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family issues and possible abuse
Hello. I have a very difficult situation and want to remain anonymous please.
I am a 26 year old very devoted Muslim (my father was American Indian and my mother Jordanian). I am married with 2 beautiful girls and a wonderful husband. He works in IT and I am a stay at home mom who is on the internet much too often.
I was raised in Jordan. We went to a very good school and Quran school. I learned to memorize most of the Quran at a young age.
This is the first time I am opening up about this and REALLY need your advice.
My parents sent me and my brothers and sisters to a Quran boarding school for 3 months out of the year every year since I was very little. I learned a lot.
You see I lost my father when I was young (12 years) and the man who headed and taught the school and his wife where very helpful in helping me heal in ways no one ever did!! I loved my father, he was the greatest man I ever knew.
But this teacher that trained me had sexual relations with me since I was a little girl in that school. He was a very kind man who really knew how to teach well. But sadly I had to have two abortions before I was 17 years old. He was the only one I was ever with other than my husband. His wife was the one who took me to get these procedures to save my family and myself the shame. I am very grateful to her for being a mentor and confidant. But this is a shameful thing in my past I never told anyone about. The strange thing is that it has not bothered me or haunted me like I hear on Oprah and others who had these experiences. I do not have ill feelings toward this man and his wife. They are people I still respect because of how ethical and kind they have treated my family through out the years. They paid for all my education and my brothers and sisters as well. They provided meals for us when my mother did not have enough, etc. When we see them as a family we just pretend this stuff never happened. I never bring it up and he or his wife never do. It is all in the past. Until now.
My girls are now in Jordan with my family and they are sending them to the same school to learn the Quran. The same man is still teaching there. I asked around if anyone else had my experience and no one would talk about it. It is a very shameful thing for a Muslim Arab girl to talk about these things!! But my aunt, who is about my age, opened up to me and told me she had similar experiences with this man. She is also married now with five children and wants to leave the past in the past. She begged me not to tell anyone about him and to just leave things as they are since we both went through it and we turned out “OK”. He is still teaching now.
It would be devastating to our family to bring this news out about what he did with me and the other countless girls ?. I would never bring that kind of shame on him, my family or my religion. But I don’t know what to do because now my girls are in that same school. They are young I am concerned that the same thing may be happening to them that happened to me. One of my girls, the oldest is doing private things to her body that he told me to do. I confronted her about it and she does not want to talk about it. She is the same as I was when I was her age. I fear the same thing may be happening to them.
I really want them to learn from this very good school, but I don’t know what to do!! Please advise me at jihan.ali@europe.com
Anonymous
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you defintly need to take your children out of that school for one. that can have a strong impact on a child and something needs to be done about it. report it. get it delt with. you know how many people this could of happened to. I know you dont want shame but it was not at all your fault and this man isnt family hun this man is a rapist. All them children he has done this to over the years you cant let this happen to your own children. i wish it had happened in the states i would take this email to my local police station but with it being so far they wouldnt be able to do anything. i hope you deal with this the right way i was raped and i know what you must have gone through but for it to happen over and over again and to just about every female in that school please help all those other girls who are suffering.
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Anonymous,
This is a very trying time for you and I can not say that I know how you feel because what you have gone through is something no one ever has to go through. Your teacher whom you put all your trust to has betrayed you nothing else. Of course you feel that he is kind to you and your family for many years but you must not forget the fact that he has done things to you sexually that are considered illegal. he was already an adult when he started doing it to you. He should have known not to take advantage of your trust. He needs help. And you are right. He might be doing it to other girls too including your daughter. your letter seemd to me as if you have been defending him. Stop. There is absolutely no excuse to what he has done to you and deep down you know that because of what you feel now. You were just good at hiding it. There are ways to stop this man. you can report to the police or if a counselor. Do it now. This man is sick. I may not know him but I am certain that if he is not stopped a lot of innocent lives will be at stake. Hope this helps.
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I believe your very first, highest moral obligation, is to protect your children from sexual abuse.
If you suspect they are being abused now then you MUST REMOVE THEM FROM THE ABUSER NOW.
There is no other moral course of action. You cannot allow your children to be victimized, for any reason.
Absolutely everything else, all shame and embarrassment, all promises and all secrets, must come second to their safety and innocence. It is your greatest responsibility as a mother and as a moral human being. Nothing should stop you from taking action to absolutely GUARANTEE your girls are not sexually abused. Nothing, not your religion, not shame, not other members of your family, can be allowed to stand in the way of you protecting your children from harm.
I think the best, and most important place to start, is with your husband. Although this will be very difficult for him to hear, he is also their parent and plays an important part in deciding how best to protect your children. He deserves to know they are at risk, and why.
Then, you both must remove them from that school, immediately. You cannot abandon your child to sexual assault. There is no excuse for that. Would you sell your child into prostitution? No, of course you wouldn’t. For the exact same reason you wouldn’t sell her body on the streets, you must remove her from that school.
If you do not wish to be public about your reasons for removing your children, that’s fine. I believe that is wrong. It is wrong to leave all those other young girls as his prey, however, I cannot force you to do anything. I can only beg you to be the mother who values her daughters above her own pride, and removes them from a situation which she knows will harm them. They do not deserve to be harmed because you cannot face your own fears and embarrassments with this issue. If you do not do something, you are as guilty as the man who abuses them.
Find another 'good school'. A school where they are harmed is not 'good'.
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