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I don't think I can ever forgive my mom.
Today my mom came home at lunch angrier than a bull. That isn't really abnormal she usually has crazy mood swings about once a week and everybody who knows her thinks she has some sort of bipolar disorder. Today though she was just completely ridiculous and said some things I don't think I'll ever forget.
The first thing that really bothered me was that she brought up something I posted on facebook FOUR years ago. I posted a status about her driving her me crazy (which I think is normal for a very stressed honors student (freshman at the time) after a fight with their mom. He called her and told her that "I was saying very bad things about her on facebook" (he was 28 at the time). Of course she was very angry at the time she found out (which she had a right too) but come on it's 4 years later now...
Today she brought it up again and said "I'll never in my life forgive you for doing that! No normal child would ever do such a thing and I'm going to hate you for that forever!" I understand if she was talking about something I did today but like I said FOUR years ago a stupid facebook comment and she's never going to forgive me for it?! Isn't that a little out of line?
The second thing was when she said "The only reason I've kept you underneath my roof all of these years was because I knew if I didn't your father would take me back to court and try to take away my child support money!" That just hurt. She pretty much said she doesn't love me at all and that she's just using me for money.
The third thing she said was "I didn't sign up to take care of you for your entire life! I shouldn't have to do a damn thing for you ever again! You're 18 now and you've been out of school since June! You should have a job and be out of my house and you should have repaid me for everything I ever bought you for gifts by now! I want all of that money back. You owe me for every cent I've ever spent on you! I've had close to enough of this and I will throw you out on the street! You think I give a damn? You and your stupid f*cking friends that you text will all become homeless and I'll laugh at all of you! Every adult in the world hates all of you teenagers! That's why we're not giving you jobs! WE HATE YOU AND WE'RE LAUGHING AT YOU! YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE HOMELESS HAHAHAHA!"
Again I think that was totally out of line. It's not like I'm not looking for a job. I've filled out 300+ applications and walked door to door in plazas in my best formal attire in 100 degree heat looking for a job in the past month since I turned 18 (August 14th) and really? ALL of the adults in the world hate every single teenager? You're all just around to turn us away and laugh at us? I'm sure that's totally what you're all doing. (Sarcasm)
Later that day I went out on the porch to have silent time alone to just cry it out but she must have heard me because not 15 minutes later she walked out and I had my cellphone in my hand in the middle of sending a text to a friend who was making me laugh and she pointed at it and said "Because of that stupid thing we will never have a real mother daughter relationship!"
Idk why but those couple things really cut me more than anything she's ever said to me before.
I don't want to forgive her again and I don't think I can. I can never do anything right in her eyes. She hates everything I do and always tells me how much she hates me and how worthless she thinks I am. I don't get it because I have friends that all tell me how amazingly nice and funny they think I am and all of my teachers have always liked me and called me a sweetheart. I've volunteered with children and I'm a good kid. I'm still a virgin, I only dated once. I never did drugs or drank or partied. I've stayed in my entire life and tried to be good. I just don't think I can make myself like her again. I couldn't even make myself say I love you which I usually do every night before she goes to bed. I just feel so sick about her now. I want to just cry. She's the only person who's ever made me want to kill myself repeated times (though I've never self harmed and I would never actually do it I love life too much).
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Sounds like your mom is going through a very stressful time. I think she may feel like she is separated from you and this is really a tantrum she is going through to get your attention. Since your having a hard time finding a job have you thought about Job Corps? You can live there for 3 years, get a vocation, job training, and go to college. It's free, you might want to look into that. Now, look into personality disorder for your mom.
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Wow, your mother and my father should have been married as they really would have complemented each other. She sounds a lot like he was.
I have one question for you. Why are you not attending College or a Community College? As you are finding out there are not many jobs out there. At the moment it is an employers market. Why should they hirer a high school graduate when they can higher a college graduate for the same money they would pay a high school graduate? In the past it would cost them way more to hirer the college grad.
It does sound like mom is suffering from some form of depression. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression. Like my father you will not convince your mother she is ill. This is an illness that they have to admit to having before they will seek treatment for. Unfortunately like certain other illnesses such as alcoholism she will have to hit bottom before she will accept or seek help. Everyone's bottom is different so there is no telling when and where that might be.
I learned many years into my teenage years that the problem between me and my father was not of my doing but was because of me. Even though my parents were married for 3 years before I came along, I am what is known as a war baby or a baby resulting from the return of military from WWII. It seems I was not planned and my father blamed me for ruining his life as he had to go to work and support my mother and me rather than go to college. So from the time of my birth I guess I heard similar remarks as you have written.
Whatever is your mothers problem I doubt like me it is not something you ever did. She is blaming the facebook entry but it has to be something else. It may have to do with the divorce or a combination of things that have happened to her. As a child though you are the innocent party. One that blame can be heaped upon because you are to young to fight back.
The only advice I can give you for now is to try and develop a thicker skin. Keep reminding yourself it is not you, it is her.
I would also like you, if you are not attending college. To visit your local community college financial aid office. There are a number of grants and scholarships that they have access to that will help you get into the community college. For what the grants and scholarships won't cover they will help you apply for student loan for the rest of the money you need. Some colleges even have on campus housing. IF your does apply for it and move out of moms house.
An AA degree is better than just a high school diploma. Yes you may have a small debt to repay upon graduation but that debt is nothing compared to the income available to someone with a degree from an institution of higher learning.
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Wow. That sure is alot to handle for a young person as yourself, hell it's alot for anyone to handle!
You sound like a lovely person, respectable with strong morals, that's a rare thing these days and you should be proud of yourself!
And no, even though I'm not much older than you I'm sure that adults don't hate teenagers, I think it might be more something to do with the terrible economy all over the world! (haha)
You said you're mother often has mood swings, is she bipolar? or have some sort of mental illness? If so, it doesn't really "excuse" her behaviour but it might explain it better.
I can hardly blame you for struggling to forgive her after all of that, especially if she didn't apologise, perhaps wait until she is in a calmer mood and mention these things to her, tell her they hurt and see if she can justify herself or at the very least give you an honest sincere apology!
A mothers job is for a lifetime however, My own mother turns to my grandmother constantly for support, it's their job and their responsibility. It sounds to me like you'd be better off moving out when you can, not because your a drain on your mother but just to give you the freedom to breathe!
Best of luck with this :) x
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