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did I make a huge mistake?
I have been seeing this guy for about a year. It all started as a drunk hook up with him, an acquaintance back then, and after that we started seeing each other more and more, until we became best friends and developed feelings for each other. I have had a rough year and he has stuck by me through it all. During the summer, I wanted to start a relationship. I told him that I didn't want to just be friends with benefits anymore, I wanted to take the next step and make it official. He was hesitant, but he agreed. We were official for three months. During that time we fought a lot, so we decided to take a break because it seemed like things were better when we weren't officially together. He told me that the reason he agreed to a relationship with me was because he didn't want to lose me, but I could tell that he didn't truly want to be in one. So we did the unofficial thing for another few months, nothing changed except we stopped fighting and grew even closer. Yet in the back of my head it really bugged me that I was not good enough for him, that he's just using me for the benefits of a relationship without having to put in any of the work himself. I talked to him about that a few times, and he said he just feels more comfortable being what we are now. So last night I finally decided to end it because I was beginning to resent him for that, I don't like waiting around and catering to him whilst he finally decides he wants to be in a relationship with me again. I told him that we should just be friends without the benefits. He said alright let's go for it, that he understands.
I do really want to remain friends, because we do have a really beautiful friendship, but its painful at the same time because at the end of the day I still love him and want to be with him (I'm not sure if he knows that though. I've been pretty emotionally distant from him the past month or so). And I know he still cares about me but he just doesn't want an official relationship.
Did I make a mistake? Should I have stayed and waited some more? I really saw us getting married and having kids someday (he was even vaguely bringing it up), and I feel like I screwed it up. Should I tell him I think I've made a mistake?
When I've asked him why he doesn't want a relationship, he says its because of the obligations. He feels like he's obligated to spend time with me, so its forced on him. However, when we're not in a relationship, he spends time with me because he wants to. And what he said held true: when we were together, I rarely ever saw him and he didn't really pay attention to me. When we're not official, he's obviously happier and loves spending time with me. But what bothers me is that he's had girlfriends before so obviously that wasn't an issue in his past relationships.
The biggest reason why we fought while in the relationship was because I rarely saw him because we weren't taking any classes together, and I didn't have a car. Now we see each other every day because we have a class together and I got a car. So I feel like we won't have the same problems if we get into a relationship again.
Ugh. What should I do? At the end of the day I'm happy with him regardless if we're official or not, its just something that bugs me and eats away at my self esteem and makes me resent him. Did I make a mistake? Should I just talk to him about it some more?
We are both in college, and we have been exclusively seeing each other since we met.
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No. You didn't make a mistake. I can see why you feel that way. He probably spends time with you like your brother and sister---not his best friend.He probably thinks that if you become a couple, then he's afraid you won't have that amazing bond you always have had, he doesn't want to break that relationship.I used to like my best friend who was a boy, we confessed we liked eachother...but we couldn't take not laughing with eachother the same way. i admit your in a sticky situation..but if you can't get your mind off of him, tell him that you want to be a couple, but be best friends at the same time. Tell him that we'll be even closer friends if we become a couple. I hope this helps. Good Luck! Rate me if you want:)
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"When I've asked him why he doesn't want a relationship, he says its because of the obligations. He feels like he's obligated to spend time with me, so its forced on him."
Hello scarlet red flag.
Here's the thing, you can either sit around waiting, hoping for that magical day that he'll commit to you and give in to all your desires; or you can find that in someone who doesn't feel obligated to spend their time with you, but enjoys it.
A guy that doesn't want a "title" on a relationship, just doesn't want a relationship. You're not going to change his mind after a year.
All your resentment comes from the fact that he's used you, and you've allowed it to go as far as it has. He might make you happy as a friend, but don't allow the friendship to remain as a revolving door. Put up some boundaries, benefit from them, and move on.
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I don't think you made a mistake. It does sound like he cares about you a lot and you guys are happy together. You want something real though. He just doesn't want that commitment and that is what you want out of him. If you could picture forever with him and if he is thinking the same then he'd have to step it up.
To be honest, I really wouldn't want a guy who would feel obligated to spend time with me because we were dating.
You don't need to fight because you guys don't see each other often. My boyfriend moved away and we're still together. If something like that happened while you two were together, it shouldn't be that big of an issue.
Anyway, I think you did a good thing by wanting to stay just friends with him. If he is ready for a relationship with you, then fine, but until he decides on what he wants, stay friends. You don't want to wait forever if he doesn't come around.
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If he felt it was too strong an obligation to call you his girlfriend, then what's he going to do with his kids? He can't have an uncommitted relationship with them.
Thing is, even though the original problems may disappear now that you're seeing each other, what happens if there's a future separation? You're both in college: what if someone needs to go away to work for a summer? You shouldn't need to see each other every day in order to keep a strong relationship going.
There's nothing wrong with loving him still. Heck, I still love my first boyfriend even though it's been 6 years since we broke up. Just because you love him doesn't mean that you're compatible in the long run.
You sound like you're looking for commitment, for solidity and for affection. You're not getting this from this dude. He doesn't really sound like he wants a girlfriend. Relationships take serious work, and he just isn't willing to put it in. He's made that abundantly clear. A guy who wants to be with you will have no problems with being obligated to spend time with you. In fact, he should have been overjoyed to have an excuse to spend time with you. Can you really see marrying a guy who would resent the "obligation" of spending time with you?
He might change. Stay friends, by all means. Just don't waste your life waiting for this dude to settle down and make up his mind. Date around, see what your options are.
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No you did the right thing. If he truly cared about you, if he respected you enough abd liked you enough he'd want to be in a relationship with you. If he wanted to have kids with you one day, then he'd want to be dating you and only you. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because he wants to see other girls. And what kind of bullshit answer was that.. "I feel obligated to hang out with you." ummmm yeah, the reason people get in relationships is because they wantto get to know that person better and spend significant time with them. And yeah of course he is happier when he's not in a relationship with you he's happier because he hooks up with you and then goes over to another girls house. Honestly, I don't belive him. He's getting with other girls. But, I think when you guys are official there is some kindness in him not to cheat on you.
You deserve better. I'm sure your really pretty an have a great personality, abd lots of guys would love to really date you. He's playing games with you. And I think you realize all this too because it's been bothering you.
I know your worth more!
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