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She said "No" to moving in
My GF and I have been dating for about a year. Her apartment lease is about to be up so I asked her if she wanted to move in with me, but she said "no." She has lived with a BF in the past but it didn't work out. She's afraid of what my parents would think, plus she wants to do it right and maybe wait til we're married. She actually owned a house with her previous BF, how can she take that many steps back when she didn't "do it right" the first time. Not sure if that's the reason, but then I'm getting blamed for his actions.
She asked if I was disappointed, and I told her that I was, but didn't want to pressure her into something she wasn't ready for, and wanted her to be 100% committed to the idea before saying yes, so I would support her decision. But deep down I know it's not going to happen for another year or longer, and her not being able to commit to me is killing me inside.
On a side note, she told me that she was ready to be engaged at anytime, but I don't feel comfortable doing that for awhile. So I felt like moving in would show my committment to her even if I can't get a ring yet.
I don't know what to do or say to her about it now.
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My son was recently in the exact same position you find yourself in, the difference is the positions were reversed.
He once had a relationship that broke up where he lived with a girl and they were about to make the trip to the alter. This took him years to get over.
His most recent girlfriend wanted him to move out of his apartment and into her house. He said no for many of the same reasons your girlfriend said and a few that you have not written about.
He and this girlfriend have since split up for a number of reasons many of them the reason why my son would not give up his apartment. The primary reason for their splitting up was not because he didn't love her or didn't want to marry her, he did. It was over a difference in what each saw as the definition of commitment. She saw it as him being with her every minute he or she was not working.
He saw commitment and marriage more like what my wife and I have. We have our separate interests and shared interest. She felt this was not a proper marriage. Well ours has lasted over 40 years so we must be doing something right and our son just could not commit to her definition of togetherness.
What I'm trying to say is that something is missing between you and your girlfriend. It may be a wedding ring, as the security ring for her, or it may be something else. I think you two would benefit from pre-marriage counseling to find out what if anything is missing in your relationship.
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Honestly, you need to get over a lot of this. You are being hypocritical.
Do you think because you aren't ready to get engaged you are 'less committed' to her?
No. Of course you don't.
Why is it okay that you aren't ready to get engaged, but it's not okay that she isn't ready to move in with you?
Many people see the two things as being on equal ground as far as the level of commitment goes.
Don’t you think it’s a little offensive that that you are ready for a ‘lesser level of commitment’ of moving in together, but not marriage, at the same time as judging and blaming her for not being ‘committed enough’ to you because she would prefer marriage before moving in?
It’s okay to be disappointed.
It’s tough when you want one thing, but your partner sees it another way.
But you are crossing the line from being fairly disappointed, to being unfairly judgment and harsh.
She isn’t ‘punishing you’ for her ex. She is making choices she is comfortable with. They happen to be different choices than she made before. She changed her mind. She is allowed to do that.
It’s nasty to assume that she is so stupid that she doesn’t realize you are different human being than her ex. It’s judgemental to declare she isn’t committed to you, because she doesn’t feel ready to move in with you.
You are poisoning your relationship with that kind of judgment. If you honestly believe such not-nice things about her, then you probably shouldn’t be with her in the first place.
So what do you do now?
Well, try to do your best. Try not to assume she is being cruel to you. Try to assume that she is a wise, loving person who is making the best choices for herself.
This shouldn’t need to be a deal breaker, but maybe it is. Maybe you can’t be with her if you have such different ideas about timelines and what marriage and cohabitation mean. Maybe there is a lot more going on here you haven’t mentioned in your question.
But going on just your question here, you’ve got some personal work to do. She deserves more respect than your assumptions are offering her. Her decision not to move in with you warrants at least the same respect that your decision not to propose to her does, and you aren’t giving her that respect right now.
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I don't think that her refusing to sign an apartment lease has anything to do with her not wanting to be committed to you. She already suggested the idea of getting engaged to you, which to me would mean that this isn't an issue of commitment.
She thinks that moving in destroyed her last relationship, and she doesn't want to make the same mistake with you. Moving in together isn't a decision that you should try convince her to do, you'd be forcing her into it which would lead to resentment on her if anything was less than perfect.
Just accept the idea that she doesn't want to move in together, and don't take it as her not wanting to commit to you. Don't let this decision have an impact on your relationship with her.
Let her know that you still love her, and that you're okay with her decision. Good luck with this :).
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