you can help me with this.
I have been friends with my BFF for probably 16 years. She is my nephews mother. She used to be with my brother. He started abusing her and using drugs. It took her a long time to leave him. Even after they broke up I stuck with her she was the one that was wronged. She lived with me for a while until moving in with her mother. 4 years ago she met someone they got married. I was the moh in her wedding. We were the best of friends. We did everything together. I accepted her new husband. After a while there were things he would say or do that would piss me off but I kept my mouth shut. He's a very controlling person. There were several times he'd say rude things about our other friends and even their children. Again I kept my mouth shut. We decided almost a year ago to go to Florida together with our kids. As soon as we got there he started being an ass. Just being mean to us and it having to be his way. So while we were down there it was also my birthday. The day before we were at the resort clubhouse. The kids were swimming and my husband and gets were at the bar. I had bought tubes for the kids. I had my son she had hers and his nephew. So ok no biggie I don't mind paying the $7 each we are on vacation.
So we then all come together and eat. In the mean time my husband paid their $80 bar tab. So when we eat I get an order of fries my husband and son get wings. Total it was like $18. So when the bill comes we throw in $20. The next day is my birthday. Kerri and I decide we will go to magic kindom. Leave at 5 come home get dressed go out to eat for my birthday then go back to magic kingdom for fireworks. Well her husband yells why the F did we even come back. I say because that was our plan. So we are at a sushi place. The sushi I want comes as an appetizer. My husband the same and my son a meal. The rest of them all got meals as well. So the bill comes It was like $150. I put our $60 in and bobby her husband starts yelling and cursing this is bullshit you did this shit yesterday not paying. I was like add it up!! He still is cursing. I'm like ok what about the bar tab you left Jeff with or the tubes I bought for everyone. So at this point I'm crying. Kerri takes me to the bathroom. She's apologizing. Saying she doesn't know why he acts that way. We go on our way. The rest of the vacation was akward. One night I heard him yelling at her. So the day we are leaving we are stopping at the outlets. I've already been through a bottle of pepto my stomach was so upset by all of this. So I say you guys go to the outlets I'm going to Walgreens. So he was driving. He pulls up in front and we get out of the car kerri is standing in the van. I say bobby I'm taking the car to get pepto. He's just sitting there yelling get out get out. She says to him she's going to Walgreens. He is still cursing and takes off with the doors open and her standing. So I call my friend lorrie crying telling her what happened. I'm sitting on a bench. He walks by with her and my son and nephew. When he walks by he spit at me and it landed by my foot. I stand up walk away crying more,still on the phone, tell lorrie what happened and then my son runs up to me and says mommy bobby just spit on you. So I decide to get our luggage and take a cab to the airport. After that I have not spoken to him. I've seen him at different social settings but that's it. My friendship with kerri changed. We have hung out maybe 4 times since then and just text. We've always gone to Atlantic city once a year and go to concerts together but since then we haven't. So they announce Justin timberlake is going on tour. We have seen him 7 times its always been our thing to do. So the day before tickets go on sale she stops by and says bobby wants to go. I'm like ok have fun you can't expect me to be around him. And she's like I know what am I supposed to do? I say I don't know I'm not telling you to do anything but I'm hurt that the thing we've always done together we can't do anymore. How are we supposed to still go on with this already broken friendship. He has never apologized to me and my family. If he did we wouldn't be having this discussion now. She said he said he was going to but she told him not to. I find that hard to believe. So she left. He then texts me Kerri's upset I apologize. I say thank you hover it is hard for me to accept when it's so long overdue. You ruined my families vacation. So I then text her and say ok I'm willing to move forward and forget. If you want me to be around him I need to know what to do. If he makes ride comments about our friends or is just a dick. Do I keep it in and eventually blow up or do I say something right then and take the chance of you being mad at me. So a day goes by and I get a response from her saying I dk what to do. I told you I don't want to lose you. So here I've been crying all day night morning day and I get this text. I'm now upset that all of this time passes and I get a generic response. So here I am 3 1/2 days later. I've cried everyday now I'm feeling angry. I'm angry that she even asked me to go into that toxic situation with him. And I'm angry that he knew what him going was going to do to us and he doesn't care. She has no backbone and will never stand up to him. And I'm angry I've lost my friend. I don't know where to go from here? I am 33
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
No matter what you do or say. It is still HER relationshit. No matter how bad. It is not your place to get in it. You can advise her but that is about it. I understand you wanting to help her better her life... but there is really nothing you can do other than try to talk sense into her to a point. Once she has had enough of what toy have to say, Stop saying it. Otherwise she is out of your life forever. I'd suggest apologizing asap.
]
I wish I had the worlds greatest answer for you. If I did I would also know how to cure the common cold. But I can't and I don't.
The only suggestion I can make is to offer Kerri an alternate solution to the situation. That you want to maintain your friendship with her and as much as it hurts to say this you can not take being in a family or even just the four adults situation with her and her husband. I don't feel you have to go into the why of it, she already knows why.
What you offer instead is to maintain your friendship as a twosome. Just doing things as you did as when you were young. Leaving the husbands at home to care for the children. These things would include going to that concert, meeting for lunches, having a ladies night out and even a short vacation just the two of you in some exotic place where you both can relax and be the friends you have always been.
You are not the only person(s) with this situation. At local social events you try and keep your distance for her husband. But nothing says as a family the four of you and your children have to be joined at the hip.
There is nothing wrong with the two of you becoming a twosome again and enjoying each others company without husbands and children. There will be times though when you and she may want to take the children to the park, the pool or the beach without your husbands. Again there is nothing wrong with this.
The husbands can play golf or whatever else they might enjoy doing by themselves. I'm fairly certain your husband will understand. I'm not sure her husband will.
]
I understand it's difficult to loose a friend. It's entirely worthy of shedding some tears and grieving for.
But you need to recognize that she is entitled to place her relationship with her husband above her friendship with you - even if he doesn't deserve it.
You are right that his behavoir was horrible. You'd be entitled to refuse to be in his company again.
Those two facts mean your relationship will never, ever be exactly the same as before. You are going to see less of her.
You are going to have to build a different kind of friendship, probably one that doesn't involve your families, which means you wont see each other as much.
So, don't hang out with her and her husband. Even with some lame text apology I wouldn't choose to be in that man's company after the way he behaved, but also don't try to plan a getaway together while things are still raw and confused. If you want to be friends with her, you are going to have to make peace with the fact that she loves him and is going to take his feelings into consideration. If you both want to be friends, then start to figure out what they means now, rather than holding on to what it used to mean.
If you can accept that any friendship you have now will never be the same as before, and that she is going to make choices that you don't agree with, then maybe you can make something new work. See movies, have lunch, or go to local concerts just the two of you, and don't involve your family or children for a while.
And the next time she does something like has her husband come to a concert instead of you - remind yourself that it's her right to make those sorts of choices, and that if that you can't live with them, then you need to end the friendship. Continuing the friendship right now will need to include some respect for her choices and her marriage, even if you don't respect the man or want to be anywhere near him.
]
More Questions: |