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Is this something that will come with time or should I end the relationship?
Hello!
This is going to be difficult to express in text but I have been in a relationship for the first time in 4 years. I am very excited and I think I am ready but have felt really unsure of things the past two weeks. My relationship began unfortunately as a hook up. After about two months of a nearly only physical relationship I told the girl I had developed feelings for her and requested we started a committed relationship. After a week of grappling with the concept she obliged.
We have now been in an exclusive relationship for around 2 months. One of my biggest issues is I feel like I am the only one who initiates conversation, intimacy, etc. I was originally alright with this because I thought it was expected for the man in the relationship to to action most of the time? When I say take action we live near each other and she has never just popped in to say hello or requested we "do" anything (dating, talking, etc).
I think the three biggest struggles for me have been trust, intimacy, and interest. One night I told her about a health problem I have. I am a semi professional athlete and it was something I was nervous about. About a week later I was drinking with her at her sisters birthday and dropped the I am falling in love with you comment into conversation. It was not something I was planning on doing/saying but it came out. After I said this she darted off to the bathroom with her sister and the next day told me how troubled she was that I was moving to fast and on a different level. She said she usually dumps people who do this "sort" of thing?
Another thing that troubled me is often when opportunities for intimate encounters arise she claims to be tired. I have brought this up and it troubled me. I would say in 7 days we might be intimate 2 times a week. 50% of the time she claims to be tired and doesn't sleep well with other people around so I have to leave. I am a man, I try not to be selfish and want an emotional connection with this girl but sort of believe physical intimacy is important. She never seems to want me from what I can tell from her body language, etc. It's odd because I feel like sexually she is comfortable since our relationship started as a "hook up".
I guess where this ends is I am at a loss for solutions. I went out on a wim and tried to suprise her at work today and gave her a necklace since its close to christmas. I put her necklace on her and asked her to close her eyes and told her why she is beautiful to me and how happy she makes me. Later tonight I saw her again shortly and nothing was mentioned of the previous encounter, not even so much as a "thanks". I really was nervous about giving her the necklace and wanted to be spontaneous and special. To be honest I am a little devastated.
Maybe I am trying to hard, I really weighed my options. I love her personality, charm, how outgoing she is, and just her pure eloquent beauty. But her lack of emotional commitment to me from what I can tell just seems to not be there. Is this something that will come with time or should I end the relationship? I will indeed try to communicate this with her, but am not sure how to approach it since I feel like commitment already scares her....
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It seems to me like you and her have switched roles. I would have thought this was a question coming from a female if you had not mentioned in the beginning you were a male. (sorry) She definitely has problems and you need to take your gift back from her and give it to someone who deserves it. You seem to have a lot of love to give and she just doesnt want it. Find someone who does....!!
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i think u should back off a bit.start thinking about other things(if u really want her)and let her come to you.but if shes not that important as in you dont love her move on cause shes not the right girl for you if she cant handle your attention.
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The problem with us men is that we are so into dominance and thus wanting to conquer problems that we sometimes keep at something long after it has become counterproductive.
She has some personal issues, and I think they are linked to a bad self image, that keeps her from fully emotionally committing to her partners. Deep down, she may feel that she doesn't deserve love and so she freaks out when someone says, "I love you" to her.
Listen, dude, it is not up to you to be her therapist. We are all alone in this world and we have to solve our own problems. She isn't in a place yet where she wants to confront her issues and so you are really wasting your time here. Moreover, continuing to pine after this girl when she isn't that emotionally and often sexually available to you makes you seem needy and clingy. So it is time you pull the plug on the relationship and find yourself a girl who will be willing to be present emotionally for you.
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You need to end it, before your feelings grow more and more. She is giving you the cold shoulder. I think she is dating you for the wrong reasons. She only wants something to do with you when its convient for her, and that isn't fair to you.
From what you said by the whole necklace thing, any REAL girlfriend would have loved that. If my boyfriend was to ever do that, I'd literally have to jump into his arms and tell him thank you with kisses. Thats why when you said her reaction wasn't anything major, not even a thank you; makes me believe she doesn't want to be with you. She probably just isn't sure how to let you go. Maybe she's keeping you around for her own personal pleasure. YOu need to end it now.
Let her know your intentions are different from hers, and you want someone who can give you the love and affection that you give her. A relationship takes TWO people not just one!
Good luck to you<3
If you need anything else, please do not heistate to inbox me!
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Her actions say she isn't interested in a relationship with you, She is ungrateful and clearly wants nothing more then a hook up. The real truth is not many hooks up generally work out unless you both are under the agreement of possibly forming a relationship same with friends with benefits.
You want a real relationship then you will have to find a real girl, This one obviously isn't very interested into making the relationship work. Also, One thing you seemed to have missed is that relationships should be 50/50 meaning that the communication level should me mutual and coming from both parties not just one. If I were in your shoes I would start getting the feeling that maybe you were used and move on....Of course giving someone a gift that wasn't much appreciated is devastating but maybe next time hold off on the exchange until you know that the relationship is going to work out for you. This one just seems like a waste of time
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