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I HATE My Mother...Any advice?
16/f
Is it wrong to genuinely hate my mother?
I was adopted from birth and feel as if I've always felt neglected by my mother ever since I was little. From what I can remember, there's always been something kind of quarrel or discrepancy, and it's frustrating, because I used to try really hard to, as much as I hate her, acquire some approbative pride in me from her...
She's a bigot, self-righteous, narrow-minded, intensely judgmental, and has always more or less acted officiously toward everyone else besides my dad that yells at her, and once he yells at her, she'll start throwing things and slamming doors, cupboards, etc.
I know I'm not a five year old anymore, but it really bothers me, and whenever I visit home (I begged my parents to allow me to attend a boarding school), I just want to get away. She screams, and has fits. I go to therapy, and although I know I'd never act out so rashly, I find myself always at ends with this feeling of conflicting emotions. When she screams at me, I want to bash her face in, but act with a calm and understanding demeanor, which just makes her look like the child, and so, she just get's even more worked up...
I'm not sure what else I have to ask, but if anyone has any advice as to how I should deal with this, I'd greatly appreciate it. I don't want to grow up to become one of those resentful women who despise their mothers. My mother's an educated woman, but for some reason she just--she acts like a bitch.
Thanks
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First, I really and truly believe that you will not grow up to be a woman such as what you don't like about your mom. My father always held back on showing affection and was very intolerant of anything that wasn't his way and it was always extremely difficult to do anything right. Well I am a father of twin boys now, and I could not be more different than my father was as far as giving my boys all the love and validation that they can take. What I am saying is that we are not predestined to "become our parents ". Especially when the experiences of our childhood teach us what NOT to do. I have a strong feeling that you will grow into a wonderful woman and fantastic mom when the time comes. One last thought, from the very small snippet you gave, I would hazard to guess that your mother's problem is with your father and not so much you. It's not uncommon for a parent who can't resolve their anger with a spouse to take it out on others. It's not right, but it happens. Sometime, just sit down with her casually and ask her what's up (in general). Then just let her talk and ask questions that can be redirected to issues that you two are having. Don't press, just let it flow naturally. Most importantly, just listen. Most people just wanted to be heard and feel that their problems matter. Perhaps you can be that person for her. It may not work right away, but don't give up after just a few attempts. She may suprise you and open up. And by the way, when was the last time you gave her a hug and/or kiss on the cheek?
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Hi there. I'll try to do what I can to help you with this problem. First off, you are not alone. I feel like I genuinely hate my mother too. We never get along, and when we do, it doesn't last for a day.
Ever heard of the line, "Kill them with kindness" ?
That's what I do to my mother when I'm infront of her. Though there are times that I feel like killing her on the spot, I just ball all those emotions in and give a straight face. I just think that people like my mother(or your mother, if she fits the description of bitch) can't be changed anymore. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, and that's something I've definitely learned from this entire hell experience. I've accepted that she'll never be supportive, or as loving as I'd want her to be, and that I'll have to live that.
I don't know if you feel the same way, but do you always feel like you have to be the one who acts like the adult? Or be the person who has to understand her pessimistic ways? It can be tiring and really crappy, you know. I think it gets better though.
But we all grow up, you and me. And we'll leave them behind soon. So I think we should just bear with our mothers for now. When we become adults, we'll make our own choices & we can prove to them that we weren't as bad as they thought. In time, they'll realize that they hurt us and that they were wrong.
Hey, my mother gets violent sometimes too, and it gets scary. Sooo maybe when that happens, if you want(not forcing anything) you can email me and we can talk about it. :) I'll listen to anything, as in anything. Hahaha. Pointless rants, strings of cuss words, go ahead. And it doesn't have to be all about bad stuff, you know. I have some jokes up my sleeve to make you laugh when you're feeling down. :)
Hope I made some sense. Even a little.
My email is mayj_143@yahoo.com.ph
xx MayJ
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Hi, I'm old enough to be your grandfather; hopefully the wisdom that comes with age and life experiences will be helpful.
I'm not sure I have an answer for you. What I have is possibly some grandfatherly advice.
First you are very lucky, not all children put up for adoption actually get adopted. Those that do don't always turn out as well as you seem to be. From your writing the school your parents have sent you to have done very well by you. I don't need the fingers of one hand to count the number of 16 year olds', male or female who write as well as you do.
As for you and your mom not getting along; that is actually quite normal for a teenage female of your age. What is not normal is some of the other things she does that you have written about. Unless you can get your mother to see a doctor to find out why she is like this, there is not much you can do about it.
One thing you should discuss with your therapist is the way you handle your mother. Your calm and understanding demeanor may be taken by her as belittling of her, which would only make her more angry. I'm Sure it is not your intent to belittle her; your calm manner could be interpreted by her as such and would be felt as disrespectful as well. Adults expect teenagers to be reactionary not calm and understanding.
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