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My dad is cruel?
Okay, Im in my first year of college and I go full time. I'm going to be a Neonatal Nurse. I go from 8-4;; I got a job back in Sept 2010, and I got fired in June of 2011; My boyfriend currently lives with My parents and I; and I have to take him to work at 7pm and pick him up at 4:30 in the morning; (because he is saving up enough money to buy him a car, since his mother left him homeless&&he has nothing!) therefore no job will be flexible with my hours; my dad has always put me down. He's called me a mistake, worthless, ect.
Just yesterday, he wanted the new MW3, so having class the next day, and having to pick up my boyfirend at 4:30, I went and got it for him at Midnight. Sure he was happy he got it, but I dind't even get a thank you.
He told me today, that I'm not going to make it in life.
All I have ever wanted was to make him proud, and I feel like I failed him at a daughter. Everything I've ever done, I've done to try to make him proud of me. In high school, I got AB honor roll, and I even got a scholar ship into college. But even then he never said he was proud.
I told my mom about dad saying I'm not going to make it in life, and she just looked at me, didn't reassure me, or nothing. I cried, the only person who reassured me was my boyfriend.
I just feel so worthless, and such a burden. I've tried talkin to him, and nothing ever changes. Any advice?
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Buck up, I've been there and have the mental scares to prove it. Some parents just don't know how to be proud of their children's accomplishments. Sometimes the parents expect one thing and the child wants another.
My fathers way of showing his displeasure was not with words it was with the lack of words. I got the silent treatment until I apologized for whatever wrong he felt I committed or agreed with whatever we disagreed on. My mother was the peacemaker. She would, from my earliest childhood memories, get me to apologize.
Well the last time he pulled this act on me mom wasn't alive to make the peace and he went to his grave, some ten years later without us ever speaking again. I would not apologize for something I had no part in and in a five page letter I told him so. He wouldn't back down. Was I wrong, I don't know. But I have no regrets.
In the interim 9/11 happened. As a firefighter units from my jurisdiction in a surrounding county were dispatched to the Pentagon. Did he call to see if I or his grandson, also a firefighter were okay, no. My son and I were both involved in separate life threatening auto accidents, again no call. My son honor graduates his Paramedic class which would later allow him to save the life of an 18 month old child. For which he is awarded a fire department commendation. Did he call or write or in anyway congratulate his grandson, no. Why was he not speaking to his grandson. Because he was my son.
I write all this to show you that you are not alone. There are many parents who subject their children to what amounts to mental abuse they just don't know any better. Unlike me who waited 40 plus years to do something about it, you can do something about it a lot sooner.
First ignore him. You know you are better than what his is saying to you. You have a life plan for yourself that will allow you to support yourself comfortably and well above the medium income of this country. The average salary for and RN ranges from $60K to $80K depending on shift work and where you live. So finish school and get your Masters in Nursing. Nursing is and will be in high demand. With that degree you can go anywhere in this county and find a job.
Just keep telling yourself this is who he is and he doesn't know any better. You are a good person doing good things to better yourself. If you can do this when you finish school ant start your nursing career you can move out. I think then you may see a change in your father.
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Hi,
You are not worthless. You are working hard to become a nurse. Throughout your career you are going to help thousands of people and make a difference in a way that most people never will. At the same time you are going to great lengths to help and support your boyfriend, who has had a hard time in life. You where also working a job and earning your own money and the fact you are not at the moment is only because of your other commitments. And despite your dads cruel and unreasonable behaviour and bullying (because that's what I would call it) - you still strive to make him happy and proud and be a good daughter. I think all this makes you a remarkable person and your parents should be very proud of you. I don't know why your dad is acting like this. What I do know is that it is disgusting and totally unfair and unjustifiable. Sometimes people who are disappointed with the way their own life turned out and what they have achieved and what they are capable of take this frustration out on those close to them, especially if those people are capable and successful people. It sounds to me as if he has personal problems of one sort or another and is deflecting feelings from deep within himself on to you. I think for your own sake you've got to stop thinking of everything in terms of impressing and pleasing him. I know its hard but you have to start and try. Do things because you want to do them for yourself, because they make you happy, because you know they are the right thing to do - don't do them for the approval of your farther. Don't bottle your feelings up, talk to your boyfriend and your friends, their support is important. Try talking to your mum (sorry I'm British we say mum - your mom as you would say) again. Do it when your dad is not home. Go through a list of examples of things he has said. Explain how you feel. Ask her why she thinks he dose this and don't be scared to ask why she isn't supporting you. I would guess she is horrified by it deep down but doesn't feel able to stand up to him. She hopes if she ignores this it will stop and go away and probably tries to play down the seriousness in her own mind. Don't let her play it down, make her take notice of this and do something about it - you deserve her help. I am going to suggest talking to your dad too. Try and distance yourself from him a bit for now while you get things together a bit - what I mean is give yourself a bit of space from the situation and stop desperately trying to please him. But after a little while, if you feel able - then talk to him. Be calm but assertive and explain that you don't know why he is the way he is and says the things he says but that you know those things are not true and you know most dads would never act like this to their children. Suggest he has a think about why he does it and what sort of person this makes him. I know it's hard. All the things I've said to you are easy for me to say - not easy for you to do. But do try. You are obviously a very strong person. Don't ever feel worthless - you are most definitely not! Take care. Ashok
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Sometimes people we love say horrible things to us. In this situation, it might be because he just wants to hurt you, or maybe because it makes him feel powerful, or he might feel like he's failed at life and wants to make you think you will to make himself feel better. He could be incredibly unhappy or stressed as well, and be letting it out on you. Whatever the reason, it's never acceptable and it's so horrible to go through.
When someone you love says cruel things to you, it's damaging and sticks with you for the rest of your life. The thing is, you're absolutely not worthless. You're utterly priceless. I think deep down you know you are, and I think you also know that you'll never let yourself be anything less than amazing. A neonatal nurse? That's an amazing job. And if it's what you want to do and it makes you happy, then it's an incredible job. You know you can become one, and I think you can too. You just have to stay in school and keep working at it.
Your dad has no idea how wonderful you are, and I wish you didn't have to have such horrible things said to you. I don't know what to do about him, except leaving the house, but you can't do that yet because you and your boyfriend cannot afford your own property. If it's possible to move in somewhere, with friends or other family with little to no costs, then try that. But don't force yourself out of college and into homelessness.
Also, with your boyfriend, would it be possible for him to catch public transport? I know he's trying to save, but it might help you find some weekend or evening work which will give you some money to save for a rental property. There are also bank loans he should look into so that he can get the car sooner rather than later, but make sure he looks at how long it's going to take him to pay it off and how much will be going to it every week. You've got a lot on your plate and I know you're trying to help him out, but seriously one person can only do so much.
I wanted to comment on this to tell you that you are an amazing person and you are going to make it in life. When someone puts me down and says I can't do something or that I'm not good enough for something, I feel even more motivated to work hard and make something of myself. I know what it's like to grow up with a dad that says cruel things and makes me feel worthless, and to live in a pretty unloving household. But having these things made me want to be someone, and want to have a better life for my future family. Having the family I have has made me realise that when I grow up, I want to be a wonderful and loving mother for my children.
I worked my butt off for over a year and a half, and I'm now in one of the top Universities in the world. I have a distinction average which is 75% and above which will get me into the masters degree that I want to get into after University. I came from a poorer family and all of my University fees are coming out of my pocket. I work weekends and have at least one summer job every year, and every week I put away money into my savings account. I've also lost 14 kilos. Nothing is impossible, no matter who you are, where you came from or what your family is like. And no matter what anybody tells you, the only person in the world that decides how successful or how amazing you are is you. If you start telling yourself you're worthless, then you'll become it. But if you keep reminding yourself, even if it's so hard and so painful, that you are worthy of life, of being successful, and of being happy, then you will be.
p.s, if you feel like you're at breaking point and don't know where to go, talk to someone. Don't feel afraid or embarrassed about talking to a counsellor or psychologist, talking to someone about how you feel and problems you have is the healthiest and best thing for anyone to do. At your college there should be a free counselling service. Go to your student help desk or centre and ask them where to go. The student help desk is there exactly for that reason, to help you when you need any kind of help.
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