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An issue I can't fix on my own
19/f. I am in the University and I still live at home. I stayed at home, and didn't go away, as most people, because my family BEGGED me to stay. At the time of graduation, I had an eating disorder. I was struggling with anorexia and bullemia and eventually with trying to get back to a healthy weight. The day after graduation, my family told me I was adopted. All of this was confirmed true, and I met my birth parents as well. So, it's been a lot. I really didn't have much of a choice as far as whether I could leave or not. They really begged me to stay. I have a scholarship at my school. Not only do I not pay a penny for my University education, I get money back! This is also a really nice University. I would consider myself very fortunate to be able to come here. But, I have a couple of issues that need to be addressed and I don't even know where to start.
First of all, my home life is a really big issue. I have "a room," I guess you could say. But, it's not MY room. Everyone goes in there and uses the computer. No one knocks when they want to come in. There is very little privacy and absolutely no respect for my private and personal space. My mom doesn't allow me to sleep in my room, basically. Now, when I say she doesn't allow me, she doesn't straight out tell me i can't. But, she will come to room crying and making a scene if I decide I want to sleep there. My mom hasn't let me sleep in my own bed since I was 9 months old. This has been a problem for that long. If I stay up late in my room doing whatever, she will come in and tell me it's time to go to sleep... in her room... in her bed.
My mother and I have been sharing the car. But, she doesn't let me drive it when I want to go out with friends or to school at night for an event. SHE has to drive me. It's really frustrating because I think I am perfectly capable of driving myself to school and back. She won't let me drive the car to school because she says she's afraid I won't find parking. BS. I know it's convenient and everything, but I feel almost incapacitated. I am frustrated because I've been working since I was 16, and I still don't have enough money to buy myself my own car. My mom has used my money sometimes, during emergencies and I've used minimal money for food, gas, necessities. When I do drive somewhere, it's a REALLY big deal. Like, my mom starts to cry and take out her rosary and slam the doors.
My dad has 2 other kids and they live somewhere else. They live in the same city, but in another house. He doesn't really meddle in my home life too much. He's just there for moral and financial support when I need it and basically to be "daddy." He seems like he's the good one I can always run to, but the reality is that's not a fair judgement because he doesn't really live with me. He just buys me whatever I want when I want it, brings me money, etc. That's our relationship. But, I feel bad asking him to buy me a car, you know? Even though he can afford it, and my mom and I can't.
My mom doesn't let me wash my own hair. She goes into the bathroom with me and washes it for me. She makes appointments at the beauty salon and makes them do my hair "her way." I'm allergic to acrylic/gel nails. They make me itchy, and I have them on right now. Why? Because she made me get them and I don't want problems with her. Sometimes, it's better to do things her way than to argue with her. My mom picks out the clothes I wear in the morning and there's really no arguing with her. She makes me wear big heels to school and claims she "has" to brush my hair because I don't know what I'm doing. She has to "check" my makeup is on right and that I have enough on. She pays for spray tans every week and if I don't go, she has a fit. She screams at me and it ends up in a huge fight.
I've really been trying to handle this to the best of my ability, but I kind of want to leave now. School seems more like my safe haven than home. Please don't get a wrong impression. My mom is a great lady and she just does all those things because she wishes someone would have done them for her. But, she has taken it out of proportion, and it's affecting me. I don't want to leave the school I'm in because this is my home. I'm also getting scholarships here. This school is a home to me and I can't leave. I'm already a sophomore here. I'm going to be 20 very soon and I can't fathom the idea that my mother doesn't let me wash my own hair pick out my own clothes. I want to go "home" and I don't know where that is, because I can't stay at school all night. I want my won place.
This is where the problem comes in: money and finances. I don't have the money to do it. I live in an expensive city and a part time job won't cut it. None of my friends want to get an apartment, since most of them live in the dorms. I don't want to live in the dorms and let me explain why. It's MUCH more expensive than living in an apartment. It's very expensive. With an apartment, I have selection. I would just need someone to move in with me and be willing to split the costs.I would have to save up for a down payment, but I think it's possible, at least. In the meantime, while I'm looking for a steady job and roomates, I need to find a way to deal with my mom. I really need help here. Please don't say talk to her because... you think in 19 years, I haven't tried talking to my mom about this? You think I would be asking the world wide internet for help if I haven't even gone through step 1? So please give me as much help as possible. I think I have done my part in explaining as much as I possibly could
Thank you for reading it all and I hope you can offer me some valuable advice. Thank you
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!
Okay, just had to get that out! I feel much better, and now I think it's time that you do.
Your dad is a huge part of your answer. If you live in an expensive city I'm going to deduce that you also live in a city with some sort of public transportation. Instead of dad buying you a car, dad should buy you the first and last month's rent with a security deposit so that you may move into your own place. Moving out of your mom's house, permanently, should really be #1 on your list of things to do.
From there you'll have more time and space to see what else needs to be tended to.
OK, now, go CALL DAD!
Good luck,
Jaimes :-)
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Wow! I am so sorry to hear the details of your situation.
It sounds like many things have not been right with relationships in your family for a long time. For example, you should have been told about being adopted a long time ago, like 18 years ago.
It sounds like your mother is doing everything she can to keep you as her baby, which only makes you want to break away more. And it is time to break away. What's quite unfair is that you may have be the first person in her life to say "no" to her.
I suggest that you concentrate on your efforts to find a new place to live. Ask your Dad for money if you need it. He knows what you are dealing with - that's why he moved out. To begin to make changes at home would be too difficult and painful for both you and your mom.
Get all your ducks in a row before you make a move because it may be difficult to make this move in stages.
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wow! You do understand that the way your mother treats you is COMPLETELY unhealthy, right? For the both of you. Anyway, since you've said you've already tried talking to her and it doesn't help then just continue looking for work and saving money, and keep searching for roommates or sometimes people who live close to campus will rent rooms in their homes for very cheap rates. So that might be an option worth looking into as well. In the meantime, try making little changes in your routines. NOthing crazy, but maybe try getting dressed yourself one morning while your mom is in the bathroom or something. Try showering and washing up when your mom is out at work or at the store or something. Just little things that assert your independence without upsetting the whole apple cart, so to speak. And please remember that when you do leave, your mother IS going to freak out. YOu've got to make it up in your mind right now that you will not change your mind, no matter what she says or does. And I'm sure you know by now the kinds of things she is willing to resort to to get her way. This behaviour may have all started out because she wanted you to feel special, but its turned into something far more selfish. I'd say at this point its more about her than it is about you. Keep that in mind, and be strong! Independence is a wonderful feeling and a precious gift. Once you've had some you'll wonder how you went all this time without it. Look forward to that. Good luck to you.
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