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i cannot take 1 more day of this
19/f. I live with my mom and my grandparents. I attend university here where I live. I didn't think I was going to like staying here at home for college but I ended up loving my school. I went to an all girls private high school and it was really a refreshing change to be around guys I guess and also to be around people who r not snobby. Basically, I really liked my school and I'm doing really, really well in school. Living at home is a nightmare. I stayed because my family BEGGED me 2 stay. They said they would give me my space and all of that. They most certainly ARE NOT. EVERYTHING is an argument with them. Let's start by saying that my mom doesn't even let me style my own hair. She doesn't even let me wash it myself. She will cry, scream, and throw a tantrum if I don't let her wash my hair. Whenever I have a date, they don't let me drive myself. They drop me off and pick me up. Talk about awkward. They stay at the mall where I go sometimes if its more than 5 miles away from the house. My mom drives me to and back from school. I understand that were sharing the car but I don't think its necessary to make my life nearly impossible. I'm 19. I am a women and a college student. I've been making my own money since I was 16 and I've been like the perfect daughter. I've never done anything wrong or gotten in trouble. They are treating me like this because they don't know how to let go. I am transferring to another school upstate in a year because I feel like its the only way to gain my independence. In the meantime, how can I approach this??
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
have a serious sit down and let them know how this is affecting you. telling them the truth. tell them they are screwing you up mentally and this is not normal. tell them that you need to know how to be on your own because they are not going to be around forever. just make sure they know you love them. and then do what you have to do.
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
You do have a problem. In the eyes of the law and everything else you are an adult subject to all the rules of adult society. In your mothers eyes you are still a little girl, her little girl. Yes your mother is also a controlling individual; but you already know all this.
Different ethnic backgrounds do play a part in how parents treat females in a family. You did not state your ethnic background so I do not know if your ethnicity enters into this problem. If you live in the USA culture clash is a big problem especially for women. Not knowing this means we will have to leave this aside other than to say if this is a factor the advice given by myself and others may not be relevant.
There are only two ways of handling controlling parents. The first is to confront then with the problem and offer a compromise solution. Remember the definition of compromise is something neither party likes but both parties can accept. An example would be something like the following: Mom I love you and my grandparents very much but you all are not allowing me to grow and experience life as I need to. Then go on from there and list the problems you have listed in you note to us. One of the solutions in car sharing is certain days you get the car other days you take public transportation, if available. I am a grown women and I need I privacy, you do not need to explain why, this includes how you dress, from the skin out, how you style your hair, the cosmetics you use etcetera.
Continue your list of problems with living at home followed by your solution; try to include your mothers’ and grandparents feelings in your solutions so it is not all your own way. In other words give a little where you can. When you get to the end of the list you ask if this is acceptable to them. If it is write it up, have them sign it and post it someplace that it is easily referenced. If it is not acceptable and they offer no compromise or a compromise that is not acceptable? Then you have a choice to make.
Those choices are: A. you can continue to live by their rules or B. You can inform them that their rules are unacceptable; their refusal to compromise or discuss the situation leaves you no choice but to move out and live on your own. You cannot use this as a threat. You must be prepared to move out and should have a date as to when you will be doing so to tell them. They will probably argue, tell you they will not allow you too and other things. Fact is they cannot stop you.
Also realize one thing and this is where your ethnic background could come into play. In certain cultures if you play this card you could be burning a bridge behind you if you leave the family home before you have married. So think long and hard if this is something that could happen.
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I would start looking for a room mate at your college, Perhaps an apartment near the University.
At 19, You are a full grown woman who is entitled to their privacy and independence. Have you sat your mother down and explained how you felt and how what she is doing has an effect on your outlook of living there and your independence? I think it's ridiculous that your mother would act out if she couldn't style and wash your hair. Let her know that you are an adult and you can take care of yourself and make your own decisions.
However I recommend looking into door rooms, See if anyone needs a room mate, Or possibly rent out an apartment somewhere.
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You're right. You are 19 years old, you are now an adult. You are ENTITLED, unquestionably, to your independence. Which means it's time to make decisions for yourself, that benefit you, and do what you see fit. Staying at home is limiting you. I don't know the full situation you're in, but your mother going to the extremities of treating you as if you were an infant is a definite hindrance.
You mention that you have some sort of income. I'd advise you to start looking into possibly renting a place or looking for a room mate.
As far as approaching the matter of you getting out into the world on your own, you really owe them no explanation. You are a grown woman and it's time for you to get out and experience life. They're going to have to accept it.
You can explain to them how you feel and how they're holding you back, if you'd like. But irregardless, it's time for you to move on with your life.
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