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All over me for 2 mths then suddenly, new girl?
I dated this guy for 2 months. We weren't official, but he told me he never liked anyone as much as he liked me (he's 18), never found a girl like me, lost hope in relationships until he met me, etc. He gave me every compliment in the book. We had really deep conversations I was never able to have with ANYONE else.
But, excuse the expression, I was out of his league, on many levels, but I still really enjoyed spending time with him: texted him all the time, hung out with him on a regular basis, etc.
6 weeks into our dating, he says he's not ready for a relationship. I'm obviously confused, because HE has been pursuing/wooing ME all this time -- I'm out of his league, remember, so this is SO STUPID of him, since he almost had me -- but I'm okay and we're still as close. Exactly 1 week later he says, "I was so stupid, I know what I want now, I want you." I think about it for a week and tell him for sure I don't want a relationship.
We were still pretty close that week. I saw him a few days after and he's still the same as always, flirty, clingy, "you look so beautiful," etc.
FIVE DAYS LATER: He's official with another girl on facebook, a girl he's been friends with all along.
It was a week before I found out. He wasn't talkative during that week, but not unfriendly.
As soon as I found out, I stopped texting him. It was a d!ck move. Not exactly to me, but definitely to the new girl. She doesn't know me and probably doesn't know he had this two-month-long enrapture with me. And I feel like what we had is just cheapened. I wasn't expecting him to get into a relationship this quickly. Like, we hung out one-on-one a lot and obviously we can't do that anymore. That pisses me off, because we were so close, as friends, and he said he wanted to continue being like that, but now its gone.
Sticky situation is, we're co-workers. I haven't replied to any of his texts and have no desire to. But I'm not sure how to act towards him in work. Pretend nothing happened and be normal?, but I don't think he deserves that. Or just be civil upon contact? Or ignore him?
And why/how do you think he got with that other girl so fast?? I just don't understand. I'm shocked. He was SO into me, he told me so all the time. He said I was the only one who ever made him happy and that he wanted to recreate a world with just me in it. Then... new girl? Wtf???
I miss him as my friend. But I feel like nothing can be the same now. What should I do? :(
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There are two problems here:
1. You had feelings for him. You wanted him as your boyfriend and he rebuffed you on that account and you amplified it by subsequently fending him off on that question, too. You need to take responsibility for doing that and acknowledge the consequences of it.
2. You are way too possessive. Look, you have to realize that when you said no to a relationship to him you gave him tacit permission to seek companionship elsewhere. His life shouldn't solely revolve around you and he is not there for the sake of your convenience.
He hasn't cheapened anything. You guys can still be really good friends (though I have to say that guys are most often "friends" with women when they want to get with them) if you are mature enough to adjust to the new reality (plus he may very well break up with the girlfriend and try to rekindle something with you, but only if you demonstrate you're still available). If not, and if it is going to interfere with your job then you need to seek new employment.
I would also suggest that you find yourself a boyfriend, which will make you feel a lot better. If he likes you then there are likely to be a lot of other guys who would. So put yourself out there and see where it leads.
I have to say, though, that situations like these is why I don't date coworkers. You might want to make a note of that for future reference.
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You need to get over it.
And nothing will be the same now - That was going to happen anyways after you told him you didn't want to be with him - you just hadn't noticed it yet.
Look - you both yanked each other around. You gave him as much confusion and drama as he gave you. You both treated the other rather poorly - probably neither of you meant to do it! You were both just confused about your feelings and what you wanted and it just happened! And after all that THIS was what was going to happen:
One of you was going to find someone you DID want a relationship with - and your friendship would have to change drastically and feelings were going to get hurt. This was inevitable.
It always hurts when someone you had a connection with find someone else. It's annoying if it happens in five days, or if it happens in five months. It always feels like a betrayal. It almost NEVER is an actual betrayal.
Your judgement of him here, all this assuming the worst of him, is unkind and unfair. You didn't want to be with him. He was never committed to you, or you to him. What he did wasn't a dick move. He didn't owe it to you to keep you perpetually up to date on his affections for others. You don't know how long he's felt this way about this girl, or how much she knows about your friendship with him (has it occurred to you she might know it all?). The very worst this guy did, is not confide in you as a friend about his interest in her. And since this question is how you reacted I'm not surprised he didn't feel he could talk to you about it! Your response here is very self involved and cruel. Instead of assuming he changed his mind and snagged someone awesome (the kind and friendly assumption to make) you assume he lied to you and betrayed you! (A very unkind assumption, and not one you have nearly enough information to start making - espcially if you refuse to talk to him about it now!)
It's okay to be hurt and annoyed, but you are taking it way too far with your judgment and anger. He didn't betray you. He changed his mind and he was perfectly entitled too.
You don't have to be his friend if you don't want too. It's okay to be unhappy and uncomfortable. But you have no right to be a bitch to him - it's clear from your question here that you have failed him as a friend at least almost as much as he has failed you. If you don't want to continue to the friendship, TELL him as much. (Remember, the only mistake he absolutely was not being honest with you, so be the bigger person and be honest with him). Tell him you are hurt and confused and don't want to be friends right now. Be polite and civil at work, and let your unjustified anger and severe judgement go.
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aw :( I'm so sorry, he definitely led you on I've had this happen to me twice before. But that is very smart of you to recognize his true persona and cut off contact.
It seems that although he did express some interest in you, he was uncertain and afraid. Especially since he had bad luck in the past. And because of that he kept you around because he felt "safe" with you (yet at the same time just wasn't that into you, so he checked out this other girl).
He kept you around by making feel great and fantastic about yourself. And like I said he felt safe with you. It's like if this girl had rejected him, then he would just use you as a fall back (which is not fair to you, you should be the only girl in his world.
So what I think you should do, if you are wandering why he did this then confront him and tell him how it made you feel. (only if the thought is annoying you. Otherwise move on, you deserve better.
If it was meant to happen then it would have happened. If a guy truly cares about you he would focus on you and on you only, and would not give up on you, AND is not vague (this is true 'cause I've read stories, and I have my guy who is like this. And at work, just ignore him. Treat him like a stranger, but don't be mean.
And good job for having empathy towards the other girl-you prob are a bit jealous-but you are keeping it classy by not lashing out.
good luck :)
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We as guys are interesting creatures as well as girls are.
I am pretty sure that he never really liked you in the first place. Here is how you should know: when he talks to you, does he talk about casual stuff instead of deep stuff? Obviously only casual, because hes not that connected to you yet, and therefore can willingly leave you anytime and not feel guilt.
Guys lie, girls lie. Hes an 18 year-old guy, hes not ready. i mean, who is? At 18? Dont get me wrong, there are some people who want a long relationship whent they are 13! But from what i hear, this guy isnt that. He sounds like a ladies man. So if he can get all the girls, why do you think he would stay with you? Out of all people.
And dont be jealous, because most likely, he will treat his new girlfriend just as bad as he treated you, maybe even worse. It sounds like this guys isnt worth it and you should worry about having options instead of attaching yourself to someone and getting hurt in the end. Just think of guys as casual things. Im not saying become a slut, but you know? Just dont take guys so seriously next time. You wont have to be serious until you are in your mid 20s or late 20s.
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