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Easily Angered
So, I dated this guy for a few months but I've known him basically all my life. To put it simply, he's a horrible person. He loves to fight- I mean LOVES it. We didn't live in the same town so when he would go to parties on weekends without me (I had to work), he or his friends would call me saying I need to calm him down because he got into a fight literally EVERY WEEKEND. He would always instigate it, and he'd always win. He also was easily angered by me, and would call me a slut or accuse me of things I didn't do. So here's my problem: Although I broke up with him several months ago, I've noticed I have a horrible temper now. I think because I was always having to defend myself, or pretend I didn't care, or act like I was strong when I wasn't.. now I don't let anybody in. I don't know how to start caring more about the people around me. I used to think it was a good thing that I didn't take crap from people anymore, but now I'm starting to realize I've become cold and when somebody does something I don't like, I tell them. And when little things happen, I get way more heated than I should. How do I learn to calm down? And how do I learn to have better relationships with people?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Try and remember how you felt when his friends would contact you, and remember how much it hurt you when he verbally abused you. try and force yourself to go back to how things used to be and if that doesnt work maybe consult a therapist or talk to a family member about your issues
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Therapy
Abusive relationships are mentally damaging, They are even more damaging when you stay and put up with that crap. You were around his bullshit for too long and it eventually started to rub off on you.
Recognizing that you have a problem is a good start but seeing a therapist is even better they can help you learn to cope in a better way.
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See a therapist.
The mind does funny things. In your case, it developed practically an entirely separate you to deal with the shit your ex could throw your way. New coping mechanisms and reactions to things that probably wouldn't have set you off before, new approaches to confrontation you don't like (defensiveness, anger, etc).
Working that out is a long process. I'd say a professional would be far more able to help with that than anyone here. In the meantime, work on that self awareness so you can catch yourself. And apologize when you fuck up or get heated, admitting you're out of line to yourself and others gives you some incentive for greater control.
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You have made a good start by recognizing your behavior. The best advice I can offer is to take a purposeful approach to your relationships. Picture yourself as a calm, confident, caring person and picture how that kind of person interacts with others, then practice interacting with people that way. If you need help with what that looks like, observe other people who have those characteristics and emulate their behavior.
Talking to a therapist or a couselor would also be helpful as he or she can help you gain insight into the cognitive and emotional roots of your current state of mind. Coldness is a defense mechanism, for instance. Overreacting in anger is rooted in a sense of threat. If a person taps you on the shoulder you turn to see what they want. If your shoulder is sunburnt, you're likely to yell at them. The gesture is the same in both cases, but in the second case pain resulted in an angry outburst. When you overreact to little things, a very similar thing is happening; a relatively benign gesture, statement, or event touches something painful in you and you react to the pain. A counselor can help you sort through these things.
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think about how u would describe him, that he was mean and cold. Would you want other people describing you as THAT ? try to calm down a bit and say to your self you wont be that person
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