|
How Old Is Too Old?
I am a 18 yr old f. Several answers would be appreciated. I have met a guy who I relate to in so many ways. I have never felt so comfortable around any other guy before; it feels as if I have known him for years. He is 35. My heart tells me it is so right, but my head tells me he might be too old. Usually I would think 10 years is a good gap to date someone, but my parents are 15 years apart... What do you think? I am very mature and I would never do anything that I'd think to be a stupid decision. Never drank or did drugs in my life and don't plan to. He has never done this either. Thanks in advance!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I am the same as you, basically. I never drank or did drugs (never plan to either).
I'm 18, and I'm with a 37 year old.
I'm very mature for my age, aside from what people may think regarding this relationship.
My parents are 22 years apart.
My head says no, my heart says yes.
I've been in this relationship for 8 months (since I turned 18)
After a while, your head says yes too. I would NEVER recommend anyone to choose to be with someone much older, just because there are always consequences that come with this.
I personally worry if my dad (who is 75, mom is 53) will be around. Luckily, he's in good health. I think about my relationship and I realize that it is worth it to me. But I can't speak for you, or tell you what's best, because this topic is controversial, and it basically depends on personal opinion. If you feel you can handle this situation, regardless of what people will think and say (and you will be ridiculed, I am all the time), then make your decision.
You have to remember, it's neither my decision nor the people who commented below.
You have to make the decision and do what makes you happy the most.
It's not easy, but if it's meant to be, it will be.
Hope I helped.
]
I am an 18 year old male, so you can't argue that I don't understand the situation. You are on here wanting us to say that it is okay to do what you're doing, when, although it is legal, it is far from ok. We are 18, so we are adults, but just barely. We've only been adults for a few months. Imagine if this had happened a few months ago, he would have been a pedophile and registered sex offender. Has so much changed in a few months? You have to realize that something is fundamentally wrong with him. Even though you will say "he's different, I know", I know that at 18, it's impossible to fully comprehend what is in his mind. He may seem more mature than any other guy you've met, and you may think you're more mature than any other 18 year old, but by pursuing anything more than a friendship with you, he is revealing that he is not very mature, or at least not wise.
Sorry if I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, this is my honest advice and you can feel free to do what you want. Maybe he is different from all the other guys going out with girls half their age, if so, then my mistake. And yes, you did say you were thinking about something more than friends, when you said, "Usually I would think 10 years is a good gap to date someone". And by the way, yes I am 18, my birthdate is 9/18/92, I'm not sure why my page says I'm 17.
I was not trying to criticize you, insult you, or be condescending, I was merely giving the advice that I would give to anyone else who was in your situation. Good luck with whatever relationship or life decision you decide to pursue, I hope it works out for you in the end.
]
Can age be a problem? Yes.
Will it be? 99.9% Yes.
Can you date him? Legally, sure, knock yourself out.
Should you? Probably not. It’s probably a bad idea for your mental health and happiness.
It has nothing to do with how mature you are. You could be Aphrodite herself. You could be the most brilliant, lovely fabulous creature in existence.
It would still be very concerning for a 35 year old man to look at you and see a viable romantic partner. It's not your maturity I question. It's his. It's his self-knowledge of what he wants from life, and of how to create an equal, respectful relationship.
To give you some context, I'm 25 years old, and I have been dating men over thirty for the last five years. It wasn't a deliberate choice, but it was what happened. I took a huge leap forward in my career right out of university, so by 22; all my coworkers and many friends were in their thirties and forties, so those are just the people I meet.
It didn’t NOT work because I'm immature. I'm extremely mature, emotionally competent and a desirable partner. It hasn't worked in most cases for two reasons: One, the lifestyle I want is very different from what a nearly-forty wants and two, most of the men that age who are attracted to dating a twenty-something, are the immature, emotionally incompetent people who are not chasing women their own age, because women their own age wouldn’t put up with them.
I know this might sounds a bit unfair, but I went out briefly with quite a few guys in their late thirties, and honestly they all LOOKED and SOUNDED really good at the beginning, they had learned how to sell themselves well, and then in a matter of weeks or months it quickly dissolved into them being very clearly emotionally stunted bullies. Not bad men, but certainly men who were single for good reasons.
Of course that won’t be truth of ALL older men dating younger women (I’m dating a 33 year old man right now and things are wonderful…) . But it will be true of many, and at 18, you don’t have the experience to be able see those glaring warning signs. I didn’t have it at 22 either.
It's a bad idea. It really is. I worry deeply for you if you go ahead with this. It's so risky emotionally for you to get together with such a huge age difference and I've seen in my own life, and in the lives of my friends, how these things tend to because very unequal and unbalanced very quickly.
So I advise against it. Really, really strongly. The chance of it going well is tremendously small.
]
He is one year off of double your age.
You probably can't see it at 18, at 35 it's normally pretty easy for a guy to seem more together than he is, and more mature. You know, as long as he's not like still in his mother's basement or something.
A guy who meshes well with an 18 year old at 35 in a romantic sense has something wrong with him. Some degree of fundamental immaturity which will probably destroy the relationship as you outgrow him.
There are absolute limits to how mature you can be at 18. Seventeen years of life experience and perspective is supposed to make a ton of difference. If he's attracted to you in a serious way that means that those years didn't make the difference they should have. It means there's something wrong with him.
Might take you years to grow up enough to see through it. But unless you also never grow up eventually you'll be entirely incompatible.
When you've grown up a little more you'll probably be in a position to see some of the things that you wouldn't notice about him now.
Every 18 year old thinks they're very mature. Every 18 year old who actively expresses it is really an 18 year old who's never really experienced much of anything of life. As proof of your maturity you started listing things you've never done, and that he's never done.
In 10 years you should be demonstrating your maturity by listing things you've actually accomplished. Because that's what life is about. It sounds like you hooked a guy who's pretty close to the 35 year old virgin and he seems worldly and mature because you're only 18 and using yourself as a basis for comparison, not other 35 year olds who actually have their shit together.
It's nothing against you. At 18 you're not supposed to be as mature as a normal, well adjusted 35 year old.
And don't let your parents relationship fool you. 15 years is alot at any age under 60.
:Edit:
Also, because I'm a guy and I remember being in the teenaged dating range, he could just be a little creepy and really into dating girls who fit in the "barely legal" category and be lying to you about everything.
I've known creepy guys like that. I'd guess you've got a roughly 1 in 10 chance that he's a creepy douchebag. Keep an eye out, just because he seems awesome and you get along doesn't mean it's time to let your guard down. If sex comes up anytime soon, take note of that fact, because if he's not incredibly immature and falling in love with you, there's really only one other thing he could be after.
I'm sure you'd say he's absolutely not and he's wonderful and you trust him and he'd never do anything like that. I'm sure pretty much every other 18 year old who's been unknowingly used by a pervy guy in his mid 30s would have said the same thing.
Paying attention and approaching the situation with just the slightest hint of paranoia can't hurt, can it?
]
Im with you on the whole 10 years ahead thing,but like you said your parents are 15 years apart.So I say go for it just be carefull dont put your entire heart on the line.If you and this guy really like eachother it will be worth it.Just make sure your not the only one in it.Trust your heart like my mom always said Love like its the last day you can.You dont want to give up and always wonder what might have been.So good luck and stay safe
]
More Questions: |