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Guilty feelings after sex...

Question Posted Wednesday May 4 2011, 6:14 am

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and we're in love and plan to get married. My problem is that sometimes I feel guilty after he and I have sex. During the sex, I feel great, but afterwards occasionally I have a small feeling of guilt. It doesn't happen often, but it bothers me. We have a wonderful relationship and our sex is completely consensual. In my mind I don't believe there's anything wrong with anything we do during sex. The feeling of guilt passes fairly quick but I'm curious to know if that's a normal feeling? Why would I feel guilty about having sex with someone I'm in love with? It just doesn't make sense to me. It says to put age and gender so, I'm female and I'll be 19 this month.

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Razhie answered Wednesday May 4 2011, 3:11 pm:
You've been given some great answers, but I'm going to toss out one situation that I don't think has been covered yet.

Every time I speak to my grandmother, she asks me when I'm going to give her 'great grand babies'.

Each time, I tell her the truth "I'm really not interested in being a mother right now Nana. I don't think I ever will be."

And I feel guilty. I feel guilty because as much I know it's the right choice for me, and it's good that I am honest with her, I also know that this answer disappoints and hurts her. She comes from a different generation and has different values than I do. She believes I won’t be truly happy, and secure in life, until I marry and have children.

I feel guilty, not because I am going against my own beliefs, but because I’m not able to reconcile my own desires and beliefs, with the beliefs and hopes of those whose opinions matter to me.

I agree with DN that when you feel guilt, it’s a good sign that your actions aren’t in line with your beliefs. However, you also have to seriously ask yourself what you believe, and where those beliefs are coming from. You may find your source of guilt and shame is coming, not from your own beliefs, but from the worries you have of what others may think or feel. This isn’t a wrong or awful thing to use to inform your choices. I suspect if I did want to have children, I might hurry up the process a bit to give my grandmother joy! It’s not wrong to consider the beliefs and hopes of those we care for when we are choosing actions. But in dealing with guilt, it’s important to know if it stems from something you want or believe for yourself, and or an outside source that you are allowing to influence you.

Then, you have to decide if that influence is acceptable or not. Personally, I think it would be completely acceptable for me to allow my grandmother’s desire to influence the timing of my having children. Of course, it’s not acceptable for me to allow her desires to influence whether I have children or not.

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adviceman49 answered Wednesday May 4 2011, 9:42 am:
Hi, I am old enough to be your grandfather and hopefully the wisdom of my age will be helpful.

You are the only one who truly knows the answer to this question. My best guess is that part of you, the subconscious part of you, is not truly consenting to sex or some sex act. To put it a little plainer part of you feels for whatever reasons what you have done is wrong.

You say this does not happen every time you have sex. When you do have sex and you feel guilty, is there anything that you two did differently than you may have done during a time when you didn't feel guilty afterward. If so then whatever that was is something you may not have fully consented too.

For someone my age I am fairly liberal in my views on sex. I feel as long as both parties are consenting and no one is really hurt by anything; then what happens in the privacy of once bedroom is neither weird or wrong. The operative word is CONSETING. There are also rules to sex. No MEANS NO; and stop MEANS STOP. At anytime if either party utters either of those two words you don't do something or you stop, regardless of how far along you are.

Example: Anal Sex; Some Women and men enjoy this. One or both of you consent to trying it. During anal penetration you find it to painful and yell no, stop. That means he just doesn't hold his position. It means he totally withdraws unless you have said differently. It doesn't mean he begs you to hold on he's almost there, he pulls out. The same goes for you if you are penetrating him.

My advise; think about the times you two have had sex and how you have felt afterward. Think about what was different about each time and single out the differences. Then think about how you really feel about what was different. When you single out that one act you may not be truly consenting do, but doing so because your afraid to say no, for whatever reason, you will have found your reason for your guilt.

When you do you need to talk with your boyfriend. Communication is also a very important part of your sex life together. I'm sure you boyfriend will understand.

A short story to finish as an example. I believe my wife has one of the most beautiful noses I have ever seen. While we dating and through our engagement, while we would make love, and I am a devout ass man, I would make love to her nose. Nibbling it and kissing her nose as I made love to her. It wasn't until we wee married that one night when we were making love my wife finally freaked out and told me should couldn't stand it any more and why.

Since that night; I have not touched her nose. On rare occasions and not While making love place, I will a gentle kiss on her nose to show my love for her.

Think about what I have written and you may find your answer. I hope I have helped.

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DangerNerd answered Wednesday May 4 2011, 7:01 am:
Hi there,

Guilt is only normal when you know you are doing something wrong according to your beliefs. Running with that idea, the following spring to mind:

Do you believe that sex should be within marriage? You guys aren't married, and that might cause guilt.

Do you love him, but also secretly know he is bad for you, or that this isn't the best relationship you could be in?

How about not being ready to have children, but know that birth control is iffy at best?

Have you had an abortion and are afraid you are going to put yourself back in that position by having sex?

Were you sexually abused at any point?

Do you feel ashamed of your body?

Did you lie to your parents about having sex? That would do it.

Lastly, I would ask you: Have you been 110% honest with your boyfriend about your sexual past? If not, or you know he hasn't been, then this can cause guilt, and with good reason.

Those are the things that spring to mind off hand. If it isn't anything it might be in your best interest to look into these feelings further.

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