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I need help with sexual anxiety
Ok, so to start off with some background I am 18 F and I am dating a 22 M. When I was 13 I was in a relationship with someone my age and he was very pushy with sex, but we didn't have sex, close, but no sex. When I was 14 I met my 2nd BF online and I was very sexual with him, I was able to have 'phone sex' with him, aka, speaking dirty and stuff. When I was 15 I started dating my current bf now, let's call him Damon. When we started I was kinda ok with he idea of doing stuff, we waited 5 months and after that point he took my virginity, as the relationship grew stronger, I was growing more and more uncomfortable with being sexual with him. He never did anything to make me not want to, in fact that's why I am here. I would love to be able to let go and be 'freaky' but I don't know, i get stressed and embarrassed and I can't be freaky. I can barely initiate the sex or foreplay. I want to be able to be that 'porn-o dirty' for him because I am into that too, I just feel strange and stressed when it comes down to me actually doing it. There also is more to this sexual anxiety. I don't feel comfortable with him watching porn and jerking off to other girls, I feel that I am not enough for him and im not doing a good job. I understand that sometimes it's not even lust it's just an annoying feeling and you need to release, but he has no imagination so he need to watch porn. And there's more.. We just made some new friends who are really into BDSM shows, and so are we, but the almost live porn in front of us I know is going to be a problem, I'm going to go and watch him enjoy himself and get turned on my these other people all night and im not gonna enjoy myself. I just wanna be able to release my sexual tension and let loose and not be anxious about it. thank you all who may be able to help. feel free to ask any questions that might make it easier for you to help me.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
Let me start by saying that sex between consenting adults has virtually no limits as long as both parties consent to whatever they do.
After reading your note I feel you are having trouble coming to grips with what you think you want to do and what you will allow yourself to do. Example: I don't feel comfortable with him watching porn and jerking off to other girls, I feel that I am not enough for him and im not doing a good job. I understand that sometimes it's not even lust it's just an annoying feeling and you need to release, but he has no imagination so he need to watch porn.
I do not know you well enough to understand why you are this way, it could be in the way you were raised, it could be something that happened when you where a young child. What I believe is that trying to overcome this yourself and become as you say; “be that porn-o-dirty for him”, is only going to add my stress.
I would suggest you find a sex therapist, you can ask your family doctor for a referral. It is my belief that something deep seated is holding you back. Just what that may be cannot be found in this setting. One on one with a trained therapist is the best and quickest way to helping you get where you want to be.
Good luck. Sex should be enjoyed not stressed over.
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Alright.
First off, the whole "porn act" thing is not something you will ever pull off until you're comfortable with sex and your own sexuality. Because it is a bit of a performance, you need to already be fine with all the parts of sex that aren't a performance.
Things like your confidence in your sex appeal, your comfort with vulnerability and emotional intimacy, and your trust in both him and yourself that shit's just fine between the two of you.
Second, the porn thing isn't about being enough. Masturbation is just a healthy expression of self sexuality and men are visual so porn just happens to be a convenient stimulation. It's not about a substitute for something, porn is about voyuerism. The single most prevalent kink present in human sexuality is the enjoyment of watching other people have sex. Look at the media put out in this country, people just like looking at sex.
I think you should focus less on the sex itself and more on the intimacy. Being comfortable naked around him, letting him show you that he thinks you're sexy. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him that you need a little encouragement and establish clear signals that you can send when it's good to go ahead or he needs to slow down or stop.
You need to work yourself to a place where you realize that he loves you and he just wants to be intimate with you. It doesn't matter if it's clumsy, it doesn't matter if it's technically brilliant, it's just the two of you being together. Everything else can come with practice.
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Being comfortable sexually takes awhile. Sometimes its hard to come out of your shell, and other times you may think "why not, whats the worse that can happen". Maybe try starting out small and then move to more advanced thingS. As for him watching porn, thats all men. Even if they are completely satisfied with their sex life, men still like porn. And, it actually gives you good ideas on what to do with YOUR partner, so porn is not a bad thing. Don't think that you're not good enough, eventually you will be comfortable with doing somethings. As for the BDSM shows, I would wait until youre completely comfortable with HIM, before going off and doing it around OTHER people. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to feel comfortable with new techniques, because its just that, its new. Its unexplored territory that until you do it, will always make you feel a little self conscious. Just take your time and slowly try new things, then you can get up to the big things. Good Luck
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