|
Finding out who my father is
After 19 years My mother told me who my real father was 2 weeks ago and then she told me that he dosnt know that im his child. He is married now with a child, and owns a store so when i go in there and see him he talks to me and thinks im his ex girlfriends daughter but he dosnt know im his daughter to. So i dont know what to do my mother said do not tell him but i want him to know, i want to get to know him better. Do i tell him im his daughter?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
its completely fucked up that your mother told you that, and then told you not to say anything. The worst thing you could do to me is ruin that man's marriage. Before you say anything to that man I would establish ideas:
-you want his confidence.
-you want him to know you'll secure the information -you have.
-you do not want your mother to be approached about
-this in case she's lying, and in the least to
-retain her confidence.
-it's between just you, and that man no one else
]
This is a tough question.
Just walking in there and saying hi I'm the daughter you never knew about is not to my mind the right way to approach this. If you know him to speak to him and feel you have a good enough relationship that you can talk to him about personal things; then you might try this approach.
You could tell him that your mom just told you who your father was. That you would like to contact your father but are uncertain how you would be accepted. Being that he knows you and that he knows your mom his advice would be valuable to you.
If he says he would like to help then. Then ask; do you think he would want to know he had fathered a child? If so should this child just knock on his door and say hi, I'm the daughter you never knew you had or would it be better to send him a letter and see how he responds?
Then let him speak. If he is as bright as I think he may be, he might just put one and one together and ask you if you are his daughter? If he does tell him that is what your mother has told you and you are willing to have a DNA paternity test if he wants. Your not looking for anything other than getting to know him as a parent. Your not gold digging.
If he say no I don't think that I want to know I fathered a child. Leave it at that, regardless of if he gives you a reason or not.
If he says yes I would like to know and I think the best way to tell me is.... Follow what he says.
Be prepared for rejection. He will not be rejecting you as much as he is rejecting your mom for not telling him when you were first conceived or born. He is rejecting the possibility that he even fathered a child. Give him time to think about it. Continue to shop there. He may in time come back to you with more questions.
]
I wouldn't tell him. Based on personal experience meeting biological parents rarely works out well. It's just a weird relationship that makes no sense. What I mean is this guy is your father so he's not in your age group so you won't have a lot in common and then he's not really your father because you don't actually know one another in a father daughter relationship so what do you have??? A friendship based really on nothing. I would chop it up as just a guy that once dated your mom. If I could go back I would have never met my biological father. I wish I never had. THis is often the case with meeting parents. No telling what negativity may come out of this. Anger towards your mom, guilt, resentment, and whole number of things you may not want to deal with at this point.
]
This is tough one
I wouldn't just go and drop the bomb on someone like that because you don't know how he is going to take it. One thing you really need should do is always prepare yourself for the worse.
It's almost like an adoptee finding their biological parents, You never really know what you are going to get. The man is married and has a child, You in his eyes basically came out of nowhere.
My advice: If you don't know the man personally, I would try and get to know him. What I mean is when you go to the store just try and be casual and friendly. Let him know there is something really important you need to talk to him about.
The worse case scenario is the guy could end up rejecting you, The man could end up demanding a DNA test which can be a costly process.To have a child you never knew about is shocking news to anyone. It's up too you on whether to let him know or not as everyone has the right to know who their parents are. However, Like I said always be prepared for what you might get. You may even get a big argument between him and your mother and his wife will not exactly be all happy and dandy either. As not many wife/husbands are going to take that their partner has a child that randomly came into their lives. If he decides to try and make it work just also know it could take years to build a bond with him.
This is just an example of a reaction I would have: If someone came out and told me I had a child 19 years later, I may be a bit shocked and I'm not sure I would take it so lightly. I would also probably demand a DNA test.....and on the other hand I would be ready for a big blow out with "Dad" and Mom.
]
More Questions: |