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His Addiction
17/f
(I've known this guy since I was 7) he is now 21.
When I was like 15 almost 16, him & I became best friends, and eventually had sexual relations (yes i know he's older & etc. I am very mature for my age because of everything I've been through, so dont judge me or give me sh** for it please, because you'll just be a broken record that I wont really listen to--sorry.)
Any ways, he has like no one there for him anymore except for me, and he's on drugs really bad; which I'm used to dealing with because my step dad used to be on them really bad.
(lets name him John)
John and I tell each other everything and anything, our whole friendship is based on honesty and just being real, even if the truth can hurt.
& John never really had any one there for him, like he has his grandparents but he cant really talk to them, and all his friends are moving away; so all he really has is me.
I want him to know that I don't like that he does drugs (except for weed, he knows that I dont care if he smokes weed), like he kindve already knows a little bit, but I want him to know I care for him and love him I don't want him to get hurt or end up killed over the drugs hes doing now.
He basically already knows I'm always here for him no matter, but how I do I tell him I care for him so much and tell him I dont like the drugs without pushing him away?
& I know I should just stay away from him because he's drugs, but deep down he is a really good and nice person, hes just made a lot of very bad decisions and ended up with the wrong crowd basically; & when it comes down to it I love him, even if he is all wrong & f*cked up, but we all are in some way, & you can't help who you love..
(keep in mind me & him have never dated, we're basically best freinds with benefits.)
& I apologize if this comes off as mean, I'm really not trying to be, I'm just stressed out from it all & I'm tired of people telling me how bad of a guy he is & stuff like that..
So I guess here's my question how do I tell him how I feel without pushing him away?
& sorry this is so confusing
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REPLY TO YOUR FEEDBACK:
Honestly, he probably will end up dying as a result of his addictions. Even at the best rehab centers in the world, the success rate is only 15%. Most people do not beat addictions.
I know you are hurting right now, but there is nothing you can do to save him. It is a tragedy. I feel for you. And if you were right here in front of me, I would hug you. And then take you out to the movies :) You need to take care of yourself. Let him deal with his own problems.
You can't wait for him to change. No matter how badly you want him to beat out drugs, you can't make him stop. He has to find the strength within himself. You can't do it for him.
Let it go.
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His addiction should not be your primary concern. Hard as this may be for you to accept, you need to find somebody else to love. Believe me. I'm in a similar situation.
When I was fifteen (four years ago), I fell in love with a guy named Eric. We both loved each other, but we never really dated. Eric is now addicted to hard drugs, and constantly does things to hurt himself.
Over the years, it has been difficult to know how to handle the situation. At first, I begged him to stop. I wanted the best for him. I didn't like the stuff that he was doing, and I wanted to help him. He rejected that help and started seeing me less and less.
Eventually, I decided that since he wasn't listening to me, I should cut him out of my life entirely. I did this even though he is an amazing person. I did it because I wanted him to know that I did not accept his addiction. I wanted to take a stand against it. Doing this actually helped him, in a way. It got my message accross, and it showed him that I expected better of him. Moreover, it helped me. During those three years, I fell in love with somebody else, made new best friends, and re-built my life.
Now, three years after I started ignoring Eric, I have decided to talk to him again. This time I have a new attitude. Basicially, I have decided to place the responsibility of his addiction into his own hands. I have decided to live my life and let him deal with his.
Whenever the topic comes up, I let him know how I feel about his addiction. But, I do not act angry, push him away, etc. Instead, I talk as though we are on the same side, and to be honest, we are. I am on his team, and I want what's best for him. I don't get angry when he talks about drugs. Instead, I say things like "If you want to talk about the fact that you have a problem, I'm all ears. But if not, you know I don't want to hear about you doing drugs. Let's focus on something more positive." I remain positive with him at all times.
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IN CONCLUSION :
The best way that I know of to let someone know that you are against their addiction without pushing them away, is state your concerns respectfully and honestly. Don't lecture him. Don't get angry. That probably won't do any good. But don't pretend that you are OK with what he is doing.
In a nutshell, be matter of fact. And don't let yourself get all wrapped up in his problems. Live your own life, find new people to love.
I understand that right now he's the most important thing in the world to you. Believe me, I've been there. But it's really up to him to help himself. You can't do it for him. And there are other people in the world who would love to fall in love with you and become friends with you. Don't shut your eyes to them.
This guy that you love, he has a lot on his plate right now.
Let him take care of his problems.
Let it go.
Take care of yourself first.
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Hmm.
Ok.
First, you're legal in a year, possibly legal now (would be in Texas at least). So, who cares. He's on drugs? That probably puts him behind you in emotional maturity by a significant distance if the drugs aren't a relatively new life problem.
Second. Step dad on drugs tells me something. Tells me you came from a family that was damaged and unstable. You got used to dealing with it. And so it's almost a "better the devil you know" scenario. Having dealt with it before also gives you a (false) sense that you're better equipped to handle this guy's specific brand of crazy.
Third, you're 17. At 17 you do NOT need to be binding yourself in love or deed to a dude who's got drug issues. His issues could take months, years, decades to work out. They might never get there. It's not your job to pull someone out of the muck.
And let met tell you, as a people fixer myself, there gets to be a point where you want someone to be fixed. But the same way this guy leans on drugs, he's going to lean on you. And not knowing any better you're going to enable the hell out of this guy.
If you date him now, if you continue to be friends now, you will become another thing he is dependent on. And when you grow up into an adult yourself and he's nowhere near that maturity level, you're either going to resent the hell out of him for taking advantage of you for that long, or you're going to fall out of love with him when you realize that he doesn't love you (or anything else) as much as you thought, and he now just looks like a 30 something year old loser.
You can't. Addicts don't let you sit on the fence. If you aren't enabling them, you're making them feel guilty, and they hate that. So you can enable him, or you can let go now and tell him that you love him but you can't watch him destroy himself, and that if he ever gets his shit together and quits the drugs permanently that you'd probably marry him or something.
Key point. He's got to pull himself out of this. If you do it for him, he learns nothing. If you enable him, he learns nothing. You've got to tell him you care while stepping back, and be completely honest about the fact that just knowing him is painful because you watch him suffer and watch him use drugs to avoid solving his problems.
Suggest therapy.
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A person can be a good person but still be addicted to bad things. Well, I'm guessing you're really hesitant because like you hearing everyone saying that you should stay away from him (or something along those lines), he hears people tell him to quit drugs, so you don't want him to shut you out.
It would be best if you two had some alone time, and when that happens, that's when you tell him. Don't really beat around the bush, but also don't outright say "I want you to quit drugs." You have to ease into it.
But you'll also have to understand that drugs in general will change a person. A person's personality is in the brain, and drugs and alcohol messes with the chemicals in the brain, so there's still a chance that he may get upset when you do talk to him. After all, drugs make him feel good, right? Why would he want to quit something that makes life bearable? And people's been telling him to quit before (I'm sure of it).
I'm really glad that you're there for him, however, you have to be careful not to let his habits drain you emotionally, because that could bring you to begin abusing substances as well.
You should really push for him to not take any kinds of drug at all. Even weed. Weed IS still illegal, and if he's caught with that, nothing good can come from it. He's still taking in smoke into his lungs, which is also unhealthy.
I wish you well and I hope everything works out for you.
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