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It's not "really" sexual harassment - so should I tell anyone?
I am a female, in my 20's, married, and work in a male-dominated profession. My job requires quite a bit of travel, and sometimes the jobs have long hours and are physically intense. This often leads to the crew having a few drinks at the end of the day. My husband has an extreme jealousy streak, and recently told me of all the men I work with, he is most jealous of my immediate supervisor. He (hubby) knows I love him, and he trusts me, but he doesn't trust the guys I work with. The last job, just myself and my supervisor were on the crew. After a few beers, we were calling it a night and heading to our respective rooms. My supervisor then asked me if he could kiss me! Shocked - I said NO and went straight to my room. I called my husband to tell him goodnight (like I always do), but I did not tell him what happened. The next morning my supervisor apologized, and we finished up the job, over the next few days, without any afterwork beers. I don't want to do jobs alone with my supervisor again. I don't want to go above his head and tell someone higher up what happened for fear they might make me file a sexual harassment claim.
How do I go about making sure we don't get scheduled alone together on a job again? Should I tell my husband what happened, and risk him wanting me to quit my job (or worse, alter my carrer plans in this very hard worked for and difficult to break into profession to something less male-dominated)?
Please Adivse!
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I'm with Razhie.
I realize your question is regarding your supervisor, not your husband, but both of these men are problematic.
I'll address your supervisor first: What he did in asking to kiss you was completely out of line, especially, I'm sure, knowing you were married. It's good that you said no, and good that he apologized. I don't think you necessarily have to go above his head and file a sexual harassment claim if you don't feel that it will be a problem again, or that it needs to be reported. I also encourage you to speak directly with your supervisor and let him know that what he did made you uncomfortable - ask him directly to add another person to your team, or if you're comfortable saying so, that you'd rather not work alone with him again. If he does not take your request seriously, or ignores it, then you have absolutely every right to go above his head and talk to someone who will listen to you.
Now to address your husband's behavior. No. Don't tell your husband, if there will be any consequences to your job. He doesn't need to know every detail of what happens at work, especially if his response will be to try to get you to quit, or change your career plans in any way.
Take a look at this: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If any of this behavior sounds familiar, start watching for more, or other kinds. Do NOT show him this image, even as a way to convince him that what he's doing or the way he's acting is wrong. If you do, he may choose more damaging, more subtle, more insidious methods of gaining control over you.
To put things in perspective, I were in your shoes with my current boyfriend, first, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him what happened - there would be no "consequences." Second, if I were to tell him what happened, his first concern would be that I would be stressed out by the events. He would also probably amazed at how unprofessional my supervisor was. As soon as he made sure I was okay, he'd probably find humor in the situation, and even say something like "I can't blame him, you're fun to kiss." He would say nothing about my job, or wanting me to quit, let alone change my very hard worked for and difficult to break into profession.
^ This is the response of someone secure and kind and loving.
If I were in your shoes with the last guy I dated, who was emotionally abusive, controlling and jealous, and then later physically abusive, I would be terrified to tell him for exactly the same reasons you are. If I told HIM what happened, he'd immediately fight with me about it, obsess over it, distrust me, distrust everyone I worked with, and eventually tell me that the only way he'd be happy would be for me to quit that job (and probably go into a different field. I'm going into psychology; you can imagine he didn't like that). I did actually wind up losing a job because of him. I almost deleted my advice column (I've been here since 2004) because of him, and it's only because of DangerNerd, an awesome site admin, that I didn't.
^This is the response of someone insecure, controlling, and abusive.
I know every situation is different, but do you see similarities? Your significant other has absolutely no right to control your career plans. The only person who does is you.
By the way, emotional abuse and controlling, manipulative behavior is just as dangerous as physical abuse. NONE of it is okay. I have firsthand experience with all of it. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. There's a reason we're called survivors.
If I don't hear from you again, I hope you open your eyes, I hope you're strong, and I hope you stick to your career plans.
Good luck.
Siren
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The answer Razhie gave you was good for as far as it went. She did not address the issue of you and your supervisor working alone together.
Depending on who makes up the work schedule you may be able to avoid filling a sexual harassment complaint. If someone other than your supervisor makes up the schedule then go to the scheduler and ask if it is possible not to schedule to work alone together.
The scheduler will probably ask why? You can try replying that something uncomfortable happened the last time you did. That you would just as soon let drop as it has been rectified but you would prefer you and he were not in that position again. You may have to further explain that nothing happened between you and him. It was just an awkward position you found yourself in and you would rather not be placed in again.
If the scheduler is a savvy person he/she will understand and if he/she is not wanting to force you to make more of the situation than you wish. The scheduler will do all that can be done not to schedule the two of you alone together.
You may though be requested to explain exactly what happened and if in the eyes of the scheduler this amounts to sexual harassment and is a violation of the companies sexual harassment policy. You will be asked to file a complaint.
Of course if the person that makes up the work schedule is your supervisor. Then you may have no choice but to go to HR and file a complaint.
Remember, that you are the victim here and did nothing wrong. Yes he apologized which is good. Still he placed you in an awkward position not just as coworkers, but as a supervisor and someone he supervises. This is not proper and if you were my wife and you told me I would be supportive of you filling a sexual harassment claim as what you said happened is to my mind sexual harassment.
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Normally, I believe in complete honesty between partners - or at least - an explicit agreement for less than complete honesty if that is what both partners want. But if you know your husbands reaction is going to be controlling and very close to abusive (and yes, if he thinks or intends to MAKE you quit or change your career - that's abuse) then I don't think you need to tell him.
What you might choose to do, is speak to your supervisor. He had the good sense to apologize. He had the good sense to not bring it up again. If you tell him that you don't want to go over his head, but are uncomfortable and would appreciate it if HE would do whatever he can to make sure you don't travel alone with him again. He'll likely feel he has to take your considerations into account.
I can't help but underline one thing I've read here though: Your supervisor was rude, and made a major error. He apologized, and corrected it. You don't seem to be afraid for you safety with him, you are afraid of your husband. Your husband appears to be controlling and fear of his reactions is dominating your life.
The man who frightens you, is the man whose behavoir is a larger problem.
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