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i'm emotionally unavailable because my emotions are too strong to reveal
I've been seeing this guy for about 3 months. I'm 20 and he's 25, so there's a bit of an age difference. He is also a college graduate and I'm not even in school right now. It's been going alright in that I really like him and I think he enjoys my company, in some way. The only thing is, i've been really shy from the beginning, basically. I'm so afraid to talk or to be myself, especially around someone whose opinion matters to me, especially around him.
Anyway, that just isn't cutting it for him. He's been silently pulling away, and I asked him why. He said that he doesn;t know me and he doesn't know my dreams or aspirations, he thinks I must be too laid-back to take hold of my life and go for it. He doesn't like my job. He wonders if we are too far apart in age, at different stages in our lives.
I answered him telling him basically that I'm afraid to open up, and that I haven't really felt comfortable around him (which is more about me than him) and probably a bunch of other stuff--I don't even want to read over what I said, it's too embarrassing.
He says that he wants to meet for coffee or something, but I'm afraid to. I don't want to face him. I feel pathetic, and I know that I can't hide it. I can't hide any of this anxiety anymore, but I don't want to put myself out there like that. I don't want him to know that i'm sad and alone and that I'm afraid of the world. I feel like i'm just feeling sorry for myself by telling him these things, and I worry that he pities me. I feel like this relationship will go nowhere because of my issues. Should I just face my fears and open up more about it? I really just want to say that this whole relationship doesn't feel right and that we should just move on, but i'd feel like a coward. I really just don't know what to do in this situation...part of me is angry at him for saying the things that he did.
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Wow! That is the problem with women: they overthink themselves into an emotional pretzel and it drives them and everyone around them crazy.
Here is what you do: throw out all the negative noise about yourself. You aren't a bad person. You just have little self esteem. You are questioning whether you deserve this guy. Yes you do. The question then comes as to how to get him.
He is a fully realized adult. Your brain will continue to develop for another five years while he is already there, so that will raise some conflicts. He has already been there done that and worn out the t-shirt while you are still exploring things. So then you have to learn to talk that language. He is also issuing you a wake up call as to bettering yourself. He is looking for someone with more spunk than you have shown so far.
So step back, make a plan for yourself. Get yourself ready for college and know what you want to do. Then tell him that. He can help you get over a lot of the psychological and fatigue issues that surround being a college student. That is a good thing. On the other hand, though, the conflict will be that the time for college will impinge on how much time you can spend together as a couple. That isn't a self worth issue, it is just a logistical one.
The irony in all this, though, is that your thinking will change a lot over the next five years. You may decide you no longer want that guy. You also have a need to see the world and learn more about yourself and expand your horizons. I recommend you live overseas for a while. And when you do, what will that mean for your relationship? The important issue as things now stand is your development as a person and perhaps relationships need to be put on the back burner as a result.
So think this through, but don't overthink it. Keep your perspective simple and keep moving forward.
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Honestly? I think you should meet up with him. Tell him you like him, and just explain to him that you're just nervous around people you like. I'd suggest talking to friends or something so you can start opening up, and maybe you'll be able to become a little happier with yourself. Just let the guy know you ARE interested, and you understand where he's coming from, but that you're trying to sort your life out. You're still young. I'm 19, and I don't even know what I want to do yet. It's not the end of the world. Hope this helps a bit! Goodluck and keep smiling! :)
~RF
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You aren't a good match.
He would like something to come naturally to you, that isn't coming naturally to you. You resent him for it.
You don't have the confidence in what does come naturally too, to stand up for yourself.
You aren't a good match. It's not all about age, it's about the people you are. You don't jive. You don't fit together.
You should get therapy and open up there. Your self-sabotage and low self esteem will get you into trouble. You are being a coward and you are letting your issues limit your life in a big way - but none of that means it's worth trying to date him - it's not. It just means you've got some work to do on yourself. That is a completely separate issue from the issue of you and him not being compatible.
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