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16 girl wants to date a 20 year old man
Our 16 girl wants to date a 20 year old man who dropped out of High School, doesn't have a job, lives with his mother and is not very intelligent. Our girl is in middle college and gets straight A's.
This all started 3 weeks ago. She lied about his age and the nature of the relationship. One week in we discovered the truth and decided that we had to intervene. After speaking with both of them about how it was not only an immoral, but possibly illegal relationship, he was quick to point out the legal age of consent in our state is 16. We told them to wait until she's 18. He seemed rather upset, so the next day I went to his social network page where he had posted the following:
"me plus you equals violence, creepin up behind you I'm stalking you silent, dressed in all black I'm the nighttime assailant, grab you by the neck and stab you with my nine inch, knife, quick like, I end lifes, no strife, i mean i need just one swipe, and then I wipe, your existence away, I'm the evil son, so let me in to play." I also found older posts of murdering people and my favorite" My penis is a weapon".
Though her mother was with me on keeping them from dating, she is now thinking supervised visits is a better option to divert a possible Romeo/Juliette scenario after we discovered that there were over 1400 texts between them in 9 days. Her thinking is the more time they spend together, the more likely the girl will be to discover that the price charming is really a toad. I think a forced separation is in order complete with GPS activated on her cell phone so we know where she is at all times (she has a car).
I am very saddened by all of this because I had a close relationship with her. I have spent a long time explaining why dating him is a terrible idea and that we are really looking out for her and trying to protect her. Since I was the person who told them to stop, I am now the worst person in America. I know after a period of time she will someday be able to appreciate what I am doing, but for now she thinks I am mean and stupid. It would be helpful to be able to give her reason's on why dating a 20 year old man is not a great idea since my reasons have not resonated with her.
I am totally stumped on what to do in this situation and welcome some new ideas.
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Well you can't tell her 'no' in this situation because one you look like the bad guy and two you are pushing her more towards his way. You need to let her figure it out on her own. I know it sounds bad but sometimes that's the way to learn. I have a similar experience where I was 19 and there was this guy who was 24. I know the age is different but its similar because the guy I liked was 24 he lived with his parents, didn't go to school, drank heavily, and was pretty rude. I liked him so much and no matter what anyone said I only wanted to be with him. It wasn't until later when I realized myself that he wasn't right for me and he didn't treat me right.
The more and more you tell her 'no' the more and more she will rebel against your wishes. Don't say anything and maybe just maybe she'll realize who this guy really is and why he's not good for her.
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Teenagers! Especially girls my friend can be difficult. I understand your concern sir from the age and personality of the man your daughter is dating. I respect your understanding of the Romeo and Juliet curse and your decision to keep a close eye on your daughter just incase things to turn out not the way they expected.
I know this will hurt but the best way is to let your daughter figure it out for herself, the only way we learn is through personal experience and from the sound of things it will only be a matter of time before your daughter realizes what kind of man her boyfriend is.
When the time comes that she does realize, you have to stand by her and support her, ask her if she would like your help with him.
You are her father and what her to be happy and it is clearly your gut instinct that this man isn't going to do her any good. I have always believed that most parents have an additional sense when it comes to these matters.
Explain to her that it isn't so much his age that is the problem but the type of man he is. After all I am sure if the man was working and was responsible enough to tell you that your daughter his safe with him then things might be different but quite clearly he isn't that type of man.
I hope you can put things right with your daughter and that she comes to realize what the man is like sooner rather than later.
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You need to step up to the plate, You both are parents of a teenager. Stop giving in too her, Stop enabling her.
At 16 years old your daughter is minor, She is legally too young to be seeing someone who is 20 years old. This is pedophilia and illegal, As a parent YOU have say on who your daughter can and can't see. The basics of this whole problem is your daughter is a minor, She lives under your roof. You can be saddened that is perfectly reasonable but you cannot let that sadness get in the way of what is best for your daughter. This guy is a creep, He needs to date someone his own age and stay away from someone who is 4 years younger and just simply too young for him. Punishment comes to play if your daughter rebels against you and your wife. You need to tell this man to stay away from your daughter or you will have to file a complaint with the police. THAT is how you get this man to stay away, I would also tell him to stay off the property. If you also need to then get a restraining order against him. As a parent, Your duty is to protect your child not sit back and watch her be with someone who is too old for her. If this guy refuses to back off then you have a valid reason to file for harassment. Yes, Your daughter might be pissed off and resent you and your wife but in the end she will get over it.
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I agree with WingYang about what you should do in this situation. At 16 years old, you think that you know everything and unfortunately most could careless about what their parents have to say. She is at an age where she is rebelling, and if you tell her that she can't see him she will continue to see him behind his back.
The situation will only get worse, fighting about this with her will only strain her attitude towards you even more.
Back when my sister was 16 she started dating a guy, who was two years older than her, my parents weren't exactly big fans of his. However my dad knew that if he kept her away from him that she would eventually run away, Because of that he decided that the best way for her to realize what kind of a person he was, it took years but eventually she did. Hopefully your daughter is smarter than my sister was.
At age 26, ten years later, my sister regrets this relationship very much.
I do support the supervised visits idea at least until you get to know this guy a bit better, and know that he's not going to harm your daughter.
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This guy seems like he is potentially bad news. Not necessarily because of his age but in how you've described him. I'm with your wife on this one.
Your daughter has deceived you before about him. There is nothing to suggest she won't find ways around your rules and can end up completely rebelling against you - potentially to a seriously problematic degree.
You and your wife know this guy is bad news but she has to learn the lesson herself. In a few years she needs to make these decisions on her own and she has to make mistakes.
Supervised visits ensures you know where your daughter is and what she is doing with this man. It is a compromise: she can see him under your conditions. And at the slightest hint of trouble from him or his influence on her, the deal is off. Let her have her relationship with this man, and be there to advise and support if/when she needs it.
Chances are they aren't going to be together forever. See where this goes and give your daughter trust until she breaks it. Remain in control whilst compromising with her. Regularly communicate with your wife and daughter and get to know more of the man she is seeing.
The guy isn't good enough - you know it, your wife knows it. As your daughter matures, she will to. It seems like a phase. Regardless, stay on alert and ensure your daughter knows she can come to you with anything.
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