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what do i do about the one i want to marry, he has terminal brain cancer
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and i would say we are perfect and plan on marriage after we are done with college. I love him to death but he is breaking me and it isnt his fault at all. He has terminal brain cancer and won't be cured. Only his parents and I know, not even his brothers because he just doesnt want anyone to treat him any different. I cant talk to anyone and wont, but its like im cutting myself off from reality because i can't handle the fact. Yesterday i guess you could say he died, but was brought right back. He fell unconcious with no pulse/heartbeat. What can I do about any of this, its like iv gone mute i dont even really talk around people anymore. What do i do about him too, my life is done if he dies. Any help on anything is highly appreciated, but no i will not go to a therapist. 18/f
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Wow, In all the years I've been doing this I thought I had seen all the tough questions. Yours though goes right to the top of the list.
First let me say I understand the pain your in an I an very proud of you for having the love and honesty to stick with him through this ordeal. Especially when knowing what the outcome is going to be. You should be very proud of yourself for there are few women your age or older who would stick by him like you are.
One suggestion I have that you can do that may bring him and you some comfort: is that you can still marry. Be it for an hour, a day or a however long it may be you will still be legally married. Whatever rules as to waiting periods for a license can and have been waved in circumstances like this you just need to ask that they be waived and why. Getting married may bring joy and comfort to him as well as yourself before he passes.
As for you both now and for after he is gone. Their is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. Seeing a therapist does not mean you are mentally ill. We all grieve in different ways. You have already started the process as you know the outcome you face. Seeing a therapist lets you talk it all out to someone that is independent of you and who will keep your confidence.
Grief counseling, which is what you need, helps you expel what your feeling without worry. You can say anything you want in any words you chose. You will not offend the counselor and you will feel better by getting your feeling out rather than holding them in.
Loosing someone close is never easy. Eventually we move on with are lives. A therapist can help you make the right choices as to when you are ready to move on. Many times we move on before we are ready and we make some wrong choices when we do so. Our defense systems are down and we get hurt. We seek comfort and mistake something else for that comfort.
This is the job of a qualified grief counselor to help you grief and to help you recover and make the right choices while recovering. We need to grieve in order to recover. We need to get our feeling out so they don't fester and poison us. This is what a grief therapist can do for you by being their to listen and to allow you to have someone to shout at, cry to and seek comfort from.
You are not mentally ill by seeking help from a grief therapist, in fact you are well balanced by doing so.
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Wow. Pretty heavy duty stuff. First, let me say, I feel for you. That is a hell of a lot of crap to heaped upon such a young woman. Frankly, it fucking sucks. But you know that, right? I want you to think about something really carefully.
Do you love this man enough to hunker down, get real brave, and see him through?
If you don't, then you need to move on. He is asserting that he needs normalcy. If you stay, but are fucked up, it is going to affect him on a daily basis. If you leave, it will hurt first, but he will recover and hopefully find some peace before he dies. However, if you truly love him, you need to stay.
Being with him is going to be really tough some times and equally as scary, but, you can make him the happiest he can possibly be in the time he has left. I think you should talk to your friends, family, or even strangers online about what you are dealing with. You seem really strong, but a person can only take so much and hold so much in.
I won't lie, and I have been through this personally, It is going to break your heart when he dies. But, I think you will find comfort in knowing you loved him with everything you had to give. And you really don't know how long that is.
You didn't mention how much time they estimate he has, but that is a good thing.
Sometimes doctors get stuff wrong and sometimes shit happens, you never know what the future holds. I think you should stay with him and love him like crazy, but at the same time, make sure other areas of your life are full. In the event you lose him, you will have support and other reasons to get up each day, which may be really hard for awhile.
A short time of laughter, happiness, romance, joy, and connection far out weigh a long wave of the mundane.
If you need to talk, contact me. Good luck:)
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What's wrong with visiting a therapist? If it helps do it. I encourage it as all the fear, pain, cutting yourself off from reality, isn't healthy. Someone has to show you how to deal with it and vent it.
There is no shame in seeing one at all and talking. You need that outlet. It's hard to think about death and grief but you will find in time that your life isn't done and that you'll go on with him in your heart. Would he want any different?
The problem here is that he wants things to be as normal as possible and for you not to grapple with these issues (yet) or all encompassing. He'd rather you dwell on positive stuff.
One positive idea I see that may make situations better and prolong life is to accelerate some of your plans and start doing some of the things you always dreamed of with him while you can and only dwell on that and take whatever life deals when it does and not before.
If you wanted to marry him than I say go about finding a minister at city hall and do a small ceremony a.s.a.p. and a celebration later, try for a child if that was a goal or do whatever you planned as much as possible each day you have. Above all do that and try to put the disease aside where it doesn't control everything you do or don't with him. Take the counselling as keeping this inside is not good for you now or in future.
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If you love this man and his permant issues don't affect your love for eachothr this is no need to leave him. If you love him and he loves you stay wth him and help him. It's tuff seeing the one we love in pain, but dont pull back. Just help him when he needs it. If he dies and you did everything to help him all that help will come to you one day. So stay and help. Contact me if you need anything darling :)
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