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Am I being unreasonable, or is it him?
To quickly summarize, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months. We live together and we're in our early twenties. I take care of him constantly, and help organize him as he has ADHD, and effectively play his therapist, and have to accept it when he prioritizes other things over my needs. I love him very much, and do not doubt how much he loves me, but certainly he is immature, and can be selfish. But thats not the point of my question. My birthday is on Saturday, we've been planning it and talking about it for weeks. He already gave me my present - he made a bench to store shoes under (he really wanted one. I expressed no interest in one, but maybe he thinks I wanted one too) so I have shown appreciation for that. He kept talking about planning the day for us, and I have a dinner set up with friends and him in the evening. He informs me yesterday, 3 days before my birthday that he hasnt gotten it taken care of at work after all and that he'll probably be working 1-9 on my birthday. I personally believe, as its a job like any other, that he could have switched shifts or gotten it off with relative ease, but clearly has not prioritized doing so. Also, he gets irritated if I show that I'm sad about it. He also wants to spend the rest of the week in on his computer, so I suppose we wont be celebrating any other day either. Am I allowed to feel as I do? After everything hes put me through lately I at least needed him to show some interest in making my birthday special... :(
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You're being this guy's mom. Stop it.
In fact, the best thing you could do is leave him because you are only going to be in for more frustration otherwise. It's not up to you to be another adult's caregiver. Find a man who is more congruent with what you need emotionally out of a relationship.
Plus it will be a wake up call for the guy to start getting his house in order. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.
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You're both being unreasonable.
He's being unreasonable because he gets mad at you for being upset that he puts himself in front of you consistently.
You're being unreasonable because you've basically told him over and over that it's okay for him to do that, then expecting him to behave differently.
Stop treating him like he's made of sugar. He won't melt or crumble. Stop playing therapist and stop playing mommy. Neither role is healthy when you're his girlfriend. Last I checked, having ADHD doesn't mean that you are medically required to get your own way all the time.
I know it's hard to step back and let a loved one fall a little bit. My fiance had to live with me through a terrible mental health crisis. But you know what? I only started to get better once he stopped rescuing me. Stop planning things for him. Stop organizing him. If he misses a shift, or an event or whatever, it's his fault and he'll learn to deal with it.
You have every right to be frustrated and upset. You didn't sign on in this relationship to be his mother. He should be treating you like his girlfriend, not his datebook. So start getting mad at him when he's a jerk. Start with this weekend. Let him know that things have got to change and set consequences if they don't. Yes, you may have to leave him. He has to learn that his behaviours have consequences. You haven't given him any yet. Start treating him like the adult he is, and I guarantee you he'll man up.
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You absolutely have the right to feel sad.
ADHD is a challenge, sure, but it doesn't effect a persons ability to show compassion and care for someone. He is being careless, and not listening to your feelings at all. It sounds like you are giving the relationship all of your effort and he isn't giving enough of his.
I would sit him down and have a talk with him. Turn the music, computer, and tv off and stare him in the eyes. Tell him that it HURTS you that he hasn't made an effort to make your birthday special. Let him know that the best gift would be to spend the day with him, and he isn't trying.
Express exactly how you feel, and tell him that CHANGE is the only way this relationship will work. If he doesn't make an effort, you won't either.
You say you act as his therapist. I don't think this is a smart move. If he isn't getting all the medical attention he needs (is he on drugs for his ADHD?) then your help won't solve everything, it will just put you in deeper. He can't lean on you, he has to stand on his own two feet.
Don't let love blind you to his problems. You can help him become independent and a caring partner, but you can't force him to do it.
Good luck,
-Abby
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I can't tell if you think the ADHD might be a factor here, or if you think he really has more control over the situation than he's taking credit for. Either way, you are hurt. I don't see anything bad about that. Its certainly annoying feel unappreciated by the one person you do the most for. But I'm not sure what can really be done about it. I'm a big talker, and I'm all for talking about our problems with other people, but you've already been talking about it to him and you say he gets annoyed when you get upset. Just based on what you're saying here, I don't know that having yet another talk about why you are hurt would help. He obviously doesn't want to hear it, for whatever reason. I think the best way to handle it, short of breaking up until he can get his act together, is to just move ahead with your own plans. Don't ask him, don't make a big deal. When he wants to know where you're going tell him you made plans to celebrate. Then go out with friends and enjoy yourself. When he realizes you are having fun without him he'll either get on board or get pissed and finally be ready to listen to you. It sucks, but don't wait around for him to show you he cares. Go enjoy yourself with your friends. Maybe when he realizes you're not going to be there do everything for him and with him every second, he'll want to make more of an effort to be there for you.
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