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Masochist with Apathetic Parents...
Sixteen, female, from the United States.
I've known I've had a few "mental issues" for the past four years. I used to be one of the self-mutilating crowd, mainly because of a past boyfriend who was suicidal and tried to get me to go along with him. I used to be extremely angsty, whiny, all that shit. Luckily, I grew out of that side. However, the beatings I was giving myself didn't stop.
I've told my parents multiple times in the past that I had a weird thing for pain. They caught me cutting my wrists once, and my mother put on her caring face and tried to help me through it. She hired a therapist to talk to me about it, who honestly didn't help a single bit when it came to the self-mutilation thing, but was at least there to listen to everything else. The understanding and kindness lasted for about a week or so, then everything pretty much went back to normal.
My parents aren't horrible parents; they're just a little...uninvolved. My mom only talks about her life at work or with her side of the family, my dad doesn't talk much at all, and my sister's too young to understand much. The biggest attention I get from them is A., when I do something -really- good, or B. when I do something "horrible" (forgetting to wash dishes, making sarcastic comments, etc.), and they feel like screaming at me about it. In that kind of situation, they pretty much completely forget about my condition and start calling me worthless, stupid, over-dramatic, etc. To the point where I usually just storm out and take it out on myself downstairs. They have to know what I'm doing down in my room, they've seen the scars, and yet they pretty much ignore most of it when we have to interact again.
I feel better when I'm in pain. I've already realized this for a while now. When I'm hurting myself in any way, I'm not often doing it because I'm depressed. It distracts me, it keeps me clear-headed, and often, I enjoy the feeling. Kind of like listening to music or eating chocolate, only a little more...extreme. But sometimes, I really do fear that if I go too far or lose control, I'll end up hurting myself or someone I love.
I'm already slightly unstable enough as it is, because I had a -lot- of shit go down with a past boyfriend a few months ago; when he found I was hurting myself, he flat out yelled at me to stop it or else he would never see me again (although he ended up leaving me anyway a week later for another girl). That kind of sent me over the edge. Not the edge as in "I became depressed and sad and suicidal", but more of "I feel like burning something and laughing hysterically".
Anyways. I don't have anyone to talk to about this "problem"; all my friends think I'm kidding (literally, I've told them about six times in all seriousness and they sluffed it right off), and I don't have any family members that are close to me. I'm not hurting myself enough to make me (or, apparently, my parents) worry, but it is starting to interfere with my everyday life, and I know that things like this just escalate from there.
Advice, anyone? I would ask for internet hugs, too, but that might be asking too much. D:
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Here are some numbers I found and the reason I looked them up is because I think it can be helpful, if you have no one else to talk to presumably these are professionals. Its important to have support from others.
I use to self-mutilate when I was around your age. I know how it seems to make us feel better to do it. It is probably the hormones in our body that get released, the adrenaline, that we enjoy. It's like drugs, or alcohol as well, doing those things can make a person feel good in the moment. But it doesnt resolve ANYTHING!
This is a bad habit to develop. I would recommend that you help yourself change it into something more constructive. You sound like a very intelligent female, very caring. I get that sense from the way you write.
I'm sorry to hear that no one seems to be taking this very seriously. They probably dont know how to deal with it. I think it is really courageous of you to ask for help and to desire to want to change because you see for yourself that it is not helping.
Sounds like you could use some help dealing with your emotions better. It would also help to have a supportive environment, a security net around you, who understands what you are going through. There are online forums, I am here, there are those support numbers ( not sure how useful they will be, i just found them online).
It can be difficult to overcome addiction and to change patterns but it can be done...
A big internet hug... dont worry you will get though this.. Many many many people cut themselves and many people have uninvolved parents, perhaps by working with a therapist, a family therapist maybe even you can find a way to reconnect with your family and not resort to cutting for temporary relief, distraction from what is really bothering you and frustrating you !
I believe in you... and hope the best for you.
National Youth Crisis Hotline
1-800-448-4663
Adolescent Crisis Intervention & Counseling Nineline
1-800-999-9999
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It is possible that mom thinks that since you have seen a therapist that you are cured. I know from personal experience this is not so and I am a lot older than you or your parents.
Sometimes it takes seeing several different therapists until you find the one you can work with who can help you with the main problem you are experiencing. When I was involved in a serious life altering auto accident I went through 3 therapists until I found one I could trust and work with who could help me deal with my problem. You should think about telling mom you are not cured and would like to find another therapist.
As for the other things you have written about. Some of what you have written could or would be seen as a some what normal family life in today's world. Others might see what you have written as a form of child abuse.
What is most important is getting you the proper help to stop the cutting. There are two things I would like you to do for me.
First: I would like you to get a big thick rubber band and hang it loosely around your wrist. When you feel like cutting yourself snap the rubber band against your wrist instead until the need to cut is gone. The therapists call this alternative therapy. This could help you until proper help is found for you.
Second: Since you feel that there are no family or friends you can turn to then you can turn to your school for help. If there is a teacher you trust, go to him or her and ask for help. You can also go to the guidance office or the school principals office to ask for help. Every school has procedures in place to help a student such as yourself if and when you go to them and ask for help. By law they must take action and follow the procedures they have in place to help you.
There is also a third thing: If the first thing I asked of doesn't work and you feel like cutting yourself; please don't cut yourself. Instead pick up the phone and dial 911. Yes calling 911 will send the proper help to your home, or wherever you may be and neither mom or dad can send them away until the responders are sure you are safe and not in need of their help. If they feel, which I believe they will, that you need help, you will get that help as you are a minor and can be protected by the responders.
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.your parents have their own issues talk tosomeone you trust do things for you."the secret "movie helps 2
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We'll here is a hug for you c(^-^c)! The pain is depressing I know, I went through the same phase and I came out strong. No therapist is going to help you, they can only guide you through certain paths, you just need to know which path is right for you. I myself use to have parents yell at me and tell me things no child wishes to hear. The best way to overcome it is to quickly and effectively barricade yourself with something that will get your mind of the self mutilation, such as you said you loved listening to music. You need to help yourself by becoming yourself, but a better you. Help around the house, wash the dishes the moment your told, your parents are there to put you in the right path. Just listen to them and they will listen to you.
Create a way to counter-act the problem, create a time in the day to just be you! Feel the need to yell in a pillow at the top of your lungs if needed. The joy of hurting yourself will eventually become something worse, like you said, you might burn something or become mentally unstable, you need to ask yourself, is what your doing worth the risk to hurting others, it may not feel like it, but everyone will be effected if something terrible happened to you. You have the will power to change your life around, you just need to find the strength to pull it out and use it to make your life happy and joyful again.
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