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"Hot and Cold" Feelings
So right now I'm feeling very anxious to see this guy that I like. However, when I do see him sometimes I find myself slightly less attracted to him. Or even embarrassed? But only when other people are around. I should explain.
My last boyfriend had flaws that I suppressed in my mind. He is not the most intelligent person ever (This is in no way to be a snob, but he is more of a party-going guy who doesn't like the idea of school. I live to learn and do really well in school so obviously there is a problem). My parents also hated him because they feared he wasn't "right" for me. And also he isn't what I consider extremely attractive. But I really liked him, and even loved him at one point. However, with all of these "flaws" I would sometimes look at him and suddenly be nearly repulsed (that word is too strong, but the point is that from one day to another my feelings for him would change 180 degrees). It's almost like he was a different person but obviously he hadn't changed, it was me who had the problem. Eventually my "hot and cold" behavior was our downfall. It caused so many problems. I broke up with him several times and wanted him back soon after. And he told me several times that I acted very weirdly and changed: that alone I would be one person and in public another. I had problems with "acting like his girlfriend." He told me that I treated him more like a friend. Eventually he stopped loving me and broke up with me for good.
Now I like another boy. And by his behavior I get the idea that he likes me as well. I don't find myself repulsed by him but rather uneasy. I told my friend that I liked him and now whenever I talk to him during class I feel like she is staring at me. I can rationalize that no one really cares and that even if did something stupid and people noticed it wouldn't matter. I'm usually not that self-conscious of myself in general in public. This tends to happen only with crushes or relationships.
I don't know why this happens and am honestly afraid that my last relationship will repeat itself with just a different face. My attraction for this new guy is completely different (he's smart, polite, my parents would like him, etc.) but I'm still afraid that this will happen. I thought that I'd gotten over this issue (it's been 7 months since I ended the last relationship) but I realize that I've just pushed this all under the rug and now it's coming out again. Am I psychologically disturbed? I don't know, but this is very aggravating. :(
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You just didn't like him the way you thought ou would. In fact, you only thought that you would because in reality, you probably thought that you could be good for HIM, and not him for you. You wanted to change him, to help you be more like you which of course he could never be. This is an old desease, where people want rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued because they don't view who they are as needing to be rescued. During the times you looked at him in repulsion is when you looked at him withou the pity with which you normally viewed him as. Without that pity, there was nothing left, and so no more attraction. It was probably for the best that he broke up with you because he would have ended up hating you for despising the needy person you viewed him as.
If you need MOOR advice, let me know.
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You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know
And you
Over-think
Always speak
Cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You!
You don't really want to stay, no
You!
But you don't really want to go-oh
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh (used to laugh)
Bout nothing (bout nothing)
Now your plain (now your plain)
Boring (boring)
I should know (I should know)
you're not gonna change (change)
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You!
You don't really want to stay, no (woah)
You!
But you don't really want to go-oh (ohhh)
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no (no!)
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down (you're down!)
Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get it off this ride
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right (When it's right)
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up (We make up)
You're hot then you're cold (Ohhhhhhhhhhhh)
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out (Oh!)
You're up and you're down (Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh)
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white (Oh!)
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You!
You don't really want to stay, no (woah)
You!
But you don't really want to go-oh (ohhh)
You're hot then you're cold (Cold)
You're yes then you're no (No)
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down (Dooooown)
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Okay, well, here's the deal. Your mind is playing tricks with you. It's making you think that what happened last time, with your ex boyfriend, will repeat it's self. It's a very normal thing for your mind to do. What you have to do is, just simply tell yourself that things WON'T be the same. Eventually you'll learn to believe it.
Good luck!
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If this makes you psychologically disturbed, then every person on the planet is psychologically disturbed, because what you are describing is perfectly normal. It happens to us at 15 and it happens at 30. It's just life.
In each relationship we get into, we learn something.
We learn what we like, and don't like. We start to recognize patterns and problems we keep on having. We understand ourselves better in relationships.
You will always be wary of past negative experiences. You will always be keenly aware of past mistakes and keep a close eye out for them repeating themselves. You will always be anxious when you start to get to know someone new.
These feelings don't go away - you'll just get better at handling them, and keeping them in their appropriate place.
It's okay to be anxious and to be wary of repeating old patterns. But don't let those fears rule over you.
Take a deep breath and realize this: Even if it weren't for your 'hot and cold' behaviour. Your past relationship STILL would have ended. You obviously had problems way bigger than you being lukewarm. There was a lack of respect and acceptance in your past relationship, so it was destined to fail. You weren't compatible. End of story.
In your life you are probably going to date quite a few people who you just aren't compatible with, until you come across someone who you are!
As you start to get close to somebody new, you can share these fears and warn them of patterns you don't want to repeat, but first you have to let yourself start to get close to someone new!
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You didn't push your feelings under the rug, but you haven't been confronted with them until now, either. The trick to wrestling with emotional difficulties is to master them, and as long as you endeavor to grow and learn everything will be allright.
Also, you seem to place a lot of blame on yourself about your hot and cold behavior, but it might have just been your natural reaction to partnering with a person who wasn't right for you. It sounds to me like you were doing a lot of questioning, combined with all kinds of odds and ends along the lines of"is this the right thing to do?" or "what if I find out he was really the right one when he is with someone else," or even the thought of him being intimate with anyone else.
Go with these feelings for the new guy.
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