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Cutting 49 year old sister out of my life - and my children's lives
I've had a struggle with my sister my entire life. She has done the typical sister things to me and some non-typical.
In a phone conversation yesterday we hashed out a few things and at the end I told her I don't want to see her again.
We talked about how she hit me when we were young. (Oh, she's 9 years older than me so it's a 10 year old hitting a 1 year old) and she admits to hitting me
BUT
"I did hit you but not to hurt you" - her
"you did hurt me, you were so much bigger than me" - me
"oh you are remembering it hurting more than it actually did" - her
More examples of how she treated me:
She said she hates fat people and I'm fat.
She said I should have her babies because my body is already ruined by being fat and her body isn't
She walked around my parent's house and put her name on the bottom of the things she wants when they pass away.
I have caught her taking photographs, cookbooks and wine glasses from both me and my parents when she comes. Her response is that the photographs are part of her heritage and she was going to bring them back. The cookbook she does not remember and the wine glasses were hers to begin with. - they are not, they have been in my parents china cabinet for years.
She also has a temper - has had it all her life. Walking on eggshells around her wondering when she will go off has caused me a life of anxiety and depression.
I decided to put up some boundaries with her this time she visits for Christmas. Each boundary I told her about she fought against. She is not allowed to hold my 5 year old and sob when she's leaving. I told her to say goodbye and do her crying away from my daughter, because it affects her.
The response I got was "Why, who told you that what I was doing was bad?"
me- "her behavior afterwards tells me it affects her"
her - "how do you know that my actions are causing her behavior"
What I got from trying to set one boundary was backlash. I thought it was one of the more simple boundaries.
Another boundary I tried to set was that my husband will join her, I and my daughters when we go out. (she does not like my husband because he does not allow her to walk all over him, I let her do whatever she wants because since I was small my parents told me to do whatever she wants and she won't hurt you)
Big backlast there. My husband is on vacation and she's on vacation and I'm not leaving him home to watch TV. He wants to do things with his children too. Her answer was a flat no, he can't come with us.
I'm getting to my question.
My daughters 7 and 5 only know her as the great aunt who brings presents and plays with them when she's here.
How do I tell them that they are not going to see her anymore without being the bad mom?
Eventually they will find out that I'm the one who stopped the relationship. I don't want my girls to hate me. But I can't go on dealing with a sister that treats me terribly.
Should I put up with my sister no matter what, for my children's happiness?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I agree with you that your sister must abide by your boundaries when she comes to visit. If she won't follow the rules, no visit. If she won't agree to the rules ahead of time, no visit.
It's not necessary to tell your children they won't see Aunt Ruthie anymore. She has the opportunity to see them anytime she is willing to behave, and she may be willing to do that.
Meanwhile, you my benefit from some counseling to help you sort out some of those unresolved issues from childhood.
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You and your sister need to sit down and have a serious talk.
1. You and your sister are both ADULTS, The conversation you two had on the phone is extremely childish. Explain to her that you both are no longer children anymore, Things happen when siblings are young but as we grow and mature we move on.
Set boundaries with your sister, Let her know how you feel and how her behavior is unacceptable. If she wants to be involved in your families life she is seriously going to have to focus on getting herself together. Explain the boundaries in a calm way, Try to make it so it doesn't come across as you are attacking her. A mature thing to do would be to respect your children's wishes enough to let them see their Aunt, If your sister is a good aunt and is a good role model to them then yes they should have a right to see her. Don't let the relationship between you and her get in the way, Your children should not be punished for something they didn't do, Keep the problem between you and your sister.
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Its sad that you are willing to let your poor relationship with your sister affect your children. You don't say that she treats THEM poorly. Is she a good aunt? Does she love them? All family is important. Her role as an aunt is not as important as your role as a mother, but its still important. Just because she was horrible to you doesn't mean she can't add something good to the lives of your girls. Was she wrong to treat you badly? Of course! But family dynamics are complicated, and things happen and people get hurt. What never changes is the fact that these people are, indeed, family. I urge you to put aside your personal feelings about your sister and view her from your daughters' point of view. They have no idea of your history with her. They don't know her as selfish or mean. They love her. So you forcing them to never see her again only makes YOU look bad... and they are only 5 and 7, so trying to explain adult matters to them is grossly inappropriate. It sounds to me like the real problem here is you and the fact that you act as a doormat to your sister. I suspect that your age difference has made it hard for you to stand up to her in the past. But you are both adults now and you have to learn to respect yourself. You have to model that for your daughters. Simply kicking her out of your life forever isn't the adult solution. But you seem to be on the right track with setting boundaries. So you and your husband need to sit down with her together, as a united front, and explain your boundaries, your rules. If you don't want her causing drama when she leaves, make it clear you won't be standing for it and lay out a plan for what will happen when it does (if you encourage the drama we will allow one hug and kiss and then we will close the door in your face if you don't just leave like a proper grown up, or whatever you decide). If she has a problem with hubby coming along on trips out, let HER be the one to stay home. Its not her choice, its yours. Yes, she will throw fits and get pissed and maybe say some awful things at first, but I am willing to bet that, if you remain consistent, over time she'll get the hint and adjust. Its time for all of you to grow up. You may be younger, but its clear you are the more mature one, so start acting like it. Take control. Your parents may have always told you to go along to get along while you were growing up, but now you have your own home, and husband and family, so you don't have to be afraid of her anymore. You don't need to cut her out, but you do need to limit and structure the time you do have with her, until she can learn that you have changed and her childishness will no longer be tolerated. Good luck.
Remember - you can't change other people, you can only change how you REACT to other people.
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