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Feeling Guilty About Sex
I was raped about a year ago and I have slowly began to date.I feel like I have to do things with my boyfriend. He keeps saying things like "oh well when your ready", but he says it a lot, like if he says it enough I will change my mind. We do things, but I end up freaking out and feeling guilty about it afterwards. We attempted sex once,but I ended up shoving him away and curling up and crying. Any ideas on ways to help? Please I feel lost!!
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What happens is that you are associating sex with fear and violence and thus have developed an aversion to it. Perfectly normal reaction for not just rape victims, but for anyone who has experienced trauma.
The main thing is you need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him:
1. What happened specifically.
2. How you felt about it step by step.
This way, your boyfriend will have a clearer picture as to how you feel.
Now listen, there is no obligation on your part to have sex when you aren't ready for it. But you also need to reassure your boyfriend that you aren't punishing him for the act of another nor do you have a problem now with men in general.
What is complicating this is that you feel guilt about not giving your boyfriend, who seems to love you, what he wants because when one is in love one wants to give themselves totally to the other person. Well, you have no reason to feel guilty. Your boyfriend isn't you. You have to do what is right for your life since you are the only one who can live it.
Now how far do you go with him before you start getting the heebee jeebees? My advice there is that if sexual intercourse is too hard for you right now he would be fine with him using your hand on him. Or you guys can masturbate in front of each other. If you only want to kiss and be cuddled, that's fine, too, but that won't be enough for some guys. Tell him how far you WANT to go, not what you think he wants to hear because when you rebuff him again you will just confuse him.
Most importantly, don't blame yourself for what happened and don't think you're somehow dirty because of it. You are a victim. You didn't want the attack. The attacker is dirty and has the problem, not you.
Of course, I think you should see a therapist since they have the skills to help you through your trauma. Good luck.
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I have not been in the same situation as you, although it sounds so traumatizing. I'm so sorry that happened to you. When I was young, I had sex very early. I didn't want to, but the person I was with threatened me and forced it upon me. I gave him permission, so it wasn't really rape, but afterwards I felt so disgusting.
Three years later, I have the most caring, loving boyfriend. He is very patient with me. The first time we had sex, I pushed him away and cried and curled up just like you. He pulled me close and told me that I would be alright if we didn't have sex yet. He told me he truly loves me and he's here for me no matter what and he'll always be here. He was very comforting and our relationship is wonderful now. I suggest you sit down with your boyfriend and tell him that you aren't ready to do anything yet and he needs to be here. Don't rush into telling him about being sexually harassed until you're truly ready. He'll understand. Just be strong.
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My sincerest apologies for what has happened to you. No one should have to go through what has happened to you. From what you have written I have the feeling this is still are unresolved issue for you, in that you have not sought professional help to deal with.
There is an organization I would like you to call. The name of the organization RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They operate a 24/7 national hotline with trained volunteers to speak with you and help you find professional in your own neighborhood who can help you deal with what has happened. Their number is: 1-800-656-HOPE.
Rape is not a trauma you can deal with on your own. You cannot shove it to the back of your mind and say it doesn't bother me or it never happened. It did happened and it does and will bother you if not dealt with properly. One of the things that happens quite often you have already said; "I ended up shoving him away and curling up and crying." It can happen again even after you think you can be comfortable having sexual relations again. Something will happen, a smell, a sound, the way your lover touches you may trigger a memory.
Let's make something perfectly clear. YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE YOU TO BE RAPED. No women asks to be raped. Even if this was a date rape, the most common of rapes, YOU DID NOT ASK TO BE RAPEd. Your being raped is all on the man that raped you. Why am I telling you this. Because every women who has been raped feels they did something to cause them to be raped and this is just not true.
If you have not had professional help to properly deal with this trauma please, please call the people at RAINN. If you have had some help in the form of talk therapy then you need to go back into therapy for it is apparent to me you still have unresolved issues.
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I feel your pain. When I had sex with a guy after I was ALMOST raped, I felt so guilty. I felt nasty. I felt like a whore. I felt so so upset. I didn't know why. I shoved him away, and I just couldn't go through with it.
Does your boyfriend know about you almost getting raped? If he doesn't, than this may help with your sex life. The only way I could get over the crying and feeling guilty was I had to be the one to make the first move. I also felt a lot better when I talked to my mother about it. I literally came in 1 minute after I pushed my ex off, and went to my mom. I guess I felt better after she reassured me that for someone my age, its okay to have sex.
You just need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him how you feel. I think its because you were honestly not ready. There is no rush at all, with all that you have been through you have a right to wait as long as you want, doll! If your boyfriend really loves you, (which I'm sure he does) he will understand and will not rush you. You also need to tell him that when your ready you will tell him. And he needs to stop bringing it up, because it feels like he is rushing you.
I'm sure everything will work out, and I promise when you are ready, all this will stop. I promise!
Good Luck!
If you need anything else, or have any more questions that you didn't feel I answered enough, please don't heistate to inbox me.<3
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From my own experience, I have been a victim of this..and I know during sex with my ex..I would start to lose the feel to it..and I myself as well would shove him away..and curl up and cry..and that included crying during sex..that just made everything beyond pleasing, I haven't brought myself to talk to someone about it yet..and it took me nearly 2 years to start talking about it to close friends...and it took me 22 months to tell my mother about the experience.. It isn't an easy subject at all..
But from my own experience.. I feel I get that way because I feel lost and alone.. that I had something done to me, that has changed me and my outlook on men, relationships and sex. It takes a while to recover..if it's even fully possible to. Just take steps, try not having a sexual relationship right now..he understands I'm sure if you have told him about it..if he still brings it on on "when you're ready" maybe ask him not to say that anymore..and that you do not need the constant reminder, because the reminder just brings back the memories of the experience..work from there and see where that leads you.
If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to talk to me on AIM or some sort. :)
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