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Old Friend hates New Girlfriend
Okay here's the deal. I've been good friends with someone for a long while. Let's call this friend "Mr Red". We're fairly close and have been through quite a bit together. our friendship is still strong and tight, and we've got a lot in common, and many mutual friends.
A few months ago, I met someone, let's call her "Miss Blue", whom I am not involved with in a serious relationship. The circumstances of meeting her will be a little odd, so bear with me.
I first heard of her when Red was ranting about something she did. Apparently, Mr Red seriously dislikes her and wants nothing to do with Miss Blue. This is not new, and in fact.. the rest of the clique dislikes her as well. I've always been the person who really doesn't like to follow along with crowd decisions of that type.. since I used to be ostracized in grade school often. I remember what it feels like, so I try to give everyone a chance
When I actually met Miss Blue, it developed into an attraction, and now we're involved. Obviously, this has caused some rifts
To be clear, Miss Blue has never asked me to choose between her or them. None of the group including Mr Red has ever pressured me about my relationship with her. They accept it, and respect it, but most do not approve of it.
The biggest problem is that I am unable to include my significant other in my activities with them in most cases, since Mr Red is often around. Mr Red usually just refuses to hang out with me if she's already there, and leaves quickly if she shows up later.
Miss Blue is both hurt and upset by this behavior, and rightfully feels ostracized and left out. She feels very guilty that I need to take time out for her and away from Mr Red and the group. If I'm not caught up in something important, like just hanging out with the group, I often go see her.. which she feels guilty about me having to do.
She wants to be included, but also feels bad that I have to separate my time with her and them.
As for her and Red... she has tried multiple times to work things out with him, but he is simply stone faced about it. He's said in response every time that he doesn't believe her apologies and doesn't want to hear it. He wants her to leave him alone.
They have never been romantically involved.
My question is about how best to handle my place in this. Even with careful separation of my time between the two, she still feels terrible, and I feel like maybe I should be doing something more.
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ok, Mr.Red is not being a very good friend right know he shoul be supportive of you and love you no matter who you date that he doesn'y like, any way it's not his choice, so if miss red apologized then that is all that she can do because Mr.red is an A word that i refuse to use drop him, .... no dont' do that but just like make them work mr.red amd ms.blue work out their problems because it might end up either tearing you and her apart or you and him it all depends on who you love the most:0
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Dude, everybody has a different sensibility and so not everyone is going to get along. It can make things nettlesome at times, but one must just be resigned to that fact.
The question for you, then, is one of priorities. Is the relationship with Mr. Red more important to you, both in the short term and in the way of long term prospects, than the one with your girlfriend? Does she represent something of the forbidden fruit to you because of your mates' disapproval? Or is she something that you've always wanted and needed in your life? You have to make a decision as to who, then, you will prioritize. I must say I do feel for your lady.
I personally can't blame Mr. Red for his behavior toward her since people are what they are. So by making priorities you can send the message to your girlfriend that she is paramount in her life, which will make the sting of her being unpopular with your mates a little easier to swallow and just have occasional guys night out as a result. Certainly, if you get married, the guys night out will become more the rule than the exception anyway. It just depends on what you want out of your life.
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Actually, you've got to let this go, and you need to encourage Blue to get over it as well.
Red is behaving as well as he can - while remaining honest. He is not abusing her. It sounds like he isn’t even complaining to you or bashing her when she isn’t around. He is simply avoiding her presence. He is not saying "Don't bring her around me!" or pitching fits and making demands, he is simply removing himself when she does appear. He is standing up for himself without disrespecting either of you.
Although it's understandable that this upsets you and Blue, Red is actually behaving respectfully and honestly. He doesn’t like her. He is not prepared to pretend he does. That means maintaining a friendship with Red will mean it being separate from your time with Blue. This is not all that unusual.
Blue needs to let it go and stop torturing herself (and torturing you). It’s very sweet that you are so concerned with her feelings, but really, she’s needs to stop obsessing and fretting about it. Not everyone is going to like you or want to be near you. You don't win 'em all.
The only thing 'more' you can possibly do (unless you choose to end your friendship with Red) is confess to Red that although you respect his desire not to have anything to do with Blue, that you'd appreciate it if he could find it in himself to be respectful in large groups and stick around when there are plenty of other people to engage with. At the same time, you need to remind Blue to let it go, and stop pushing for a reconciliation that is obviously not going to happen.
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WOW, thats a crazy situation. First you need to ask yourself, is this girl your seeing (ms. blue) really important to you? Can you see you two really having a great relationship for a long time? If so, then you should talk to (Red) and let him know how important your girl is to you and if he is your friend he will try to get along with her and be "civil" when she is around and not make her feel uncomfortable. If this girl is that important to you then yes, you should be doing something about this. It also sounds like (Red) may be jealous that your girl is taking up time that he could be hanging out with you, but either way if red is your true friend and you let him know how important it is that you all hang out and feel comfortable around each other, then things should change. It all boils down to IF this girl is important enough for you to go through the trouble of trying to solve this issue. If she is, and RED knows this, then he will change his attitude if he's your real friend. Goodluck to you! -Christy
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