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Sharing whole truths about a traumatic past situation
Hi,
I have a past situation that still bugs me from time to time & I would appreciate a non judgemental outsiders advice who can step into both shoes please.
There is a long story to this situation, over about 4 years long but the same question remains...Do I tell my partner the whole truth about the situation or continue with him knowing parts or most of the truth, leave it in the past, let it go & move on?
I have been with my partner for 10 years (with a few breaks in between). He was around when this went on & does know a lot about it yet there are parts that I blocked out, feared revealing, were too painful, regretted, was a different person at the time & or traumatised by. Needless to say, certain parts have come back or are clearer now.
I am not fully sure why it comes back to bug me except that it is a part of my past I am ashamed of, the whole truth of it has not been disclosed to anyone, fear of always being defined as the black sheep in the family, no one understands, will I now lose my partner, if I do tell will it really make me feel better & improve our relationship?
I realise this is a grey area & that is why I get so caught up in the whole thing. Do I tell or don't I? I have bit my lip a few times plus started to say more about it then stopped, changed the subject or brushed it off but I am also sick of swallowing it back down, feeling caught in the web, letting it affect my soul & have it return.
We try to tell each other everything. We are normally great communicators. He has been my rock & is a wonderful man. This is something that stops me feel honestly worthy of his love & I believe creates distance between us (from my part) that I do not want us to have. We are looking at getting engaged/married & starting a family soon.
Is it something I must get over & leave alone or it is to be fully shared in hope it does bring us closer after the possible tears & hurt?
Thanks in advance!
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Clearly this was a significant event. Would you allow me to enlist the help of an intellectual hero of mine, the brilliant Swiss psychologist Carl Jung in my reply? He recognised that an unresolved issue will keep continually forcing its way into our thoughts in an attempt to make us confront it and find a solution. Unresolved it becomes something akin to a time-bomb, always ticking away in the background with the potential to explode at any moment, without warning. Hiding away a bomb is of course not a good way to deal with it. We really need to defuse it, make it safe. It's natural enough to feel that sharing the secret is the solution. You hope that your partner will react with understanding and acceptance, of course. But I have to ask...have you really understood and accepted it YOURSELF yet? The 'blocking out' comments suggest to me that perhaps you have not? Now the final stage of defusing that bomb is acceptance. Self-acceptance. It's perhaps widely understood that resolving any traumatic experience involves this sequence. Shock-Denial-Anger-Grief-Acceptance. We cannot of course skip any phase completely. We must progress through each in turn, with acceptance the goal. It sounds like a nice easy path, perhaps over a few months...year at most? Surely we cannot get stuck in one or more of the interim phases for ten years or more can we? Sadly, yes we can. I would suggest then, that rather than hand your boyfriend a ticking bomb, start making it at least a little safer yourself first. And while you're fighting your own private demon here, try to focus on improving and deepening the bonds of your relationship day by day. Man lives only in the present and by nature tries to look forward with a little more hope than the facts would suggest he has any right to. You have no actual alternative to leaving the events themselves in the past have you? Good luck. When the disclosure, or the confidence to choose NOT to make them comes you'll know.
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In general, at least based on what little you have divulged, I agree with the other advisers. There is an old saying; "The truth will set you free."
I have a suspicion that I may know what your hiding. Though without actual confirmation from you I am hesitant to advise one way or the other. I understand your fear of not wanting to divulge to much in an open forum. You can if you want to write any of us in a private message that just one of us and the webmaster can view, telling us just what it is your hiding from your man. With this knowledge we can be direct in our answer to you.
From where I view this something 10 years in the past shouldn't be all that harmful as to ruin a relationship if revealed now. It is in the past. As you say your a different person now and so is your significant other. You are both more mature now then 10 years ago as well.
If you don't want to reveal to us what went on back then and do want a good answer or help with this decision. I would suggest a few sessions with therapist who is bound by law to confidentiality. In this way you can get everything out in the open, verbalized for you and the therapist to hear. Then the therapist can help you find the right answer to your question.
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That's a really tough situation. It is good to tell the truth. This will probably weigh you down unless you learn how to move on from it.
I'm assuming this part of whatever happened in the past would possibly hurt your relationship. What I think you should do is talk to someone about it. See a counselor and talk it out. Obviously what happened is really bothering you and it's still coming up in your mind.
I'm pretty sure even if you told your partner about it, it'll still come up in your head. So maybe you should try figuring out how to solve that problem.
You're looking to have a future with this man so I believe the relationship needs honesty.
It's your choice whether to tell him, it's probably a good idea to. But you already realize it might tear you two apart.
I think you should tell him, but also let him know that you're thinking of talking to someone to figure everything out (If you decide it's something you need to do) Tell him you love him and give him time if he needs it.
I hope everything goes well.
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Well I am a firm believer in "THE TRUTH" and if there is one thing I know from experience is that the truth will SET YOU FREE. I mean it! It actually will set you free.
Now that doesn't mean that the outcome will be good or bad. It just means that if you tell your partner, this weight that you have been carrying for these past years will be lifted. I don't know your situation, but one thing that I know from experience is that all things will work out for your good. So whatever happens, happens.
But this is still your decision.
I hope this helps.
~Andrew~
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From personal experience with this, I can tell you that at least in the situations I have been involved in, the distance created between you by this will eventually drive you apart.
From reading your question, it appears that in your heart you know things are headed for disaster if you leave them as they are.
While the final decision is yours, of course, please consider the consequences of continuing as you have been. There is a funny thing about situations like this: somehow, some way... the truth always comes out! You mention marriage and children, and I have just one question for you: Do you think it would be better to get this off your chest now, begin healing and not have the guilt and shame you are obviously experiencing... or do you think it would be better for him to find out after 10 years of marriage, 2 kids, etc... and know that no matter WHAT you do then to try and fix things, you will never, EVER be trusted again?
Which of these has the highest potential for ruining your relationship?
If this is eating you alive, then get it handled. The fear of something like this is almost always worse than the worst possible response from the other person. You wouldn't even believe the things I have been lied to about... only to have the truth come out in the 10th year of marriage. Matter of fact, if I told you what it was, you would probably feel better about revealing what you are concerned about now. Yes, it was that bad.
So, what now? Well, it sounds like he is the person for you, so it should be possible for you to just get it out there and tell him... but, if you just can't do it on your own, you can seek counseling so you can have someone else there when you reveal this.
I will warn you, that if you feel the counseling is the way to go, there is a high likelihood that he will wonder why you were afraid to just tell him. What, were you afraid for your life, so you needed someone there to protect you from him? Do you just not care that you are telling this to a stranger rather than sharing it with him privately? See where this could go?
I know that isn't your intent, but you have to understand things from his perspective as well, before you make that decision if you want the best results. Imagine what it would be like if he wanted to tell YOU something, and he hauled you in front of a complete stranger to tell you something life altering? Would you be humiliated? Same for him.
Anyway, all that aside. You know in your heart that this can't continue. It will either drive you apart without him ever knowing why, as it is doing now, or he will find out someday through someone else, and it will be the complete and total irreparable end of his trust for you.
Whereas telling him, once you have actually done it, even if it is hard for a while, will free you of this burden.
Worst case scenario, and from what you have said here, I HIGHLY doubt this:
You tell him, he can't take it and ends things.
The alternative? Waste 10 years of your life in a relationship that you know right this very minute is doomed if you keep on this way, and create a couple children who will be scarred for life by the breakup of their parents when dad finds out your secret.
Even if he decided he needed to clear his head for a bit, you two have been getting back together for YEARS despite the strain and distance created by this situation that is tearing you up inside for the whole time.
You may well be surprised how well he takes it. I have had it go both ways. Some secrets were brought out in the open willingly, and though she thought it would be the end of it all, it wasn't. In fact, I was horrified that she thought some of it was a big deal at all, and had felt the need to torture herself for years rather than let it out.
It was the ones that I found out on my own, all those years later that were the problem. Even then, I would have been willing to work through things... but she let her shame drive her to do something yet more life altering instead. I will leave that part there, but I just wanted to reassure you, that love is a mighty, MIGHTY thing, and what you may feel is insurmountable, isn't. If you two are truly in love, you can overcome anything... anything except betrayal and secret keeping. Everything else, love can overcome.
Trust me. :-)
I wish you all the best, and if there is anything we can do to help you, please don't hesitate to ask.
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