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How can I control my jealousy and trust issues?
Im a 19 year old female and im with a 26 year old man.I just got out of a real bad relationship not to long a go now i have this new man thats 26 hes experienced alot more than i have. my problem is that we fight all the time but its mainly me i have trust issues and jealousy problems and i cant stand to see him with another girl. i know that the girls he hangs out with are his friends but i still get mad a i start accuseing him of cheating on me and we get in to a big fight.does anybody out there know how i can control my jealousy and trust issues and especially my anger towards him when i accuse him of doing thing that he says that not doing and he probably isnt
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I too have jealousy and trust issues, but one thing that I've learned in life (i'm 33, by the way), is that it's not all in your head, no matter how much he tries to convince you that it is.
There are different types of people in life:
1. There are people that cheat regularly and are not jealous,
2. people that cheat regularly and are extremely jealous,
3. people that flirt regularly,
4. and people that are jealous, and are highly faithful in both thought and deed.
Usually people that are jealous and highly faithful in both thought and deed, wind up with people that fall in the first 3 groups if they are not careful, or if they don't know how to be careful.
Another thing that I've learned is that everyone has a vice, no matter how religious they claim to be etc.
They don't have to be complete addicts to have an obvious vice - or at least addiction is not what I mean by using the term vice. I use it more to mean preference of social activity. Be it an activity participated in slightly, moderately or to excess.
You will find that people prefer one thing, or set of things more than other things. And if they are not religious, their vices will be easy to spot, and will especially fall into a couple of main categories:
1. Money,
2. Power (including gossip and public recognition),
3. Love and passion,
4. Drugs and alcohol.
Many times you will find the jealous type that is highly faithful in both thought and deed, is more into drugs or alcohol, whereas the other types hate alcohol drugs, and are often disgusted with people that are interested in those things.
Yet they are usually into money, and power, and cheat or flirt constantly, and feel that things "just happen," romantically and that love can't be controlled, the heart wants what it wants, yada yada yada, blah, blah, blah.
The type that is jealous, and are highly faithful in both thought and deed is usually more of a meek personality type, whose frustrations or expressions are usually directed internally, while the other types always direct their aggressions and expressions outwardly, creating victims and heartbreak without care.
Even though you guys may fight because you are wrong about him cheating specifically at that moment in time, one thing you will come to trust as you get older is your intuition.
Now your intuition may not be telling you information that is spot on accurate all the time, but it's telling you that this guy is just not compatible with you. If he surrounds himself with female friends, chances are he's a flirt of some sort. He might even be a cheater, saving his "female friends," just in case things don't work out between the two of you.
In any event, your intuition is not completely off. Trust yourself, he's not right for you. Any guy that loved you, wouldn't want to torture your mind like that with "female friends," if he was faithful. He's got his own agenda in mind. It may be a future agenda, but what you smell is an agenda. Don't be fooled.
The only people that you can really be with happily are people that are jealous and are highly faithful in both thought and deed, or people that see the error in cheating and flirting and love you enough to not do it in front of you or behind your back ever. Usually they've lost someone they truly loved because of their careless behavior, or suffered some tragedy because of it. So they are in a sense reformed. Sometimes there are people like this but you have to make sure before you take their word for it.
It is hard to find people that you are compatible with, because as you can see, the majority of the people in the world fall into the other 3 categories. The only thing you have in the end is your intuition, surprisingly enough - the thing that everybody wants to discount and call you crazy for.
Also a lot of times you might find someone that is really jealous, and think it's because that person is like you. But you have to make sure that person is not jealous because they are a cheater themselves. So you have to be careful to look for all of the qualities you need, not just jealousy.
In essence you have to trust yourself, and respect yourself, because you are in the minority in this world. You will find that even trusted members of your family will say that you're crazy, because truth be told, you really don't know everything about their love lives either. Most people don't think like you, and the only real way to find them is to use a dating service that matches people based on compatibility like eharmony, or to just trust your instincts. As soon as you feel slightly distrustful, just move on. Unless the person can make you truly feel at ease again, just move on.
Just trust me. Right now it may seem like you won't meet anybody else. But you will. A person that loves you, and is truly like you, will understand the way you feel, and they won't do things to make you feel like you can't trust them ever. They won't get angry at your distrust because they will understand it. And they will make you feel safe, not uncertain.
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This sounds all too familiar to me!
Look, this isn't really an issue about controlling anything but understanding where it all comes from. A big part of this is not only accpeting what happened with you in the past, but also learning that it does not define your future. It sounds like you were burned pretty bad in the past and I'm definitely sorry to hear that!
Think of it this way, since you seem to understand how angry you get when he hangs out with other girls. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment and think about how much longer you'd want to be in a relationship with someone who treated him the way you do. Even if you can only manage this for a few seconds, I'm sure you'll notice it's not a wonderful feeling.
You'll never learn to control your jealousy until you understand where it comes from and why. At that point, you can begin making the necessary choices necessary to change your behavior. Because, as we always hear, nobody ever 'makes' you feel a certain way - you allow them to do so. In this case, you create possible scenarios in your head and live in the world of "what if". What if he's doing this? What if he's kissing one of the girls? What if one of them is hitting on him? You probably find yourself in a panic with anxiety symptoms. And for what?
If you have time to see a counselor or therapist, I would highly recommend it. These types of trust issues will not go away quickly and should be dealt with appropriately. Trust is essential in a relationship; so consider it as something you're paying forward.
Best of luck!
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Just relax. Remember hes with you, not them. If they are his friends then so be it, sometimes thats just how the dice rolls.
The reason your probably jealous is because your uncomfortable having him with other girls. And you try to protect yourself from getting hurt by making it seem like he did something wrong.
You should try to hang out with him and his friends. GGet a feel of how they all act together. Maybe even become friends with them. That will blow some steam off you head.
Next time you start to think of accusing him, just tell yourself that hes trustworthy. Say it 100 times in your head if you have to. And if you are about to accuse him out loud, bite your tongue.
But really try to hang with with him and his friends. I bet you'll feel alot better!
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