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was i wrong?
Okay so I know this is going to sound like an odd relationship, but my bf and i dont keep secrets from eachother. At all. Well at least thats how he wanted it to be. He told me he never minds if i look at his phone, or if i ask him anything he will always tell me, and he wants me to do the same...and i have been doing that, i always let him look at my texts or sometimes he will on his own nd i dont mind.
Now, last Saturday we got into a fight, and on Sunday we were together becuz we went to lunch with his family. He was texting his friend, and I asked him what about? and he didnt answer so I looked at his phone but he had deleted the convo. So I asked him, hey soo what did you talk about and he said some bs answer that was random.
Later that evening, him, me and his friend and friends brother were all hanging out and my bf and his friends brother went to see his new apartment, while me and his friend stayed back to watch this show we both love. Now during this time, his friend says to me "heyy so how come you said that yesterday?" (referring to the fight i had with my bf) and I was like "What? He told you that?" and he says "Yeah look" and he shows me the whole convo he had deleted off his phone. My instincts were right, my bf had lied to me, because the text was saying all this stuff about me, not really bad stuff, but still it wasnt nice either. He was telling his friend how I was "bitching" and I "ruined his night" etc. If i had seen that earlier on his phone I wouldnt have gotten mad because its just how he feels about our fight and he was telling his friend, its fine. But what made me mad was that he LIED to me about it, something that hes always had this thing with honesty saying how oh, if you ever take your confidence away from me its going to be over because I never once gave you a reason to doubt me blah blah, and truth is he only did once, until now. (i found out about that too) so honestly i felt kinda like well you've lied twice already so i feel kinda betrayed u know?
So even tho i promised his friend i wouldnt say he showed me, I did bring it up to him. I said that why is it that you deleted the text today? What didnt you want me to see? and he says why are you so paranoid it wasnt even about u? thats when i got mad i was like hey i have reason to ask ok I saw the conversation. And i pretty much caught him in a lie, but in order to save his friend since i promised i said that he had shown me something on his phone and I accidentally saw the conversation. Now my bf has been "out of it" as he puts it, this whole week because he says he feels weird about sunday, like he cant believe i did that and looked thru his friends phone, etc etc and hes trying to make me feel guilty. Am I wrong here? And what can I say to him to make him realize hes the one that messed up without giving away the fact that his friend showed me their conversation?
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People need privacy. It's a normal aspect of human existence. In choosing to eliminate it in your relationship, you create issues. And honestly, if you wouldn't care I doubt he'd hide it. Guys don't lie about stuff like that for no reason, we're too lazy.
I don't think anyone is "wrong" here. I think your relationship ideals are way too invasive and unrealistic, and that requiring open access to each other's shit like text messaging is actually a sign of a complete lack of trust, rather than a strong trusting relationship.
I don't have access to my wife's e-mail. I don't go through her phone. I don't expect these things, it's not like I have a right to access all of that information.
Honestly, you should chill out, try to pretend this all never happened, and move on with your life.
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oka you are right for being upset but i think you should of keep your feeling about being upset to your self because i could be wrong but it sounds like he lied to you because he didnt want you getting upset about what he had say and a lot of guys do it. Well i think you should tell him the truth that his friend told you the conversation and you didn't just go looking. He probably thinks you were snooping to find out what he didnt tell you and that isnt true. There isnt away to get around not saying that he didnt show you the text messages hes in the wrong for making you feel guilty
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Well, you've learned a very valuable lesson - there is no such thing as TOTAL honesty in a relationship, any relationship. I'm afraid you are wrong in this case. However, you both are a little to blame for giving each other the false idea that you should and would be honest about everything. Here's what happened, you and bf had a fight. He was pissed. He needed someone to talk to - guy talk - he texted his friend with the same guy complaints that every guy has about his girlfriend. He didn't want you to see because a) he knew you'd be mad about him talking to someone about his problems and b) it was guy talk. Listen, guys need other guys to talk to and bitch to sometimes. Its not fair to expect him to never bring his relationship problems to another friend when he needs to talk. Its not fair to expect the same thing of you either. And it doesn't even sound like he said anything that bad, he was just letting off steam. Yes he lied to you, but that was because he knew you'd get crazy about it (and it looks like he was right). But he didn't cheat on you or beat you up or do anything horrible. He was getting some things off his chest to a friend. Its not healthy to know EVERYTHING about what your significant other says and does when you're not around. Some things are best kept to yourself. For instance, your best friend is wearing a hideous dress, but she truly loves it and feels great in it, and when she asks if you like it you say yes to spare her feelings. Is that a lie? Technically, but it wasn't necessary for her to know what you were really thinking in that case. it would have hurt her, and for what good?
Its time for you and your boyfriend to be a little more realistic about what total honesty means. Honesty is directly related to trust, and checking each others messages and phones and emails is not a very trusting action, even if you say its ok. I've been married for 11 years. I have NEVER checked my husband's phone. Why? Because there's no need to. We totally trust each other, and sometimes reading someone else's private messages and emails can be like reading someone's diary - you're likely to see something that was never meant for your eyes. Someone can bitch about you and still love you completely. We all get on each other's nerves sometimes. That's normal and natural. Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him you were hurt that he lied to you. And, I hate to say it, but you owe him an apology. Then maybe you two can have an open and (truly) honest conversation about trust and privacy and boundaries.
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Yall are going to argue and disagree on ALOT. So get used to it.. even though you can't stop thinking about it.. you have to pick your battles. Yea, you want him to know he messed up and that your not a fool. But atleast now he knows that you aren't stupid and no matter what he does, you'll find out.
He probably just deleted it because either he felt bad about the stuff he said, and wanted to avoid a fight.. or because he was mad and wanted to make you mad. He never thought that his friend would show you or he wouldn't have deleted it.
I say just drop it.. he was mad. WE all say things we don't mean when we are mad.. I would just let it go.. and NOT throw it in his face ever again.. eliminate the shit before it ever even starts.. you'll be alot happier.. i promise (:
I wouldn't STOP looking thru his phone and everything.. if that's what works for yall.. then good.
You can't put your all into someone, even if you know they are your soulmate.. you gotta watch your back.. cause people change with the blink of an eye..
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Guys will be guys, It sounds like the relationship is more controlling then faithful. Despite not keeping secrets from one another EVERYONE needs their space here and there. The more you too keep invading each others privacy the more in time it will become annoying and bothersome. Not all relationships are perfect, I can promise you that he will go to his guy friends from time to time. That is just a guy being a guy, It's normal. I think you are wrong to some degree yes, Only because you aren't letting your boyfriend breathe and you are watching his every move. You two need to learn to trust one another, By trusting..that doesn't mean automatically become suspicious when he sends a text message to one of his buddies. It sounds like your boyfriend may be asking for some privacy and space and the invading his privacy finally got to him.
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