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Feel Unattractive
So I'm 17 and go to college in England.
I get very high grades and have lots of plans for the future in terms of career and stuff. I'm friendly with alot of people.
But everyday when I walk around college, I feel self consciouss. Like no one ever comments on how nice I look/dont look.I'm very thin and have thick brown hair (when all girls have straight hair)
I know that alot of girls try alot harder than me on their appearence, probably sacrificing their grades along the way.
How can I feel attractive in myself? Is there anything I should wear/do/say?
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Sometimes our insecurities can come from two different places, what people say and what people don't say. I find it that when people don't say anything you feel self conscious because you may feel no one likes you. First, you have to start liking and appreciating yourself better. The fact that you do well and school and have future plans speaks volumes about you. And you are friendly with a lot of people which is good. But if you are looking for reassurance than just look for it within yourself. Be comfortable with who you are and where you are going. There will be people that will tell you that you look good or even compliment you but that should never define you. Be confident with yourself. If you are always looking for compliments than you lose sight of more important and valuable things in your life. Your self-respect and dignity is never questioned when you are comfortable with yourself. Just enjoy your life and be happy with who you are because bigger and better things are yet to come.
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What do you want to wear/do/say?
Actually, let's start even before that.
You are defeating yourself before you even begin when you tell yourself that you can't be academically successful AND feel good about how you look. You are defeating yourself (and demeaning other women) when you make judgments about women you think look put together as being less academically successful than you.
Stop jumping to negative conclusions about others. If you wanted to learn how to dance, you'd pay attention and speak to people who know how to dance. Just like dancing, looking good and put together is a skill, even if biology helps some people more than others.
I’m being a bit harsh, but the reason I’m being harsh is because I recognize what you are doing. I did it too. I had to wait till I finished university to recognize that not only could both feel good about how I look AND be successful, but that in order to be as successful as possible I HAD TO look good.
Call it sexism, call it the beauty bias, call it whatever you want but it’s not evil and not something you can fight:
When you present an image of yourself to the world that is put-together, personal and deliberately designed to suit your goals, you get treated better, trusted more and you get more opportunities.
So if you want to take the first steps, I’d recommend this:
Dedicate yourself to keeping your nails and eyebrows well groomed.
You don’t need to paint your nails all the time, but remove chipped polish promptly, and clean your nails (including some filing to keep them even and tidy) almost as often as you do your teeth. Women are very lucky – these two little inexpensive things can give us a huge leap forward in looking put together.
Go through your wardrobe and determine things that shouldn’t be worn in public anymore.
As much as your finances will allow, get rid of all stained or torn clothing., no matter how small the problems are. If you aren't going to mend it, right away, chuck it. I LOVE comfy clothes and I get emotionally attached to my favorite clothing, so every year I have to go through my closet and say “Nope. As much as I love you, you are looking ratty and you no longer can be worn out and must be replaced.” It’s better to have less clothing and to have to do laundry more often, than to risk giving up and throw on something ratty in your morning rush.
Take a risk and be willing to pay for it.
Have a friend with mad makeup skills give you a tutorial, or go visit a pro and have them teach you how to use make up. Too many women never get taught, and stay intimidated by the tool and options. Be ready to invest some money into a few key things (a subtle lipstick and eye liner that flatters). You don’t need to paint yourself every day (or, ever), but you want to have the skills to give yourself that edge when you need it.
Pay attention, in a positive way, to those around you. You might find other things to start putting on your personal to do list, but I’ll tell you this much, even at the risk of sounding shallow:
Now, years after university, I feel better about being able to leave the house feeling prepared inside and out for my day of work, than I ever felt about nearly any A I ever got. No one asks me what my grades were in university, they ask me if I can do the job, and when I say yes, part of why they believe me (and part of why I believe myself!) is because I LOOK like I can do the job.
I'm not an overly attractive girl. (I also have a heap of thick brown hair and spent a few year carefully mastering easy, but impressive-looking, ways to pin it up) But I get compliments not because I'm particularly pretty, but because the way I look is the way I've clearly and actively chosen to look.
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You hit the nail on the head in your question: how do YOU feel attractive?
Everyone has something they do when they want to feel special. For example, if I'm having a low self esteem day, I put on some super shiny lip gloss and feel like a rock star. It doesn't necessarily make me any more attractive to others, but just putting in that little bit of effort makes me feel better.
What other people think doesn't matter, especially those who sacrifice grades to straighten their hair! You've got to find what makes you feel great, and don't just save it for special occasions. Unless it's a formal gown, in which case please do save it for special occasions :P
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