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I feel so much lesser than her and I've become completely lost.
This is going to be a long story, and I can't believe how I got to this point, but I feel like I have a huge metal problem on my hands.
I started dating my boyfriend last year. He was my first for everything of course, i lost my virginity to him, I opened up to him, told him I loved him. We're still dating to this day;
I remember myself last year, I was happy, random, confident, funny, always making people smile, I was the one giving everyone advice, inspiring everyone. I'm sure he was attracted to my personality,because I felt comfortable with myself.
I'm looking at myself and am finding that I've become completely lost, and on this website asking for some kind of help.
When we first met, I thought he was so handsome, and he was very artistic. Though I've always been confident on the surface, I was paranoid to be myself because I've always been shy with guys i'm into, and hated having my guard down. I liked to keep things light and fun, but every odd and crazy thing I said he didn't really respond to. This only made me try harder, and he did say some things and over time I felt successful in having conversation with him.
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This is very important : He said I reminded him of his ex (who was one of my good friends) But they technically didn't date. they dated for about 2 weeks and she wasn't into him, probably for the same reason as I stated above (he wasn't very..random..interesting..or whatever) **
When we met, he had 2 months until he went off to college to go to art school across the states. In those 2 months we had sex and were very close. Then, we broke up when he moved away.
Throughout the whole time he was across the country, he'd call me every night and we'd continue talking, opening up to each other (so technically,we considered it still dating. more like,on and off) and just becoming really good friends. Of course I wasn't over him,and when he was away I was in a state of deep depression.
He came back winter break, and we were more-so "friends with benefits". This ruined me more, but I would've rather been that than nothing (and I was also friends with his friends- so being together was kind of natural)
Then this time, he left without saying goodbye. I was heartbroken,but I still stayed strong, because I know this wasn't part of my mentality to break down- especially in front of my friends, though I know they could tell I was very much upset.
I finally regained my dignity and cut ties (unanswered phone calls, if there were even any at all).. until he came back this summer and we just "naturally" again, connected.
I told him off the bat that I didn't want to do the whole "benefit" thing again, and he said he wanted to "get to know" me more before we got into a relationship. I agreed, but needless to say that next week we were official again (A lot of my friends didn't approve).
(I'm trying to cut this as short as I can, I really hope you can stick through this!)
Then..some wave came over me. Slowly, I lost contact with all my friends. I became paranoid that I wasn't as good as his ex (my friend-- mind you I hadn't talked to her in awhile). And then his other ex (who is very also friends with his ex. Basically, the two ex's were best friends. They both broke up with him for the same reason)
So what I did was..become friends with his ex's this whole summer. Because I thought- if I hung around them, I'd be like them,and thus he'd like me more. But also- we did become really, really good friends because we were so alike! The catch, is - my boyfriend didn't know I was hanging out with them (he hated one of the girls). He doesn't know I was ever friends with them this whole summer. We went on crazy adventures, had amazing times.
He told me he loved me in the midst of the summer, and I fell more deeply for him and said I loved him as well(of course). Then, I started getting those feelings of ill confidence again. I felt like the ex he compared me to would always be better than me, and that's where I am now. I beat myself up about it from time to time, and I feel like I'm lesser of a person. This is clearly a confidence issue, and I'm afraid he's going just get bored of me because I'm not good enough.
I wish I could give every detail, because I feel like I'm in such a hole of psychotic behavior that I can't get out. I realize what I've done hasn't been normal or right or moral in anyway, and yet- I don't know how fix the way I feel anymore. I feel disconnected with reality, and different from who I used to be. I want to be back to who I was, and I feel like I'm close but something's stifling me. I love my boyfriend very much,and he's never done anything like what I've done (from what I've known). And he lights me up in ways no one else can. He knows more about me now than anyone in my life. Which is valuable, but makes me feel vulnerable. We still get along, but I don't know how to conquer this feeling.
I've cut contact with those two friends, and am trying to get myself back. But I need another perspective, if you have any advice I'd really appreciate it. I hope this wasn't too much torture to read :o thank you! so much
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Sounds like you need some anti-anxiety meds... (depending on your age) Go see a doctor and have a chat...
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snds like you know what to do (ur not friends with these girls anymore so you cant mimic them)slowly start being the real you again to get yourself out of the hole do some things and say what you feel is honestly YOU. a wee bit at a time.he probably does like you for you anyway cause nobodys that good an actor at being someone else.do it for yourself.
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This is crazy! I started reading your story and it sounds exactly like what I went through. I was compelled to answer this and maybe give you some input.
My friends always say that I was the same I was random, funny, happy, and that I could a smile on anyones face. I try to my positivity on others as well. My boyfriend said the first time he met me he was attracted to my confident but I also wasn't like the regular girls that he had dated.
My boyfriend was the same when I met him. He is handsome and funny he really makes me laugh. I have been through a lot of times where I thought I wasn't good enough because relationships with other guys never worked out. I would put my guard up and I still do sometimes with him. It happens to some of us because we are still afraid of getting hurt. My boyfriend and I share a humor that no one else understands. I mean we can find humor in one word and make a huge deal about it and a bunch of people will stare at us funny. The point is we like to laugh to together and we have fun with each. Do you have fun with each other and make each other laugh?
My boyfriend said I reminded him of a girl he once hooked up with. That doesn't mean I'm her though. He also went out with one of my friends awhile ago and its not something I'm threatened by. You have to understand there is a reason why he's with you. There's something special about you that sets you form the other girls. If he really wanted to be with another girl or his ex than he'd be with them. The point is he's with you and that's because he cares for you and wants to be with you.
My boyfriend and I went back and forth the first time it didn't work out because of our schedules it was hard. I never stopped thinking about him. Sometimes its not the right time for relationships and sometimes its works out in the end. I am a firm believer in fate and I believe things happen for a reason. I never understood 'on and off' dating until this relationship that I'm in now. It can be hard we've had fights and we didn't talk for months or at one point it didn't work and I walked away. This last time however, I walked away and regretted the decision I made. Not right away but I knew that I made a big mistake. I was broken, depressed, and hurt because I missed him so much. I can't imagine my life without my boyfriend I don't know what he'll be in the future he maybe my husband or maybe just a friend. Either way I know he belongs in my life. Sometimes decisions like that cause you to think about how much that person means to you and how all the small stuff isn't as important as we make it. Sometimes if it's meant to be it's meant to be. Why do your friends not like him? Have they got to know him? My friends are supportive of my relationship now, before they were protective because they didn't want me to get hurt. Sometimes friends can be over protective I'm sure if you're happy their happy.
You can't compare yourself to his ex. You are a different person and you have different beliefs, ideas, and thoughts. Stop comparing yourself to her because it's jsut going to make you go crazy. I compared myself to one of my boyfriend's exes and I'm nothing like her. I tortured myself for months that I would never be good enough. If anything I stopped and found myself seeing that I'm much better (not that it's a competition) and that I'm with him. As women we tend to compete with one another and in the end its a losing game. If you continue to think about hhow you don't compare to his ex you may drive yourself crazy and possibly lose him. Live in the present and think about what you have right now.
I haven't had the best experience with making friends with my boyfriend's ex its not the greatest thing. I guess if you can get a long cool. If the only common bond you have is your boyfriend (her ex) than it might not be the best idea. Also I wouldn't keep hanging out with her especially if your boyfriend isn't a big and if that's his ex. That's not the best idea.
I've changed a lot since I first dating my boyfriend. When I first met him I was very naive and blinded to a lot of things. Everyone changes no matter what you go through your ideas and thoughts will always change. You also learn from experiences and from people. I always believe that by meeting new people and making new friends I take away something or learn something from them that helps me better understand things in my life.
I think your just nervous and scared because you've never experienced that you have for your boyfriend with anyone else. That's okay. When I have a bad day or I'm under the weather, when I talk to my boyfriend an automatic smile goes on my face. He makes me laugh even if I feel like crap or I've been crying. My boyfriend has that affect on and if your boyfriend makes you happy then that's great. The fact that you and your boyfriend are best friends as well is great because you have a close connection to one another. It's great to hang out with a guy and not have all the pressure of a relationship, it's nice to be able to have a friendship as well. You need to have more confidence in yourself and start thinking positive. If you continue thinking you're not good enough or he wants to be with his ex then it'll happen. LIVE IN THE NOW! Enjoy the time you have with him now and appreciate the time you are spending with him now. The worrying isn't going to help the situation it's actually going to harm the situation.
Hang in there! I know it's hard I've been there and if you feel like you need to talk anytime please feel free to email me at ohthatgirl1987@yahoo.com and don't worry the other girl she's not with him you are! Keep your head up! :)
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I'm not being patronizing when I say this, so don't take it as that, but take a deep breath and relax.
First, you are obviously a good person. So you don't need to worry that you aren't. Unfortunately, because beauty is the main method for women to merchandise themselves to men they end up too often picking at themselves and accuse themselves of baseless things.
Yes, we all have self doubts. The curse of being smart is that we realize what the range of possibilities of behavior and knowledge out there is and we become in touch with how we may perceive ourselves as lacking in certain areas. You can't obsess on that. All you can do is be honest, ethical, reasonable and nice and then try to build on that throughout your life. You have totally overthought your perceived failings (and women very commonly do that) and that is why you are brooding on your self worth so much and running back to a guy with whom you had a relationship that was actually over years ago.
Moreover, one can only be oneself. Trying to be something we're not results in neurosis. So relax, learn to enjoy who you are, even with your perceived faults (we all have faults anyway; it's that damned imperfection of the human race thing) and determine what your agenda is for your life and pursue it. Don't let yourself be sabotaged by the agendas of others and be in control of your life. That is all you can do.
Finally, if that one guy liked you that much, there are at least ten others who would get in line to succeed him for a position by your side. That is just a fact. It isn't bullshit. Plus the better focus you have on who you are will make it easier for your mates to know who they are dealing with and so having a relationship with you will become much less difficult.
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Hello i just read ur post and thought i would be a help to you as i have been in a simmalar situation,though you will have to excuse my bad spelling. A similar thing happend to me it was about 2 or maybe 3 years ago , i fell in love with a guy i had been speaking to he took me out and we automaticly connected, everything was going fine and even though ther was alot of people who hated us being together for jelousy reason we pushed through evryting with eachother.He was my 1st for evrything my first love first sexual partner wich made evrything even more valuble, he made me happy & even coped with my weird & randmo personality ,i have allways been the type of girl to stand out but not like the attention so when we were together i was not realy used to the way he treated me then things changed.He went on holiday and promised he would call me at least 4 times out of the 2 weeks he was ther wich i was okay about but thought it wasn't enuf (being parranoid) .He was away for 4 days and i didnt get one phone call it broke my heart he told me not to ring or txt his phone because it was a contract phone and it would charge him so strate away i had no way of getting in contact with him cut a long story short i spoke to a girl he used to like a few actually just because they wer friends of mine but didnt ever date and they told me alot more about him than i thought i even new myself it was shocking it was like my boyfriend was not the person i thought he was. Basicly he planned to break up with me and thats another story , before i get carried away with my own story i would jus like to say to you i have compared myself to other girls alot and it hurts becuase im not the size 8 theese girls are i am a healthy 12 and i like it, but when you know the guy you love is attracted to a certain type you automaticly want to mold your self to be like them .I change my whole personality and appearance to plase him he didnt see the differnce ,i lost contact with all my close friends and basicly felt like i was on another planted(similar to you) i think people like us put ourselfes down to much and dont actually understand are own values, this guy you love or loved would of been a very lucky guy because he probly never had or will have the love and conection you 2 have, if you have not allready i would try talking just be yourself tell him everything you want and feel make sure he knows exactly what you feel , i tried this and unfortunatly for me he did not like the truth and we split up i relised i was better than that and even though i thought i would never find a guy like him , i have and now i value myself a lot more and i have the perfect boyfriend who loves me inside and out.i realy hope i helped sory i went on a wile, LF xxxx
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To be honest you really don't want a body like you see on those models. Those girls are not at all as healthy as they look. They are under weight, many are bulimic or anorexic. The are constantly starving themselves to maintain the figure VS wants for models. This is unhealthy and these girls are and will pay the price with their health later in life.
What you see in magazines and on television is done with lots of make-up. Both facial and body make-up. I Don't want to lead you wrong. Some of the girls seen last night were a little healthier than in years past. The real skinny ones are the ones you don't want to look like because they are the ones who are paying the price to look that way. Even the healthier ones work hard to maintain an acceptable figure and they too pay a price. It is really not worth it.
Boys that look at these women and say that is what a girl should look like are stupid. A girl can be sexy and not look like she hasn't had a good meal in ages.
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