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Should I visit and give things to my incarcerated daughter
or is that too enabling or encouraging?
my 22 year old daughter is incarcerated for a year for fraud charges. I am unable to have much sympathy for her about this because she committed a crime even though I never told her it was OK to participate in illegal activities, embarrassed herself and her entire family, set a bad example for her younger sister, and this is her punishment and maybe it will be a good learning experience and toughen her up.
I wonder if I should visit her. I hear it may take a month to get visits. Is visiting also something that should be encouraged or is it seen as too enabling or encouraging to the person inside. I don't want to give anyone (especially her younger sibling) the idea I support criminal activity.
is there an account that she needs money on or something? Is it for necessities or for some luxury items? If only for luxury items I am not sure if I should send anything since I don't have the desire to make the stay all cushy for her.
anything else I should tell her? Maybe she can get some job inside or something?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Serving time in prison for breaking the law is punishment by society. To do this time without the love and support of a persons family makes it that much harder. Visitation does not mean you forgive them or approve of what they have done. What it says is she is still your daughter and that even though she broke the law she still has your love and you will be there for her when she is released.
To me there is a big difference between love and sympathy. There are many things my children can do for which I can be sympathetic. There are also many things they can do that will earn them no sympathy from me. I can think of nothing they may do that will cause them to lose my love and affection for them.
This is what I think you are struggling with. To give your daughter sympathy for breaking the law and being in jail; no. To in any way show her that she is no longer loved by you because of this is wrong. After all she is you child.
Most all jail or prisons have a commissary where prisoners can purchase things that the jail or prison doesn't provide. Things such as snacks, writing material and approved over the counter products. Funding for the commissary comes for funds earned by the prisoner for jobs performed in the jail or prison or deposits made to the prisoners accounts by friends and loved ones.
If you wish to make a deposit to your daughters commissary fund I would suggest you contact the jail officials for how to go about this. Here again doing so is not an act of sympathy. It is an act of love and kindness to make being in jail a little more tolerable for your loved one.
We are all capable of making mistakes. Hopefully the mistakes we make are of the kind that don't land us in jail or prison. Your daughter has made a mistake and is paying the penalty for it. Does this penalty also include losing your love and affection as well?
That is the question I believe you are asking and my answer is no. Right now she needs your love and affection to make it through a very rough time in her life. She needs your love and affection to come out of jail and chart a proper course so as never again to return to whatever caused her to commit the fraud that put her in jail. The choice is yours though if she was my daughter I would find a way to be there for her ever visiting day at the start of visiting hours and stay until I could not be allowed to stay any longer.
Explain this to your younger daughter and encourager her to write her older sister. I would even suggest that you consider bringing your younger daughter along on some visits young. There is nothing like visiting a jail or prison to cement reasons not to break the law. We do this with at risk kids to show them what will happen to then if they continue to follow in the footstep of older friends and relatives.
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Not visiting her sends an extremely negative message to your other daughter and the one in trouble. It sends the message that if someone screws up and lands in trouble that their parents bail on them. That's how it looks.
You can tell your younger daughter that her sister fouled up BIG TIME but as her mother and father that not visiting would be cruel and sending the wrong message that family isn't their to help in a crisis. Don't abandon her.
When you visit make sure you tell your daughter how disappointed and embarrassed you are but that you haven't turned your back on her. Let her know that once she gets out she needs to clean up her act and cut some people loose or she can't live with you. Try to find her that help and secure place when she's out.
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This is a tough question
I personally would visit but I wouldn't make it a luxury visit. I may give her a letter expressing my disappointment and wishes on how she will better herself for her and her family's sake. Express how you and her mother will not always be around and she needs to take responsibility as an adult and set better examples for herself. I would not bring any items as many things are restricted anyway, you also don't want her to think or expect if you ever visit her again. You can express your feelings without giving her sympathy. I would be expressing more disappointment if anything
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