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I see my parents side but change my view on their parenting?
15/F; Okay, so about a year ago I became friends with a girl who slowly but surely changed who I was (we'll call her Allison). I used to be this incredibly brilliant student who was smart in all different ways. My parents were so proud of me, I had friends and went to their houses and sometimes hung out at the movies and mall and such, you know, normal things. Then one day probably 8 months ago or so, me, Allison, and a couple other friends went to a fast food restaurant after school, and saw this "bad boy" that Allison and another girl recognized, and we all knew the name. We went over to talk to him (he was smoking a cigarette) and he was just telling us all he's been through, like going to jail and being in a group home. I immediately hated him and saw him as someone I would never associate myself with, and pretty much realized I had to keep myself on track to avoid being him. Little did we all know, one of the girl's mothers was driving around the parking lot we were in (my friend was 13 at the time) and saw us. She told my mother, and my mom flipped out, saying that once I started high school I better not associate with people like him, and I earnestly agreed with her and she took this as a wakeup call, because I was her oldest, on how she should be watching me. I continued to stay friends with Allison, and throughout my first few months of high school I actually ended up hanging out with that guy's friends, whom I met at a football game because I talked to him with her. Even then I never believed I would really become friends with them. Come November, I ended up smoking pot behind a movie theatre, and maybe too weeks later becoming drunk off my ass at Allison's. I felt like I was on my high horse because even though my parents were still strict, I was getting away with these things. A friend tipped off her mom about the drinking at Allisons, who went to my mother, and I ended up flat out lying saying I would never do anything like that and was insulted at the accusation. Then it was New Years Eve. I got this incredibly random text message from the boy I met at the football game, inviting me to a party. On a huge whim, I lied saying I was sleeping over at my friend's house behind our house, and my parents believed me and I went to this party, slept over at the boy's house, and got driven home in the morning, and never got caught. At that party, the boy I met way back in the parking lot was there, and we talked and started getting somewhat romantically involved. Two days later he wanted to hang out, so he brought me to this guy's house who was 19, and I had met twice before briefly. I lied again and said I was sleeping over the same friend's house. I got sexually involved with the boy from the parking lot. Allison found out, and got jealous, so out of spite, told her parents. My mother got suspicious because I slept nearly all day, and when Allison's mother told her, she became a wreck. I told her outright I didn't do, and continued to lie. Well my story had loopholes, plus all she had to do was ask my neighbor's house if I was really there, and she said no. I ended up admitting to the drinking from before, but never said anything about the weed. I was grounded for a month and still am not trusted (because of minor problems since then).
Now after that huge backstory; here's the problem. When my mother parents me, she believes she is 3000% right. She is always right, and I am always wrong. She makes me tell her where and who I'm with all the time, and if I'm walking around town or something, I have to tell her every time I go somewhere else. Sometimes she drives to where I say I am to make sure I'm there. All my friends think she's crazy. She tends to think she's being completely fair. She asks me every week if I still have contact with "that boy" as she refers to him as, and I lie and say no, even though I've talked to him twice or so since that incident. She makes me do insanely well in school, and is disappointed in my C average in math, despite its incredible difficulty and her barely proficient math skills. She just got her master's degree two months ago, which I had to do all the technological and grammatical aspects of, and my father never finished college, after taking maybe two honors classes throughout high school. Her expectations don't add up. It would at least make more sense if both my parents were perfect doctors, or something. But we barely have money, my parents constantly fight over my father's dependence of my mom, and my sister is a 10 year old brat who is screamed at daily. But alas, despite all this, we make sure I'm watched over all the time. Sometimes I understand what their saying, and other times I just want to keep lying all the time and not care. I'm so bipolar on these feelings, in fact sometimes I'm crying of paranoia and other times music or TV inspires me to rebel, and I feel so happy. I mean one minute I want everything in the world and I work so hard in school, and the next I stay up all night, do no schoolwork and seriously consider either running away, dropping out of school, or just not going to college. I guess my parent's parenting as well as my mental health combine to one disaster which leaves me generally unhappy and just STUCK. I pretty much need help, because as my mother says, "I'm not content with mediocrity."
I apologize for the length.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
In the moment, we all accuse our parents of being unreasonable. I'm 19/F, btw. but looking back, my parents couldn't have been more right. Not only do they voice their opinions on the things I do out of love, but out of experience. They are so wise and I'm a naive dreamer. I personally think it's up to you what crowd you want to hang out with, but just think...would you let your child do the same?
Your parents can't help but care for you and about you. You are their responsibility and they take pride in your saftey, as they should.
The things they do to ensure that saftey may seem invasive, but you are blessed with parents who actually care!
They deserve a genuine "thank you" for doing what some parents haven't.
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All of this, if you are lucky, is just a phase.
I want to touch on a few things you're written here. By the length of your given information I'm certain you have left many things out. There are things you are not rationally seeing, literally because of your age.
Completely out of order:
"It would at least make more sense if both my parents were perfect doctors, or something. But we barely have money..."
This is why your parents push you to better than "C" average work. They, obviously, understand that being AVERAGE is not really an achievement and isn't going to help you pursue your career later in life. They're struggling right now for those very reasons! I am shocked you haven't picked up on that.
Example: Your mother is extremely poor mathematical skills and she is aware of it. She has "passed her prime" on upgrading this knowledge and didn't take advantage of the information given to her in school when she was young. She doesn't want you to have to deal with the mess she has to because of this.
Example: A "C" grade is NOTHING to be happy about. "C" is average. Who wants to strive to be average? Does the average man become a doctor or lawyer? Does the average man make more income than he knows what to do with? Does the average man have the best house available to him?
Your parents want you to push yourself to WANT to be beyond average. A grade in school doesn't seem like much now but it will later. You can say, "Man, it was SO hard but I made an A. I worked my butt off for that stupid grade. I can do this, piece of cake, if I just set my mind to it like I did back then..."
Now that I'm out of high-school I am disappointed at the grades I made in school. I can't believe I wasted that time I was given. I didn't understand why my parents wanted me to get good grades when NEITHER of them even finished high school but I understand now--when it's too late to go back and change it.
"Okay, so about a year ago I became friends with a girl who slowly but surely changed who I was (we'll call her Allison)."
Allison didn't change you, belive it or not. It was your choice to change. The media you've surrounded yourself with has told you that the "bad-boy" type is really appealing, even when you KNOW he's BAD for you! The media you surround yourself with, coupled with the fact that you surrounded yourself with peers that believe the media as well, helped you lead this sort of life and make these conclusions.
Do yourself a favor and rent the movie Idiocracy.
That will be life if we don't stop doing the STUPID things we do. Why would any woman EVER want to be with a guy that was unhealthy mentally and physically, completely unreliable, and seen as a social outcast? It isn't natural to desire those traits in a mate yet you slept with that and continue to keep in contact with that type of person.
If YOU CHOOSE to surround yourself with those types of people then you risk becoming those types. You acknowledge it right here that you have changed and then go on to list off all of the NEGATIVE things. Nobody likes liars (at all). Nobody likes people who sneak around (let alone sleep around with someone who is viewed as a disgrace). Nobody likes somebody who doesn't strive for excellence (why do you think the Army's slogan is effective?).
Example: You surround yourself with stoners and pot-heads. All of your friends do this sort of activity. They view it as fun and enjoyable. Even if you, yourself, don't pick up the "habit" then they HAVE altered your views on stoners. You're more likely to "test" it out sometime. You're more likely to not be able to see the signs of addiction and abuse. You're more likely to be more slack in judgement in others (and get hurt from it). I know because I did that!
"Then one day probably 8 months ago or so, me, Allison, and a couple other friends went to a fast food restaurant after school, and saw this "bad boy" that Allison and another girl recognized, and we all knew the name. We went over to talk to him (he was smoking a cigarette) and he was just telling us all he's been through, like going to jail and being in a group home. I immediately hated him and saw him as someone I would never associate myself with, and pretty much realized I had to keep myself on track to avoid being him."
"I got sexually involved with the boy from the parking lot."
Read that again. You KNOW he is bad for you. He smokes cigarettes (ewh), has been in a group home (broken), and has spent time in jail (self-destructive). Why would you EVER let him touch you? Think about it. Is that really somebody who you want to father your children in the future? Do you REALLY want what he probably has (because he probably has never even heard of a full-blown STD test)? You "realized" that you had to keep away from him to continue on the right path for a GOOD life...why did you throw that away?
"I felt like I was on my high horse because even though my parents were still strict, I was getting away with these things."
No, actually. I can tell you why you felt so high-and-mighty when you were doing things. It's because you felt you were socially fitting in somewhere. Teens typically have problems with feeling socially accepted. By you participating in these harmful activities, no matter how much it hurt you or others, you felt you "belonged" somewhere. Sometimes it's better to not "belong" to the wrong crowd, feel a little socially awkward for awhile, and go on to do great things with your life. It's true.
You're going down a very unpleasant path and if you don't literally open your eyes up and see it then you're going to be completely lost, just like many of your peers right now.
In a year you've smoked pot. In a year you've gotten "drunk off your ass" at a person's house that you can't REALLY say is a friend. You've slept with a boy that is risky is all aspects, including risking your own health by doing so. You've started sneaking around and lying to people who love you and only want you to have a good, fulfilling life. You've concluded that your elders know absolutely nothing because of the simple fact that they acknowlege their own unhappiness and are trying to prevent that from happening to you.
Step back and really look at yourself.
If all of this happened in a year...what will another year bring? Seriously.
What are you striving to achieve in these things?
Do you want to push your mother away and hurt her? Do you want her to stop caring about you? Why are you lying to her then? Why aren't you listening to what she has to say and RATIONALLY seeing her point of view? Why can't you see that she LOVES you and is NOT doing anything to harm you.
Of course she is going to check up on you often! If my child had lied to me and put herself in such horrible situations I would double-check where she is at all times! I would be AFRAID for her because of the people she is surrounding herself with!
Trust me, your mother is not getting her jollies from making sure you're at your friend's house like you said you were going to be.
Your mother has already been a teenager. She's seem the programs on TV and the listened to the music on the radio. The commercials for Trojan condoms do not go unnoticed. She KNOWS what you're up against.
She isn't being strict at all with her check-ups on you. Being strict is not ever letting you leave the house for any purpose, including school (home-schooling). Being strict is not allowing you to watch or listen to ANY of the mainstream media (how I wish we would change that as a society).
Sit down and tell your mother everything. Ask her to forgive you and to help you change all of this. Tell her about it all. Tell her about you sneaking out. Tell her about you having sex with pretty much the worst person you could have picked. Tell her everything and ask her to please help you while you can be helped. Go to church, volunteer at local places, find better things to do with your time.
I almost want to laugh and say this is some sort of joke that you cannot see why your parents are so right and what you're doing is so wrong. I know it's the truth though. This sort of thing makes me sick to my stomach that our youth cannot see what is right and what is wrong. It makes me want to cry to see how you don't even care about yourself.
I expect a 1 back from you because that's typically how these sorts of things go.
When you're older, I hope to God that you'll look back and then and make yourself sick with what you've written. I don't want anybody to go down that road. I know what it's like and it is NOT worth it at all. Don't throw your life away when it's just beginning. I'm not overreacting because I have been where you are standing and if it wasn't for somebody pulling me up by the hair on my head, slapping me around and screaming, "What are you doing?!" I would have gone somewhere that...I just can't imagine. All of my friends are in places they don't want to be and can't figure out how they got there. Please, wake up.
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first off, you are who you are.. you can not blame the things you've done, or are doing on anyone but yourself. You know right from wrong, apparently. Even though your parents did not do well in school.. doesn't mean they are wrong for expecting you to do exceptionally well. It actually makes more sense.. and your smart enough to see that.
As for "that boy" You can not judge him on being raised in a group home..That has nothing to do with, who he is. Well I stand corrected, it does in fact have everything to do with who he is, but most definently not at his fault. That would be his parents..
No harm intended, but.. YOU need to grow up.. open your eyes to the world.. and straighten up..because really.. it sounds like your going down the wrong road.. and you know it.
So turn around and get back on the right path.
Drop your ego. Listen to your parents. They are beyond your years, not to mention they are your parents.. and they to have the right to control your every mood!
Rebeling and acting a fool, is not going to make you "feel better" or "look cool" to the ones who matter!
You make your own decisions.. if you "friends" have negative things to say about your parents way of parenting.. then maybe you SHOULD find new friends.
I know now it seems like they are over bareing.. but one day when you don't have a mother to yell at you for the mistakes that you make.. you will miss that! And you will regret everything you do..
People say, regret nothing.. live in the moment.
That only applies to someone dying.
Because EVERYTHING you do.. you will have to face the conseqences one day!
Your young and brilliant.. no act like it!
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