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Jealous of my old friend's new friend
Hi,
I have been friends with this guy for about two years. We met at our old job and hit it off instantly. In the first year of our friendship, we did absolutely everything together and always talked on the phone, went out to eat, hung out at work, and just basically spent as much time with each other as possible. As time went on, we got closer and closer and ended up developing some romantic feelings for each other. He ended up telling me his feelings and I told him how I felt and we both actually thought it was pretty funny and laughed because it wasn't super serious. We almost hooked up anyway but ended up changing our minds and both went back to our significant others shortly after. We stayed friends although it seemed a little strained after we fooled around with each other. We were both a little embarrassed (even though we didn't have sex - we just played around ALOT for awhile) and it slowly took a toll on our friendship. I became distant because he became distant and eventually we started getting into disagreements which then turned into arguments. We started talking less and eventually stopped talking at work and over the phone. This was more so on my part because I noticed that everytime we interacted we would start arguing again, so I wanted to avoid it. This went on for about a year and things slowly but surely got better and we began talking again but not as often. I made a huge effort to fix everything by just trying to forgive and forget and being super nice and always making conversation with him but things weren't the same as they once were. Then a few months ago we both met a girl that became a mutual friend and I noticed that he seemed very drawn to her and wanted to hang out with her much more than me. He started calling her constantly, always wanting her to come over, offering her rides home, and just calling to see how she was doing randomly. I know this because she's always telling me how often he calls her. I feel like our friend (who I think is a great person) has somewhat taken my place and it really bothers me. I feel very jealous of their close friendship because it reminds me of what I once had with him. I want to be the friends we were two years ago and have tried so hard to keep in contact with him but he never calls me back and barely ever returns my text messages. However I have seen him call our friend repeatedly while I've been in her presence, so I know its not that he is busy with work or something. I feel like he has brushed me off for her and it hurts because I really love him as a friend and miss him and want him to be in my life. I don't think that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore because on the rare occasion that I see him he's always friendly but I feel like he is not making the same effort with me as he is with our mutual friend. What should I do? I really want to know why he's doing this but I don't have the courage to ask. Sometimes I think maybe he has just grown apart from me but its a difficult idea to swallow. I don't know what to do in this situation and would appreciate some (friendly - no cynical people, please!) advice. Thanks.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Well this is a curious situation. I'm wondering if, at the time of your "almost hook up", he was actually more hurt than he was willing to let on. Of course I don't know any of you, but just from what you say here, I feel like he may be the kind of guy who always needs the companionship of a woman, even if its just friendship. And I'm not saying that's bad or that he used you, I'm just saying that guys like that like females around because they like our vibe (can you blame 'em?!), and then anytime two people of the opposite sex spend a lot of extra time together, feelings are just bound to come up. Its natural and normal. I think he started out really enjoying your company (like you enjoyed his) and thought you were cool. Then, the more and more you hung out, he developed feelings, which were obviously complicated by the significant others situation. He probably would have been happy to pursue something more with you, but then you both ended up just brushing it off. I'm willing to bet he actually didn't have as easy a time brushing it off as you did, and he may resent you for that (for the record, I think you did the right thing). Anyway, that's why the relationship became strained after that. Because we know it wasn't you. You bent over backwards be kind and forgiving and be a good friend. It was him that pulled away. Now he's focusing his attention on another girl. And you don't know how to take that. Of course you're hurt. But I think this is a pattern for him. Don't say anything. Stand by and observe for a while. If I'm wrong I'll eat my words, but I bet you'll see the exact same thing happen with this girl as what happened with you, maybe the only exception being that she may actually accept a romantic relationship with him. So, while it does feel like a betrayal, try to look at it as a friendship that was special for a time that just didn't pan out. You learned a lot from it, had fun, and ultimately came out on top because you took the high road, and he sounds like he hasn't learned much from it all. I know its tough, but really, you'll find so many special, fun, weird, crazy people will come into your life in the future, and they'll all play an important part, but not all of them can stay. Not all of them were meant to. Neither was he. Continue to be gracious, wish them the best, and work on moving forward from this chapter of your life. Good luck!
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I recommend starting with the mutual friend. Next time you hear that he's giving her a ride home, tell her to tell him that you say hi or something simple like that. After a few times of that, text him and just ask how he's been. That it's been awhile since you talked and was just wondering how him and his family are. Make it clear that you just want a friendship, without saying "Hey I wanna talk as friends. I don't like you like that anymore" (oh high school days...) and aren't looking for anything more (and if you do want more... don't let him know that until you are close again :) ) Take it baby steps at a time, maybe get a group from the job together to go to a bar or bowling or something low key and personally invite him along. Eventually, he will either see what a great person you are or he will stay how he is and lose a wonderful friend. Good luck!
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