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Going away to college...
This may be long... I'm 20. My boyfriend is 24. We've dated for about 3 years. He's done the college thing and has graduated. I've been at a local college so we've been able to stay together...but in a few months I'll be going away for my other 2 years of college. We've discussed the fact that it will be best that we break up when I go away. He doesn't want me to miss out on the college experience and being single, and honestly I don't either. But we agreed on staying together until then through the summer.
Last night he broke up with me. It was completely unexpected. This sounds selfish, but I thought that if anyone would bring up breaking up it would be me. It took a lot for him to do it and I know how much it hurt him. Bacially he feels like we have this huge heavy cloud over us (the fact that I'm going away and we'll be broken up) and he can't handle being with me and pretending like hes okay with it. He told me he doesn't want to break up and he loves me, but he feels this is the right thing to do. I can't say I don't agree with him. I'm not bitter towards him at all. I really want him to be happy. But I'm left completely heartbroken.
Anyways, he has always said it is a possibility that we may end up together in a year or two, but he wouldn't want to date again until I'm done with college. He feels that I will "learn a lot about myself" during that time, and will grow from it. He still feels this way, and he says he doesn't want to completely stop talking or completely stop seeing each other.
That said, I'm expecting to have fun in college and meet guys and maybe even date once I am over this. I would like to think that he and I could end up together in the end, if that's what we both want, so I don't want to completely cut communication ties. I will be coming home for holidays and stuff because my college is only a few hours away from home.
So, my question is, should I see him when I come home? Would that just make it harder on us? I feel that since we're breaking up now we will both be over it (well, somewhat over it) by that time anyways. I really don't want to never see him again. We had a really good thing going and we both knew it. The only reason we're breaking up is because of the college thing... and I know we're going to miss each other. Any sort of advice/experience would be extremely helpful. Sorry for the length... thanks so much!
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WittyUsernameHere did a great job of answering this but I'll add my thoughts anyway.
Why on Earth would you sacrifice a great relationship, with someone you love and who loves you back for a few hook ups? What do you think you're missing out on? Some immature, drunk boys whose names you don't even know? I've been at university since September and at first getting drunk and fooling around with guys was great. But it gets boring very, very quickly when you realise those flings are meaningless and shallow and now I really regret it. The guys you hook up with in college are unlikely to care about you or love you like your boyfriend does.
If you're planning on getting back together with him after you've finished college anyway then why bother breaking up? Being single and playing the field for a while is likely to do more harm than good for your relationship. If you do get back together, you'll both have to deal with the fact that you spent a couple of years sleeping with other people.
Yes, staying together through college will be tough but you've been together for three years already and you love each other. I'm sure you could make it work if you put the effort in. Please don't throw away a good relationship for the sake of a few college experiences you will almost certainly regret.
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I think you two need your heads examined.
The only possible logical reason to break up is to assume that fucking a large number of people is supposed to be an integral part of "the college experience". I mean, for me it was all about school, friends, and constant unceasing intoxication.
I guess I just don't get it. The fun of sloppily making out with someone you don't know who tastes like cigarettes and cheap beer. Waking up next to someone and wondering if last night was the best idea you've ever had.
You can get blackout drunk, party, dance, break stuff, and go out with friends. You can bring the boyfriend over when you get a chance and do these things with him.
The crux of the matter is sex. Unless he's overly jealous and controlling (not outside the realms of possibility) I can't see any other genuine reason why you'd have to break up, anything specific you'd miss out on by dating him.
The worst part, to me, is the extremely high likelyhood that the next guy is going to have to be a substitute. You're both still in love. You're going to be looking for a replacement, not something new because the last guy/girl didn't work out. You're going to look, consciously or unconsciously, for someone to fill the roles you like and are comfy with.
How long do you think you'll be thrilled with going to parties and waking up in strange beds?
Will you be thrilled by the above at all?
You've already ended up in one fairly involved relationship. Is breaking up worth spending six months realizing that you'd really rather have one guy who makes you happy one a regular basis than ten other guys who haven't figured out how yet?
What do you think you'll think about this decision if you realize three months of bad drunken sex in that you want the stability of a fairly intimate love back and that your possibilities with this guy are probably over now that you've slept with a few new people and he probably hasn't?
If it doesn't work for you, it's fine to walk away. You're not walking away from something that doesn't work, you're walking away because you've heard other people say that you have to be single to really enjoy the college experience.
The only people who say this are the ones who were either single all through college (and thus have no other perspective to offer or to compare to theirs to say what's "better") or people who had a really, really bad relationship in college that fucked everything else it touched up, and then got out of it and discovered that being single is alot better than being with a worthless human being. While still in college.
Last, a mathematical argument against your ideas.
The average 20 year old woman wants to have x amount of enjoyable sex over a given period of time. The total amount of time she has available to her is y. With a boyfriend to spend time with (b) she loses y-(x+b) of her available time over the mentioned given period and has the rest free to pursue entirely non sexual pursuits.
If the woman is single, she also has to contend with bad sex (s), bad dates (d), looking for people who might be datable (m), and striking out and going home alone (a)
Thus the equation for time spent on sex over a given period becomes y-(x+s+d+m+a).
It becomes obvious that you will spend a much more significant amount of time attempting to achieve a reasonable amount of enjoyable sex if you break up and become single. You could have been doing almost anything with that time, including having more of that enjoyable sex.
Efficient sex is the best sex.
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don't think so far ahead. Just go to college, enjoy the experience, take each day as it comes and cross that bridge when you get to it. You are very emotional right now. You have no idea what your feelings will be 2 days from now, let alone 2 months or years! Don't think about it right now. Just do your thing and take life as it comes.
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